Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Everyone wants to be the spinner

Fresh from Monty being seriously shown up by Swann / Swanny / The Swannster / Swannarooney / Swanndabidozie in India, the Windies squad is announced with yet another sure fire mega hit for the future in the form of Adil Rashid. All I can see in this selection by the old farts in the ICC is just a nod to other vaguely respected old farts elsewhere that, yes, yes, they do still expect big things from the lad, despite him moving on very very little over the summer just gone. When was the last time 3 spinners were in a single squad that was meant to be taken seriously? What a waste of time. Presuming that only 1 spinner will actually play, 1 will carry drinks and one will not even be told in person that he's not getting on the plane in the first place, why bother? Elsewhere in the squad assuming we're also playing 3 dedicated pace men, there's 1 spare wicky, a spare bowler and a spare batsman (please let it be Bell...) but 2 spare spinners is apparently the order of the day?

If there's no room for Vaughan, why get Rashid's hopes up? Pointless.

Friday, 19 December 2008

Vaughan Free, Part 2

Welcome back to the Vaughan Free project. After a successful release back in to the wild (the video footage of which seems to have got lost somewhere in Dave the Shoe's Lada, but may well resurface when the Domino's boxes are removed) a glimpse of the first Vaughan released into the desperately bleak wilderness of what might be Exeter has made its way into the public domain.

You can see that he/she (never did get the sexing thing sussed) must have shed his skin* recently due to the bright sheen on it's coat. The little critter seems to have found some sort of large rodent which it has mauled into a bloody mess. Isn't that cute?

* Vaughan skins, and other shed pelts are occasionally available for sale at www.skins.net if you're that way inclined. Weirdo.

Thursday, 18 December 2008


Dear Cricket fans. It has come to my attention about an unpleasant happening slowly strengthening it's grip on the impressionable working classes. Details are still thin on the ground, but we have agents RS and SB (who may or may not used to have been a batsman, - it is a confidential matter), but a number of pieces of this jigsaw representing this seedy underworld have come to light:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

If you do notice anything untoward please please let me know. Maybe you work in tie rack and notice an increased sales levels of head scarves. Maybe you see people talking about how their favourite international cricket team actually won something. We're in this together.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Sign up!

Today I did two things, both of which seemed, at the time, to be a matter of life and death, due to the rest of the day being on an IT training course I wanted to escape. These two things were:

1) Bought Warwickshire CCC membership for 2009
2) Bought T20 finals day tickets

I would suggest that you, yes you, should do something similar soon too. Warwickshire have introduced a chuffing handy membership level this year of an "associate", which is basically for house bound old boys or well... me this year.

Well, there are a lot of Tiny Tim photos in there, and it wipes clean quite wellHaving just acquired a second child I have little chance to go to many matches this year, but as I had already bought Ashes members tickets I had to be a member still in order to use the things! As it turns out though £50 gives be membership with no included entry to Bears domestic fixtures but all the rest of the shiny things such as Beyond The Boundary! This is one seriously classy magazine, as you can clearly see for yourself. It's shiny, and very occasionally the articles in it aren't amazingly thinly veiled adverts for their sponsors.

The sexiest bit of all of this though, is that with the good lady wife and myself going to the Ashes and T20 finals day mean that I've already saved £60 on ticket prices. Woaaahhhh there Leslie! Oh yeah, you heard me... but... That's *already* a £10 return on the membership fees! I could go into business with this tasty little thing I've found. The club finance dudes are going to flip when they find out! Hope this doesn't affect the redevelopment plans that the Tory counsellors are pouring scorn over.

Have you done the same with your near by grotty northern, or snooty southern, clubs? If you actually ARE me, then yes you have. If not, I don't know. Go find out!

Saturday, 13 December 2008

40W21W - Call ME bland will you, Alison Mitchell?

Yesterday Grayahamemem Swann became the second human person in all of humanity in the universe of intergalactic hyperspace to take 2 wickets in their first test over. He was the 1st person for about 40 minutes, then TMS remembered Richard Johnson (but then that was at home to the Zimbabwegians, so hardly counts) Certainly a very impressive feat, especially from a spinner who has been the over looked second spinner for a number of years, principally through the actions of Duncan Fletcher. It's been many a person who has said that Swann just isn't cut out for the test arena, being too bits-and-pieces-y, and it'll be interesting to see what will happen after the next test and the sub-continent is a memory again. With Pieterson seemingly liking the idea of bowling himself as a 2nd spinner once in a while it's hard to see how he will justify his place. Indeed, he's *officially* in for Broad in the first India test, what happens if he's back for the 2nd one? Personally I'd reckon on Jimmy sitting out instead...

In the mean time... Caption competition anyone?*

* Excluding Ceci... you know what to do...

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Swannywoowoo's dayboo

Swann gets his dayboo in the wee small hours tomorrow. England will have a whole 1.75 spinners tomorrow, which is the most since Old Man Udal helped Monty out in India 2006*. They'd been doing reasonably well with the usual 1.25 spinners or occasionally with an extra .1 when Vaughan fancied a bash at it, but that extra half will hopefully make a pleasant difference.

* I can use statsguru, me.

Know your teams. FAIL.

Looking through the plans for Warwickshire's new developments due to be goin' dahn at Edgbaston soon. All very pretty, wouldn't you say?

Whilst it's possibly something of an omen to call the image file "new_ground_2_small.jpg", we have slightly more pressing issues if the new scoreboard is going to be no bloody better than the old one.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Vaughan Free, Part 1

Followers of the plight of the lesser spotted Vaughan, should be warmed by the updates we can provide. With very few recent sightings in the wild of late, concerns had been raised with regards to the majestic if slightly stupid looking creatures health. Over the last few days a few glimpses were reported of the once King of the crease within the sub-continent, along with a Panesaur and a Straussling.

Whilst these give some new hope for it's survival, there is more good news from the Vaughan Free foundation, who are looking to release their first breeding single into the wild. As the species does, of course, reproduce asexually many new challenges are presented to the conservation specialists, who are traditionally just used to sticking one of whatever pointlessly dreary mammal it is with each set of bits into a cage and going behind a one way mirror with some popcorn and a La-Z-Boy each. First pictures have now been published of the first specimen bred in captivity.

Hopes are high that the snivelling little runt will be able to be soon be able to be reintroduced into its natural habitat. Unfortunately, since all specimens so far were reared in public school, no one seems to have a clue where that is, so it'll probably be as far away from the labs in Putney as the Vaughan Free foundation can afford. As such all work efforts have now switched from the laboratory to the topless car washes and Asda checkouts.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Too many Daves

5-0 down, with 2 more to lose. And it really does seem like an odd squad in general. An opener who you happily put down to bat at 9 the next match. flip flopping between your no. 3 and 4... There have been many cries in the press for bringing back in guys like Bresnan and Macarena. The more I see the squad the more I see why they are not in the line up.

Their name isn't Dave.

Peter Moores seems to like Daves. Everyone likes Dave. Everyone needs a mate called Dave to help "sort things" and drink them under the table. Since he's filled Norman Stanley Fletcher's shoes there have been many new additions, particuarly to the ODI lineup:

Dave Prior - Knows this guy who can get you some cheap DVD's by the Aldi carrier bag full.
Dave Bopara - Well we all know he can bosh up a sweet little shed in no time.
Dave Wright - Innit.
Dave Shah - Please, it's actually David. But erm, yes, I admit I am aware of other fellows with which to converse about canines.
Dave Swann - Ahh I was down Chimpys wiv Bongo and Nudge the other day, man what a geezer... middle of the joint he pulls out his........
Dave Patel - Geeeeeeezer!

Ever felt a face just didn't fit regardless of performance? Definitely a case of too many Daves and no real idea of what to do with them. A squad that seems to be built out of individuals and their county stats rather than a cohesive team with clear roles. I never liked seeing Bresnan, Mahmood or James Arbuthnot Dalrymple in an England, what with them being general wet blankets. But a whole heap of Dave's surely isn't working out.

And I get to link to this too. Because I say so.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Old gits vs new technology

My blogging has been lax these last few months, but there's one thing I've wanted to write about for a while but never had the __________ to do it. But thanks to Ceci and Suave I've another angle on TV rights that's finally making me do it.

Earlier this year there was the hahoo about the BBC not bothering to put a bid to the ECB for the TV rights for the England matches and there was this disappointed sighing, mumbling cursing stream from Aggers, Boycott etc... They feel that it's ultimately damaging to the game because of the reduced number of people with access to Sky Sports etc. All that sort of discussion seems fine in the here and now, but as these are rights for a few years down the line, they really start to fall apart the less they seem to understand about the (probable) future of broadcasting.

As above, thanks to Ceci and Suave, I ended up watching the 3rd ICL final today. It was a bunch of old has-beens and no-hopers and all of Kents overseas players, but any port in a storm. So I ended up on Sky channel 789, Zee music, which I didn't know existed and certainly didn't know broadcast ICL. It's a Sky channel, but fundamentally it's free on that gear, and only isn't on freeview itself because they couldn't get a slot or something.

So here this Terrestrial Vs Satellite argument doesn't exist, and more and more it's not going to exist. With the increase in IPTV (and projects like BT's 21CN shennigans) it's really not long before there really is no such thing as "Terrestrial" TV - and no Satellite either I'll bet. Freeview is a waste of time of course, just a political marketting yeeha - by the time the last transmitter is turned off Freeview will already be obsolete technically. With all broadcasting inevitably edging towards online and on demand viewing, Sky Sports, BBC 1 and Zee Music will all just be entries on a big old list that everyone will view over the net.

What's meant to happen when this playing field is levelled out (shortly after the Stanford Stadium pitch is also properly rolled)? When everything has converged down to a standard access method of infinite capacity and 1/infinity quality how are the BBC meant to keep competing for something like a Test match which is officially a specialist interest and very chuffing long?

Essentially I find it frustrating when various people with MCC ties live in the past due to their lack of knowledge. I know computers are scary things, but well tough titties to you. Take an interest and use it in your views for the future of broadcasting, or die trying.

oh yeah. I am that dull. Want those last two minutes of your life back? me too.

Monday, 17 November 2008


I hear many people say it, but it's nice to pick on whoever you think is a prat and also guilty, so clearly that man should always be Botham, the Nestle advertising goon, and as he said it last then that's even more reason...

Botham you tit, stop saying "They've got the breakthrough" every single poxy wicket anyone gets. Today, 8th ball of the match Broad (WHO USED TO BE A BATSMAN) got Sehwag to edge on to his stumps and, oh yes, he got the breakthrough!!! After 7 balls of abject desperation, literally crawling through a literally literal desert for almost 4 literal minutes the unthinkable finally happens. That once in a lifetime last chance salon (he shouldn't have had the haircut) of a wicket. What a breakthrough!!

Numb nuts.

He's also a dangerous fool to be around with a loaded Dangerman too.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

I'm a man, yes I am. But only just.

Well I just scraped through but (at least as of this moment in time) I'm offically male according to genderanalyzer.com.

Straight point - 98%
Cricket With Balls - 92%
King Cricket - 85%
Spun out - 80%
Republique Cricket - 77%
Miss Field - 55%
Erm... me - 50%

Originally Miss Field came out at 98%, which seemed about right, but I missed the - out of the address (and actually Class 3F's blog, which makes it even odder).

I was feeling pretty ashamed of my rating here until...

"We guess http://leftarmchinaman.blogspot.com/ is written by a woman (55%), however it's quite gender neutral."

Phew, I didn't come last.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Boy Least Likely To

Right, cobblers to all this Stanford nonsense....

I knew it was so within the ranks but it wasn't until I read this months Wisden Cricketer (not that other rag that people read, the one that gives away bat stickers and shrink wrapper retired pakistani seamers each month) that Tony Frost had the highest batting average of THE ENTIRE BLOODY COUNTRY last year in t'championship. Now i'm pretty darned ignorant of history, but surely this is pretty much something. Old Man Udal might have his cute little story about ditching his new carrer whupping up and down the M1 with a boot full of Union Flag design cricket boxes to go and captain for a probably nominal share of £256,918.43 (as of 17:24 27/10/08) [oops, wasn't talking about that...] . But the boy Frost had already happily packed away his kit long ago before being brought back into the fold as Tiny Tim went off to make his fortune. And came back again pretty quickly.

Tony did superbly. Slightly drab in places, a little conservative at times, but to have ended up with a season average of 78.squiggle including a career best and putting-the-rest-of-the-players-to-shame total of 242 in the last match of the season against Essex.

Obviously he was officially back to being a keeper, and he's been pretty tidy there, but even when Timmy did come back all that happened was that Frost was pushed up the order to kick ass properly.

Seems he's back next year, and based on his form with bat alone he's now filling in for absolutely nobody.

And all that from a dude with those glasses. and that hair. and that joke about the nuns on the motorbike. and that party trick with the monkeynuts.

But then he's said this...

“We’ve had a preliminary chat about me playing on as a batsman next season but the talks are at an early stage. There are a lot of things to weigh up, most importantly what impact playing on might have on my career as a groundsman.”

Talk about aiming to the skies. When my little boy grows up I hope he wants to be a deputy assistant groundsman's understudy. That or a Saggarmakers bottom knocker.

Monday, 27 October 2008

KP and Harmy sitting in a tree

During the nice little knock around in that old mans back garden last night I mentioned to Mrs Spigot how odd it seems that Harmison is now a shoe-in for the T20 squad when his runny tummy clears up, despite him previous running from the white ball and generally being a miserable git for the last 18 months. She reasoned it must have come from KP's dynamic new captaincy. I think the exact words were "Harmison probably said 'I'll play long as I can do you in the changing rooms first'".

Out of the mouths of... somethings.

She mightn't know a beamer from a full toss, but she's certainly latched on to something in her head, all coming from KP saying Miserable Steve is "my man".

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Promotion gubbins

Warwickshire are going back up to Div1 after just one season of standing in the corner staring at the floor! Well done boys, especially the Frosty, who's gone from deputy assistant bucket holder to Steve Rouse to standing in with the gloves for Tiny Tim, and ending up a very very attractive #3 for the rest of the season, with a 242* last week helping to outright secure promotion.

But should they actually be promoted? Is there really a need for a default promotion and relegation between the divisions? With all these points being thrown around, should they not be being used to decide on promotions and relegation, rather than outright positions? Looking at the tables with some teams still yet to finish all their matches we have...

Surrey. Poor buggers. Now they were, going by the official metrics rather than Jrod's opinions, shabby. They are going to probably 30 points adrift of the next worst team. They clearly deserve to go down. If only for that terrifying picture of Ramps painted up like something that belongs in formaldehyde at Christies. No wonder he's looking to jump ship now.

The two WCCC's. Similarily, they have ended with genuine clear air between themselves and the rest. Northants still might close that gap to around 10 points if they win, but Warwickshire are just so nailed on to add at least 10 more of their own, they'll still look great. Worcestershire meaning have bagised 2nd to themselves, but maybe not by quite as much as they'd like.

Just about everyone else in Div1. Here's the main issue as I see it. There's only 5 points between #5 and #8. That looks like a fairly close competition, and as such does any one of those teams actually deserve to go down? I'd expect whoever that is to bounce up again next year (in exchange for Worcs hopefully.)

So shouldn't there be something more intelligent, something more David Barry shaped to define how many teams should go up or down? Indeed if each divisions only had 20 points from top to bottom, why promote anyone at all?

Monday, 25 August 2008

Mike Selvey is right

*Everyone* apart from Adam Mountfield knows it. Job done.

[If anyone does wonder why it's gone pretty quiet here, it the usual workload excuses. Normal service should be resumed in about a month, maybe.]

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Ahhh Stuey Stuey woahh ahh ahhh ahh ahhhh

Everyone hates Social Services right? Every so often some poor child dies due to alleged ineptitude within the home inspections and what not that they do. Missing some key signs. There's also the stories where there's some poor soul, normally about 13 years old, who single handedly looks after his / her sick / disabled mother, his little sister and still takes themselves off to school most days to get an education. And this sort of thing is allowed to go un-meddled with by Social Services as despite how totally amoral it is that a government organisation lets such a burden rest upon such small shoulders, doing so much that they shouldn't do. And it goes on because it's seen to "work" and costs an awful lot less than those in power actually doing something to improve the families situation.

A young developing bowler with a test batting average of 41.22 seems like a good candidate to be quietly ignored for all the wrong reasons. Until he's meaty enough to get that precious enameled All Rounder badge pinned to his shirt, he has to be protected more and be selected as a bowler and nothing more. Unless he wants to reinvent himself to a middle order batsman again. At present he has an awesome batting average as above, but has a bowling average of 49, so if you do the raw maths he is sadly not being "worth" it in the long run. Similar to many of the stats about Prior being too costly with the gloves, Broad is currently being too costly with the ball - in the narrow view at least. All that blocking up one end stuff has been useful, sure.

So look after him you bunch of incontinent money grabbing, Texan worships goons. If you don't destroy him by demanding runs, he'll win the ashes in 5 years, no probs.

I'd been meaning to write about the boy wonder since before the last test, and was still expecting him to play. Now he, and his batting average, did skip the 3rd test there's certainly some more confidence about his treatment. Such an odd change that did seem though. Broad for Colly - weakening your batting lineup by picking another batsman.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Obligatory Vaughan / KP post

Still got a blog remember... come on... you might be working at silly o'clock, doesn't mean you can ignore your public.

So Vaughan goes now, well OK I guess. Odd timing in many peoples eyes but it does give a "free" test to do all sorts of things like actually pick the right players in the first place. Over the year so far it's all been doubt on the ginges but when the captain's mantle is removed he was clearly in there too. People commented on Bell being a fair weather batsman which holds up well against stats, Vaughan seemed to have become a poor weather batsman. Rather than being able to get to 3 figures when someone else already had, if someone had just got out, he seemed to find it strangely easy to do the same shortly afterwards. If it was technically possible that he could arrive at the crease about 2 hours after the last wicket fell then I'm sure he would have reverted to his previous form and stuck around. Just needed an impromptu plate spinning extravaganza from Monty or Smith and Kallis to have a pie eating contest for a few hours on the square immediately after Eyeliner edges one and he could have been fine.

Can't see Vaughan coming back apart from someone really looking an arse in the middle of their own accord. Boycott is clearly livid at the idea of Virgil coming back to Yorkshire and using up one of their batting spots. He never used to get runs in county, and if he ever wants to be picked again surely that has to change.

Insofar as KP coming in, you hear a rule of picking the team and then the captain which seems like a logical thing to do, but then the reality kicks in and you think "but.... who???". The selectors were unanimous in voting for KP, well no shit sherlock, have a medal AND a biscuit. what other options *within* the usual suspects are there? KP, Bell (only still usual due to his recent 203*), Eyeliner (Maybe... only maybe), Freddie (Until he forgets to fill in a popping crease hole one over and *never* recovers), and Strauss (and that's giving a spot back in the short form, which shouldn't happen). It's hardly inspiring in terms of leadership. I just hope he keeps batting like a loon through this all.

I can see so many opportunities for the England side to step up to the marketing mens ideas. I bet there are plenty of Take On Me-like pencil sketches of KP and his new fashionable and very very beautiful squad hitting sixes with sexy slogans daubed all over them. I'm sure Cook will get his own brand of Manscara in the mix at some point.

Saturday, 19 July 2008

Clarkes Casualty Cwiz 4!

Following the 2nd South Africa vs England test match in 2008 Giles Clarke went on the rampage again. He managed to escape his jail made of papier mache bricks of old unsold copies of All Out Cricket (what a rag) and with the addition of mere twigs and spit formed the mush into a highly effective flame thrower / crossbow combination, and set out to get revenge.

As shown opposite, it's very possible for severely maimed and mutliated organs to perform a role in society and hold down a real job, rather than scrounge off of our benefit system. I blame the parents.

5 dudes. No silly clues. Who's the odd one out?

And yes it has been a while. New jobs do that to people.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Moore's and Vaughan's realisation

"Yeah, not quite the same effect, huh Virgil?"
"No Mr Peter. If I may be so bold sir... Bugger."
"Well yes. Indeed."
"Was Chris Lewis still up for it?"
"No, he took that dolly grip job on Gladiators."
"Hmm... Harmison?"
(both collapse on floor laughing)

[graph inspired by indexed]

CS Martin c Kartik b Murtagh 0 9 6 0 0 0.00

And there I was thinking it was all some clever ploy, being consistently awful for New Zealand for 19 years solid, with the plan being to get a nice little contract with T'Bears and coming out to bat for the first time in about 15 matches of contractdom, and no, he still is a shitty batsman. Who'd have thought it?

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

EPL, we've been expecting you. Pro40 RIP (about time)

Hurrah, Pro40 is going to die. About time too. Intended to be a "double Twenty20" the scores on the doors were seldom 20-30% higher with twice as many balls to face. It didn't work it was just a slightly shorter FP match.

In other news, this window is to be used for a 2x10 team T20 league lasting oooh forever in the second half of the year. The EPL WILL exist! I think this does make some sense, first half is FP, 2nd half is T20. Yeah I like that. You'd think with all those matches there might be room to have those funny "bundles" that I think happens with Association Football, allowing blocks of matches to be bought by other leagues. There are SO many kids (and adults) who don't know what Twenty20 is who would love it if they could see some of it on freeview.

Slightly worrying is the statement "Spectators want to watch Twenty20 cricket on Friday nights [...], and the county championship in midweek." So 1) poor old County Championship. What did it ever do wrong? and 2) Since when did the UK have a 5 day week? What about Saturday and Sunday? Guess there is scope to pull some county stuff back to a Sunday or maybe Saturday start but that's not hinted at in the slightest. That'd be a decent thing to do though. Then people would whine about consistent match schedules.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008


Graeme Swann thought it'd run down to the 3rd man boundary. The ball had other ideas, such as getting jiggy with the leg stump. Someone must have moved the stumps TWO FEET TO THE LEFT. There's no way someone of his calibre would screw up so badly. Unless...

A certain elegant lady female blogger on Cricket With Balls has already accused Swanny of match fixing, so clearly his international career is as good as over...

That bloody follow-on debacle

With my finest schoolboy cap on, the one with the clever graphical calculator pocket stitched into the back so I could always graph sinh x at the drop of a hat, I've been trying to see why the majority of those paid for their thoughts think the follow on was past obvious whilst those who I'd like to think of as my contemporaries say it was a stupidly crass and dumb move on Vaughans part.

Initially we have the state of play as of late Saturday afternoon. ENG 597/7d, RSA 247/10. Ntini and Steyn had been struggling to make the batsmen play with their balls and only 3 of their recognised batsman made double figures. Had it not been for Prince the Saffers could only have dreamt about 200+ runs.

From this point it surely looks like they are down and out, and England are in the position they are due to skill and form on both sides of the fence. Last 6 Lords tests have been drawn which should have been in Virgil's mind when he did the deed, but the raw figures say that this isn't just luck or an accident on Englands part. They deserve to be where they are and there is going to be one hell of a victory here.

So by Sunday the state of play has changed a lot and ending up only losing 3 wickets by Monday evening looks like something went wrong somewhere, but I can't see that that was the case in reality. By this time in the match the it seems that 247 was a freakish total and the pitch was actually worringly good, and maybe Morkel and co shouldn't have been lambasted as muchas they were. No one was really blaming our bowlers to the extreme like theirs were on the first few days.

This follow on in itself then. Sidders had a wonky night sleep and wasn't too hot, and it's only a 4 man attack. Would letting them sit in the pavillion for 1 1/2 or 2 sessions have changed anything? Well sure they'd have been more rested, and by Monday evening they were in a sorry state and worrying it could hang over to this coming Friday, but that's pure refined hindsight surely?

What was the alternative? England send Mssrs Cook and Strauss out again and by the end of Diagnosis Murder they're at 200/4 and give South Africa a day and a half to get a stupid total at 5rpo. They were already not going to manage it with the follow on, other than a net session and a few extra cups of Earl Grey for the lower order and a Penguin or two for Broad, it just doesn't seem worth it. And what if they DID do it? They do have the batting power to get the job done and then there would be so many beying for blood in the media...

Ultimately it just doesn't seem to matter. The match would never have had a result either way, but there still seems to have been a chance with the follow on, aching backs or not. It's not a clear cut as I thought it was, but still seems like the right decision to me.

Vaughans thoughts for the follow on

A - I don't want to get clean bowled again. People might start talking. Think I've got away with it so far.
B - If I get Monty to bowl for 14 hours he'll never be able to fight for the last Fruit Corner later.
C - Wonder if Baby Strauss could keep better than Tiny Tim
D - Well at least a defunct Sidebottom makes picking Jones easier
E - Hey, we could win this!

Sunday, 13 July 2008

What's Graeme Smiths problem?

Any clues? After a having a nice long long time to get to grips with Vettori, McCullum and Oram, the wife was going along nicely. But now they've only gone and deserted her the bastards, so she needs to received wisdom, quick. We've covered Amla and the use of "beard" as a verb. Just got the rest of the squad to cover now...

Little help, please?

For starters, she knows she hates Smith quite a lot already, but just doesn't know why.

Other than the face.

Of course.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Bell puts clear water between him and the other ginge

So Bells devious scheme of disappearing off to a county match to rack up 215 worked wonders. Maybe it was in the mind, maybe it was in the Muppet but it worked as England finished the 1st innings of the first Saffers test at Lords on 203 not out.

After two rain intervals and some whinging moron with a stupid face continually having a go at the umpires just because it was raining heavily bell faced Harris and 2nd ball pushed one just past his fingers and down to the boundary, bringing up his first international double ton and then declaring on 597 for 7.

This innings clearly means that he is in no way on shaky ground for a good while yet. Whilst for sadly obvious reasons his 203* interests the media less than KP's 152, and Colly was clearly very hard done by and Amla will pay for being a bearded git, the two ginges are no longer an item. On the ECB selection panels agenda that is. Probably.

So Freddie is still slated for a comeback and thanks to exhibit A AND Broads superb 76 the only name in the frame is Capn Colly. This will allow a 5 man bowling attack, which wasn't something that seemed feasible a few months back, but as naughty and irresponsible as it is, there is no way you can ignore a bowler like Broad with the runs he's got. And it would surely have been Chris Stuart Broad WHO USED TO BE A BATSMAN having to make way due to his less impressive bowling figures compared to the others. Indeed for now his batting would even be able to cover up for Tiny Tim's shortcomings for a little longer, and *IF* Freddie gets among the runs too then England could be in a seriously good position. And *WHEN* he doesn't well we still should have lost very little if anything.

Back to Bell it's really nice seeing one of the "other" batsman really put the enemy to the sword. One of the players that's just there in the background. I always liked him. I didn't join the "Beat Ian Bell around the head with his own bat then stick stumps up his bum" group on Facebook. Not me. That's the wife.


Before Stuart Broad became the gangly bowling kiddywinkle he is today he was originally a reasonable batsman at cricket school. FACT!

Why a fact? sorry, FACT!? Because it must be true because I hear this EVERY BLOODY DAY on TMS and Sky.

For anyone else still not fully up to speed with this continual revelation:


C4 Ident lyrics found in Cape Town cellar

Our chief scientist / surgeon / archeologist / omlette chef has recently made a fascinating discovery in a cellar in deepest Cape Town, during an expedition to Farawayland. All together...

Those missing lyrics in full, by J.D Whetherspoon:


Hopefully at least one other person might get this stuck in their head for a day...

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Once more unto the breach

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more for the sixth time for no good reason*,
Or close the wall up with our English dead wicket keepers!
In peace there's nothing so becomes a northern captain with a stick right up his arse
As modest forward defensives and being then bowled for 12. Again;
But when the blast of Boucher blows in KP's ears,
Then imitate the action of the Tenessee Scare Goat:
Stiffen the entire body, and take one on the pads as hawkeye shows it going on to hit top of off.

All this negativity! No No No! I will not assume it's all gone to hell in a hand cart just because 3 of their top 6 have got tons. I'll wait until England are skittled for 81 before assuming it.

* It's not even as it Norris McWhirter is still alive.

Stuffy old gits wreck T20 semi

So this young dude, Rafeeq, doesn't have a UK passport. As such the first semi on Monday was called off. Don't get it. Why didn't they just play anyway and worry about the consequences later? If Yorkshite are let off then the result stands whatever, if they are guilty and chucked out, then either Durham get a bye or they replay against Notts or Taff Utd. Either way a game would have taken place, probably of a very high quality, and all fans, especially those who made the trip, would have got their monies worth. Instead we got an empty northern hovel to look at (pictured)

Postponing just before start was surely *THE* worst outcome save for a live spanking of the guilty board members. In the dodgy match the nipper bowled 2 overs @ 9 in an innings that average 6.8rpo. Took no catches. Didn't bat. Presumably stood on the point boundary and got cold. He was, by all accounts, a hindrance, not a help in any real way.

This again seems to be an example of old gits not having a clue how to deal with real life scenario's... Sure it's against the rules, but a bit of pragmatism wouldn't hurt once in a while would it? Ack!

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

ICC vs world government

Today the G8 group of countries collectively met and formally rejected the legitimacy of the newly re-elected Mugabe regime in Zimbabwe. Since the meeting adjourned there have been further statements from the UK and other countries pushing forward the desire to impose financial sanctions upon him, his government and that absurdly narrow tache thing on his top lip. Maybe he has an obscenely deep and hard to groom philtrum. Maybe he things the ladies like it. I expect Ceci does. Either way it currently seems actively likely that such sanctions may be implemented by the end of next week.

Prior to this, the Incontinent Cretin Club got together to discuss how best to not rock any metaphorical boats in any metaphorical harbours, especially the BCCI's what with how they run the place. Thanks to being archaic it was, unlike the real world, workably impossible for them to impose anything upon ZC, not even going straight to bed without warm milk, or having to play in their pants an vests. Had they previously filed a motion the previous year to the effect of excluding them then they would have been in serious doo doo as they'd have had to dig really really REALLY deep into the old codes to find a rule that stops them doing what everyone else wants them to do.

Big people 519/8d, ICC 13/10

Breaking News! Graham Napier might be kind of special one day!

SO... last night he was a touch above the norm with bat and ball, and some pretty good work in the deep to boot. It's this consistency after the big stuff that makes him possibly glow in the dark after all. 3 for 10 and 40 @ 200 was great. Very great. But he'll need to actually affect his averages for a while before he surely deserves to be taken seriously.

Mind you Northants where their impressively bland self. What is it with them and Derby that makes me continually forget they exist?

On the way to get Pizza this evening (well, it is the wife's birthday... no expense spared) they were again talking about him and the bloody Stanford match. Should the ECB pick him?? Well why should they? it's an unofficial game that means nothing other than for the money the winners should receive. There's no wider benefit in actually winning the game at all is there? So why should you put aside the long serving (and admittedly already stinking rich) players for a bunch of different ones who might never otherwise be considered so that they can get too much money for too little work instead of someone else? Shouldn't the players in that godforsaken match get their place through long term international commitments an performance *instead* of actual skill??

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Breaking News! Graham Napier is human!

2008 season so far
FP Trophy: 1*, 4, 7, 1, 61
Twenty20 Cup: 31, 37, 9, 17, 1, 152, 17, 18

6 poor scores, 3 average, 3 good and 1 amazing one. Outside of a single 45 minute period Graham Napier has been fine. OK. Normal. Over his 11 year career he averages 16.84 in List A matches. Fair to that's fine for a bowler, which he's meant to be, and with figures of 148 @ 24.93 he's been worth having in the squad most of the time.

He's been a journeyman for a long time now, but since June 24th you'd think he learnt to shit gold bars.

The whole countries media has taken every leaf available from Cricket AM's book and no live show has gone to air without the 5 minute, 3 minute, 1 minute, 30 second and 15 second versions of his innings highlights all queued up and ready to roll and my God they've had their money's worth out of them.

Maybe it's because everyone wants to believe he's our McCullum or something. But when Nassar and Willis and everyone else can't stop talking about him, it just seems they're whipping each other into a frenzy which really doesn't exist outside of their directors feed into their ear.

This cheeky chappy has got the rest of the season to show he's got long term talent as a ball twatter, a good show in the FP final and a confident Pro40 season and maybe this hysteria will be able to become something more solid but for now, he just got lucky. Actually let's make that "Lucky" with air fingers, as I bet there was no drug testing at the match that day...

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Bell makes double, no, triple figures!

Canny young man / rodent faced gimp that IR Bell. He probably had a few disturbed nights worrying about his place in the test squad next week, so asks permission to go away and practise in a county match against Gloucester. What good did that do? 3? Nope. 24? Nope. 68? Nope, but closer. 124? Keep going! 215? Yes that's the one, have a biscuit. Bizarrely only his 5th ton at Edgbaston and a double at that. What excellent timing that was. Seems no chance of him not starting next week now.

He loves it when a plan comes together.

He also loves it when that woman on that video falls over and gets carried off on the luggage carousel on You've Been Framed, but then he is from Coventry, so you've got to let him has his little problems.

Oh and Trotty got 160 not out too. Kick, and indeed, Ass.

Sunday, 29 June 2008

Jim Troughton: NOT a serial killer

Jim Troughton is NOT a serial killer, despite visual evidence to the contrary. And the wire.

He has never been found guilty of even one single murder allegation, let alone all 12 of them.

Indeed no legal charges have ever been bought at any level of the law, and it is a vicious and wholly unfounded and libellous slur to suggest that he was the one that did it in any way whatsoever.

it wouldn't stick anyway he's far too clever, and a law from 1814 says that it didn't count in the first place as it was on the Sabbath and he had a badger under his arm.

And they were probably asking for it... bloody nuns.

Saturday, 28 June 2008

So long NZ, so long Tim

Bar a few deprived third world nations, the New Zealand tour is finally over!!!!

[ This space intentionally left blank for thoughts of ticker tape parades, fanfairs and biscuits (biscuits are good, why not?) ]

Coupled with the England tour to Middle Earth, it's been a long long long 6 months. Over that time we've seen England scrape through in the long stuff, and generally under perform in the short stuff. Most wins actually seemed to be down to one side losing, rather than the others winning. I'll soon forget all about it I'm sure though, only to be left with memories of that tooth and Jesse Ryder being a prat. The one other thing that will be left in my mind is also to be the coming one and going of two more wicket keepers.

Mustard was cast aside because Peter Moores found yet another a new toy, but that new toy's batteries seem to be made by Duraseal, Evenready or Energreaser and ran out as soon as the turbo button was pressed. Sorry to drag on that metaphor, but I guess it's possible that the batteries may be replaced, but even when they when they were new out the box, 21 catches in 24 innings doesn't set the world alight, and today's obscene drop of How seemed to be something of a nail in Tim's ODI coffin after an utterly dismal series with the bat. I reckon we're going to see someone change at least for the ODI's, and it doesn't seem that a keeper should need to be changed between formats.

And what did poor old Chris Read do wrong in the first place? He was sent away to improve with the bat and he jolly well did, and then ust dissapeared again. The Colonel also has a similar epitaph, but he can wait his turn while the best glove man in the country gets brought back into the fold. Please?

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

My Way

I hate that song. It's rubbish. Everyone thinks it's a great song by old blue toes or whatever he was called about and old guy about to pop his clogs looking back over his life with pride. Which it is, but it doesn't take a genius to see his life was rubbish. Basically he did things everyone thought were stupid, and then failed at them, and no matter what other people suggested / recommended / begged / pleaded he do instead he ignored them and kept cocking up. Who would want to be that person? You? Well fine, you do that, don't say I didn't warn you. You should hate that song too, everyone should.

[This post is not about the song "My Way", as popularised by Frank Sinatra.]

Radio delays

Is anyone able to shed any light on why there is such a painfully long delay on TMS / 5liveSX online? It's the best part of an over behind most text commentaries, let alone the real live stuff. Is there a fear that CMJ's tourettes will come back all of a sudden?

"And up comes Mills R******! pitches short and A**** pulled away and a wonderful J*****! catch by Taylor! G*****! Q***! K****! And Wright is P******** and gone for 18"

Probably for the best. And what if it was Aggers? He says much more than just stars and exclamation marks.

Friday, 20 June 2008

Rules about laws about regulations

Yesterday a group of wise old fellows from the ICC got together and after about 3.142 seconds of discussion agreed to change the rules relating to the length of ODI intervals. Great so that's one rule patched up, and next time it's horribly rain delayed then it won't be as much of an issue (assuming the rule is commited permanently not just the duration of the ODI series) then the umpire will not be powerless to muck around and use duh duh duhhhhh Common Sense.

But that's just one rule. I've not looked at these rules because, whilst I did spend some time this morning printing of some scoresheets, I'm not actually that boring. But *IF* I were to I'd be betting a lot of English pounds that there are countless more rules which are just waiting to screw up another match and create more headlines involving the word "farce". So why not look to just allow umpire (umpirical?) discretion above everything else? If BOTH teams and ALL officials agree to a change, why should anything at all stand in it's way? On Wednesday the ODI should have been subjected to reduced innings, that action be formally relayed to Dubai on the back of unicorns being carried by diamond encrusted condors, (Picture please Ceci & Mel) and then in their own time let the ICC change the rules for definite.

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz 3!

"So there I was back round at Shilpa's from the radio talky fing having a nice little slap up feast like dey used to in da Beano and then this other geezer starts getting all lairy wiv us, y'know, shoving 'is mug right in me face, he's like "selection policy" this and "underperforming centrally contracted players" that, "IPL" the uver, so I finks about it and then I lay out right out, one punch, real horrorshow. Teach him, the little scroat. Lovely."

Thanks for that Giles.

Four delightful players of the fine game here, I somehow managed a clue to the odd one out in their initials again.

Happy squinting. Just looks exactly like Luke Wilson off of Legally Blonde to me.

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Edgbaston Spectator: My Story.

VERY VERY VERY VERY DARK AND RAINYAs I have a real picture which I really took myself I feel duty bound to add to the column inches about the mess that I watched yesterday as the exact fan that was hard done by.

It was miserable in general. I spent a good half hour waiting in a taxi queue to get down to the ground, then at least 15 stuck in traffic getting there and all this time I was still trying to be hopeful that they'd have a go at starting in the morning. When I, in full kid in a candy store mode, bounded up the steps of the priory stand hoping my personal hope would flow forth onto the pitch I still felt lucky, but obviously it wasn't to be.

From that initial dissapointment it's then 3.5 hours of nada, zip, nothing. no, sorry Ross Taylor and A N Other surfaced out of the marina and held a rugby ball and then walked off again.

Covers come off. That's a good thing. Finally 2:21 comes (oh yes, that acurate) and with a nice clear pitch infront of us they announce that a TwentyNine29 will start in 39 minutes time. 39 minutes? it's ready. 15 minutes of running about the field maybe, then get on with it. Already they clearly could have got at least 15 minutes more play right there and then, and as reported it kept in that vein.

It kept on like that it seemed until the powers that be realise that they've only played 24 overs so far today. And if they don't get out soon (by 6:06 at 5:45) then the match statistically can't get a result, therefore... and here's the killer... they're still in 50% refund territory. WOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOsh out the come in record time for the NZ innings and as if my magic there's 25 overs. Goodbye refund by 4 minutes. Hello justified but still whining Kiwi's and collywobbles pretending it wasn't timewasting.

One of the things I will now remember for ever was hearing Jeremy Coney talking about rule 43 on my Sky/TMS earpieces (s = I had two and a sports radio with me. Be prepared) was that day one of being an umpire is rule 43 - common sense. How can formally agreed regulations not be overruled if ALL officials AND BOTH TEAMS agree to do so? Cobblers to formal regulations if no one involved agrees with them given the factors affecting them.

So as the very fan Botham and Boycs continually try to stand up for, whatever their playing days may give away about their real opinions, I was annoyed. This was the ONE full day of cricket I could afford to go to this year. just the one, and I was going to be a great day. And whilst the weather is no ones fault apart from the Swiss, so so much more could have been done to mitigate it.

Monday, 16 June 2008

Pietersen on an inventing roll...

Fresh from inventing the reverse hit switch drive over long off / on with fries, KP was so excited about his new found ingenuity that he rushed home to his shed to see what else he could come up with.

Hopes are high that he can also find a way to combine Phil Mustards keeping, Graeme Onions bowling and Kola Burgers batting to help eliminate the drinks break and lunch intervals altogether.

[And back on topic, good for KP nothing wrong with what he did in the slightest and also nothing sweeping about either shots, but as Vettori remarked (after overhearing me think it) leg side wides shouldn't apply if the hand is switched changed, and status quo would be preserved]

Sunday, 15 June 2008

The abridged version: duck

A recent investigation by the UK government ECB and the Metropolitan Police those old farts with the red and yellow ties into knife crime batting helmets within the young male [cricketing] community has shown that your are statistically more likely to be involved in serious incidents if you elect to carry a knife wear a helmet in the first instance. Indeed, as widely reported in the media sub-par cricket blogs prior to its publication, the report goes so far as to highlight the fact that you are more likely to be wounded by your own knife helmet than that of one carried by an assailant Jimmy Anderson.

The full text of the report can be found here.

Friday, 13 June 2008

How to fix this mess. Part 3, subsection 9c

The issue of Tests Vs Twenty20 (and billy no mates ODI in the corner on facebook mobile) is naturally everywhere, thanks to those two greedy scroats Stanford and Modi. One massive thing that I believe would shore a lot of it up is Martin Crowe's idea of the Triple Treble which he floated in his Cowdrey lecture for moderately different reasons at the time.

  • Three tests
  • Three ODIs
  • Three T20s
This would do a whole heap of things to stabilize the game
  1. Standardising a tour - Before the IPL India were ODI mad, insisting of 7 ODI's in a tour, purely to get the money. Greedy scroats again, this time leaving an ugly and often boring series past the 5th match with potentially nothing to play for.

  2. Shortening a tour - The formal structure would reduce the number of tests played per country per season by 1, from 7 to 6. there's 9 days knocked off a tour without anything being half arsed

  3. Overall victory - Each individual match is a finite entity you can win. That's with a nice big fullstop at the end. With 3 different disciplines in equal measures you can then have a very clear winner of an entire series. Might want to do some points weighting in favour of the tests, but that's just fiddling.

  4. Stop the rot - The most important one really, in that this is it. BAM! you'll always play the same number of games each time. there's no wriggle room to say, well how about 4 T20s, 2 ODIs and 2 Tests? how about 9 T20s? Clearly not possible, meaning that whilst the longer formats do get reduced it's to a very clear position which has no reason to move any further.

  5. Prevent NZ only being given 2 Test series soon. (Here's looking at you kid)

  6. Less humiliating Ashes losses - No more 5-0 whitewashes!
Well that's one tiny tiny bit of the problem sorted. Next I'm going to recommend this whole Iraq thing would be a bit fixed if they called it iRaq instead and got Steve Jobs to promote it.

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Kolpak yer bags

There is finally looking like there will be some clarity of all the kolpak nonsense, not least the revelation that the EU regulations have been flouted horrifically - they should have been called Cotonou players all this time after all.

From my perspective the novelty of "kolpak" in itself is implicitly a bad thing, it's just stupid and is a theoretical legal loophole that was never even tested (unless I'm more ignorant than I thought). So the ECB was just too scared to even get anywhere near anything that might get near a court (although i think Miriam would have been able to nobble it if the need arised) and in fact they could always have just said no from day one, or at least year one, but no, like X through a Y they just let things degenerate.

The thing about this news (btw the news is that the EU commision said it's up to each country to interpret the Cotonou treaty as they jolly well see fit) is that David Smith of Kolpakshire (who else!?) said "I believe Kolpaks have added value to the county game." when he should clearly have said "I believe extra overseas have added value to the county game. And I like Celine Dion" as the base point is the players are simply not england qualified, nothing more nothing less, apart from a lawyer or two.

So if it is seen to be the case that all the Saffers have improved the quality of cricket as well as the Grace Road gate takings, then that's a reason to petition for more overseas players to be permitted in an 11, not to whine about a silly quasi-loophole that never even existed in the first place.

And anyway, this Kolpak guy... he's a handball player. What kind of a daft game is that when their goalie has a good day if he keeps 1/3 of the shots out of the net?!?!

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz 2!

Word got out to Clarke that he was in danger of being an anti-hero and set about to make sure that was not going to happen by doing a really substandard and tenuous job on his next FOUR victims. The rocket surgeon didn't stand a chance.

Same again, remember for now the surname initials are a clue, but it seems that's an unlikely feature in the long run going by this one!

BTW, If anyone wants to suggest a "prize" for this drivel, please do so...

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Pillocks pointing in pictures

Before I started this very blog that you are reading now with your own eyes (unless you are being read it, or they aren't your own eyes - maybe you found some spare ones) I'd frequently thought about a blog recording photos of people pointing at their mate. That combination of face and finger that say "hey hey, this is my mate the beer monster, he's mental!!!!!" or some such drivel. I no longer need to bother, as the ultimate photo has been found, featuring a complete pillock and a West Indian man in a dress.

"Oh hey, there's a native looking stupid! That'll make a great photo opportunity to make me look even more of the voice of the working man. Not sure if this layabout works though. I wouldn't employ him, that's for sure. Anyway, my photographer's ready now so I suppose I have to touch him. Smile. Don't stop smiling, I'll just hold my breath until it's over."


Clarke's Casualties Cwiz!

Following on from the revelation that Giles Clarke is an axe wielding psychopath, It has now come to light that Stephen Brenkley wasn't the first casualty.

Thanks to modern science, his previous victims have been saved by their only recognisable parts being attached under the supervision of a top rocket surgeon.

For your chance to win a date with this fine specimen of manliness, here's what to do.

Firstly work out all the 5 victims original identities and tell me which one is the odd one out and why. Additionally, their surname initials spell out a clue to the connection.

Convoluted but achievable. No bums and no cryptic gibberish what I saw on a BBC Four documentary neither.

This genuinely DID keep me awake in bed last night... please be gentle!

T20 Champions league

Those cunning young ladies at Little Otford Girl Guides have been able to take the press release regarding the new ICC Twenty20 Champtions league and distill it into it's constituent parts...

B) Lalit Modi
C) Rupees. lots of them.
D) Misguided ICL vitriol
E) Those other teams, whoever they are, you know, they ones who will lose

Thanks girls, that's great. Also a reminder that next thursday evenings visit to the farm has been postponed until next month, so wear normal shoes next week! no muddy footprints in the main hall!

Monday, 9 June 2008

What's worse? Failing or being unrequired?

...gland win.... luck... 7-43... batting at 3... gain bad light has... Taylor 154... ntle drizzl....

So a 2-0 win, just about what was expected, but as ever against the odds at many times in the middle. Danny boy picked up 2 gongs, with Strauss as the other man player of the series and Jimmy and Monty a man player of the match each. Well done good people, except anyone at all called James Michael Anderson (Born July 30, 1982, Burnley, Lancashire). You know who you are.

Almost as much discussion (on TMS at least) has fallen around the ginges, and as a fellow ginge I generally feel the guilt and therefore the urge to stick the knife in too. But given that so often it's only a couple of players who define the match in either direction, when you are clearly not one of them, what's worse: to have failed when possibly that could have been you, or to just never get a chance either way. In terms of the latter, Monty in the third test sadly wasn't allowed to say anything. He just got a bad LBW call against him to close Englands innings and then stood at long leg for the rest of the time, save for 11 measley overs for little more than sympathy from Vaughan.

At least Bell and Collingwood both had numerous chances to do something, they were involved, and noted and discussed (albeit for only 4 innings, not 6, which I'm sure annoyed them - bet they'd have preferred to be spending tomorrow putting on a 150 partnership to win the match). They were tested, they failed, the SORN is in the post. Monty just stood there, not needed, not useful. Obviously he stopped some runs. A given that he should have stopped more, but that goes for everyone. Clearly he was the absolute man in the 2nd test, but that was almost a fortnight ago. Nearly long enough for echo from his appeals to have faded. Nearly.

So how would you react if you were monty had had basically just punched a clock for three and a half days? Maybe there's nothing of substance there at all, but I think I'd have felt cheated or dejected for never being needed.

As for the ginges, give Bell back to Warwickshire please. Just to get them back into CC Div 1 again, and he's all Moores again.

Over cow corner

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Wrong Sport?

That'll be the well known Turkish sport of Coney-Bally then. Avid followers of the game will, of course, have already observed his controverial usage of the Hanning formation combined with a doppler tuck. It's so notable how the shorter form of the game (first to 9 globbets per sequence) is pushing so many boundaries.

Friday, 6 June 2008

Anderson continues to be consistently inconsistent

Well what a conundrum. Some real lacklustre performances in so many tests, and today he gets a PB with the bat and currently sitting on a very impressive 5-37 with NZ at 71-5...

Why can't he just decide? Either be good and stay good like Sidebottom, or be bad, and wallow in it Like erm... Neil Carter, bless him.

I'm still going to attempt to stick to my guns and recommend Hoggard replacing him against South Africa. I really feel sorry for Hoggy if he's aware of this spell, the poor money grabbing, official sponsor name dropping floppy little puppy dog he is.

Cooo and there's another wicket...

Things heat up ahead of the final test

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Nuff Said

Walking Wicket at Warwickshire

Chris Martin stays in Blighty to play for us (the royal "us" of course) for the rest of the season, replacing Monde Zondeki.

The overseas player* has largely performed well within his potential and been unable to capture the form and consequently the results which are well within his grasp being distinctly underwhelming with the ball and wholly without merit with the bat. Despite this the place in the national side seems to not be up for debate at this moment in time.

* Readers are requested to choose which player they wish to be referred to here...

New kecks for New Zealand

Oh, they just couldn't resist it could they? Having been simultaneously dazzled and put in the shade by the new England Daz test kit they have to try and spoil the party with their own super special trousers. Nice to see they genuinely did decide to drop the "abrasive patch" (read sandpaper) on one side of them.

Also these new trousers secrete painkillers to keep Oram upright, and a lightweight exoskeleton as previously trialled by Wallace to help Vettori make his ground on time.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

New research re: James Anderson

Fresh from (me imagining him) being dropped for the 3rd against NZ, Columbus Area youth club (Ohio) have published their new statistical study into James Anderson's charm, wit and charisma. They noted a distinct lack of anything to remotely empathise with during his interview on Cricket A.M this weekend.

A. James Anderson

B. That strange smell in the fridge, maybe it's that couscous from Easter.

C. Gout

They also noted that he managed to show no sense of humour or likability in the 6 minute section of the show, being woefully shown up my a chatty, thoughtful and highly likable Chris Read. Finally concluding that he's not even got a vaguely interesting nickname listed on Cricinfo, making the label for this article suitably uninteresting. Thought provoking reading I'm sure you'll agree. Not sure how they managed to catch the show from Ohio, but I'm sure they caught it better than Ian O'Brien.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Bears: Proud to keep losing

Phew, it turns out that Warwickshire are currently meant to be losing one day matches, it's all part of the plan according to the King of Spain. They refuse to go to ProteasMart and get a trolley full of Kolpak players to do their hard work for them. He does seem to be in a bit of a delicate position himself being both an England selector and head of coaching for the Bears, actually having to walk the walk.

I saw a program about neighbours (not "Neighbours" - Harold DID die) last night featuring a house with a back garden full of South Africans drinking round the clock. I guess Warwickshire have managed to keep Broad Street a secret from them or they'd be all over Edgbaston by now getting wickets, taking catches, scoring runs. Phew.

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

So the stats have come in for the 2nd ENG vs NZ test. In summary:

A - Luck
B - Sheer dumb luck
C - O'Brien drops
D - Bad calls against Monty's bowling
E - Dentistry

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Regional County leagues?

When I was at school I generally hated sport, and was picked last. Always. Unless Steven Bond (no relation of Shane's) was there too. I didn't like competing, and so now maybe I have found my calling by playing in the County Championship. Yes, who wants to have to compete after all? It's pretty ungentlemanly and also frowned upon by many a former bed wetting child psychologist.

Regional teams. Super, so it's no longer about getting the best at all, just about filling up time and doing theory. Reduce it back the tree days and you don't need to ever even have a result at all, let alone allow the best teams to compete against each other.

Three leagues could make sense, but not regionally. I mightn't have the slightest bit of respect for them, but footballers from over 100 teams regularly travel the length and breadth of the country to play just for 90 stinkin' minutes multiple times a week. Cricketers somehow can't even manage this?

If three leagues were to be used as a tool to reduce the amount of County cricket played for the EPL then that's a seperate story, and potentially also as bad, but if you want blocks of 6 teams, as opposed to the current 9's then surely those teams should be of equal quality nationally? Indeed wouldn't that be a way to get towards something like a 6 major team thing, a la city franchises? Give more money / support to the top league, and those teams should surely start to rise above the others and become counties for any england wannabe to try to get into. And once you have three leagues, why not allow other leagues, minor counties to tag on the bottom, for 6 national leagues in total?

It's pretty underhanded I admit, but hey, that's the ruthless world of Cricket. Cut throat business these days.

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Anderson fornever

I'm really struggling to understand why James Anderson keeps getting selected. He's become semi-incumbent, which seems like an odd place to be. When Harmison was still a regular pick there was, for a long time, no sway from the England camp in his pick, and now he's dropped and probably never coming back, but Anderson has always been in the same position but a few rungs down the ladder, so if there's no one instantly better, it's Jimmy without a second thought.

I don't get it.

I missed his first golden boy period around 2003, but since returning after the demise of Jones et al, the only thing he's been consistent at is being inconsistent. He reliably gets pasted for 10+ on a couple of overs each day of a test and even more so in an ODI.

His figures for the NZ first innings ended up OK on paper, but then he only cleaned up the tail really, I had to have a life yesterday with Jake, but the start of the first innings he was atrocious, compared to Sidebottom being superb... And I'm happily aware of that thing about one end getting the wickets, the other being discplined to apply pressure, but that's been Sidebottom and Broad each time that's been around.

Before the series started I picked Hoggard over Anderson and was dissapointed, if Harmison hadn't crippled Hoggard I reckon we'd have had a different line up this time. I'd have still probably picked Skeletor Tremlett anyway.

But then he did perform some savage dentistry...

Friday, 23 May 2008

My son is a traitor!

Watching the first morning of the 2nd test reminds me of the fact that my 2yr old little boy seems to be an NZ supporter, largely as they have Hairy Maclary on their shirts as he cleverly observed during the overseas tests...

Personally I see more of a likeness to Jason Gillespie

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Darrell Hair preparing for the 2nd test

Nice to see Darrell Hair getting right back where he left off during and England net session...

My history with Darrell in person actually goes way way back to the very day before *that* day, and before his reputation was cut to shreds by his actions and then buried, dug on, spat on and then burned before being buried again by his request to be bribed to keep quite was largely along the lines of "meh." which was a pretty controversial opinion to hold in 2006 with the war effort, rationing and such.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Swollen balls?

Only 20odd overs into the 2nd innings on Monday morning England manage to get the non-swinging ball swapped for another one, apparently on the ground that it's swollen and wet. This was then conspired to by Steve Bucknor with his little metal ring thing. Pansies. You try playing with a ball 10 minutes after taking guard against my dog Wicket...

I didn't have a cantaloupe melon handy for comparison...

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Exclusive: Edgabaston moorings now available!

Am I only one to find Edgbaston's pavilion and members stand just a little too... "marina-ry" for a test venue? Roll on regeneration / move to brand new megacomplex.

That's Ramps checking out a new sailing yacht he plans to buy with pure liquid smugness, Freddie relaxing / hiding in his power yacht with his blacked out windows (helps with the hangovers you know) and for unclear reasons, Hulk Hogan in the speedboat.

Friday, 16 May 2008

LBW out of your crease

OK, anyone able to explain the logic for me here? Yesterday at Lords we had Brendan McCullum coming down the wicket to Broad and co, hitting a pair of sixes and a whole heap more before Monty bowled him for 97. Now he's happily coming down the track and out of his crease, not least because when he's that far down it's near impossible to be given LBW. Why is this? Fundamentally I know it's because it's so much further between his pads and the stumps, but surely this should give the benefit of the doubt to the bowler, not the batsman?!?! The batsman is the one being crazy and outlandish, surely if a ball hits him after pitching in line and all, then he should even *more* at risk of having the umpire say it would have gone on the hit, not less...

Seems like this would really address some more of the bat vs ball inequalities too.

Or conversely maybe stumpings should be changed to only allow you to be stumped if you're still in your crease...

Thursday, 15 May 2008

What's a dayboo?

Aaron Redmond just caught by Cook off of Anderson for 0. His first test innings in his life and also apparently he is on his "dayboo". Is that another word for Honeymoon? I've heard Vettori use it quite a few times too this year. Is anyone with more worldy knowledge than me able to interpret this strange other-side-of-the-world word?

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Adrian back from the IPL

So Adrian Macarena is back from the IPL. I really hope he's glad to have been able to have such a magic experience doing his allrounder magic in front of 55,0...

oh... really....?

So he didn't actually get a game. Not one. Did he even get to carry drinks? I know not, as I think I lost interest in actually watching the IPL commentary online at about game 19. But well, good on you Dimi, hope you get over the Delhi Belly soon enough. Only bowler to not take a Surrey wicket today, maybe you were too worried about getting carried away with the celebrations. All that white clothing and nowhere to hide...


OK, so erm.. yeah seems he did play one - 9 runs, 2 wickets. *ahem* I think that means a am finding IPL even more boring than I thought without Setanta.

The Chris Read New Hat Appeal

King Cricket Wrote:

Chris writes:

“This bugged me last season and it seems it’s going to continue to bug me this season too. Can I suggest a whip round to buy him a new hat? That’s what, a tenner? So £2 per King Cricket reader.”

That was my writing, and that's my photo taken of my Sky+ box on my crappy TV on my Nokia N73, so I'm taking it back. nerrr. I have to fill this page somehow.

So as was pointed out, the buy has been whoring himself out to the ICL for a while now, and can always sell off his england caps if they are indeed physical hats (recalls a photo of Ambrose getting one from the devil man....) so why the insistance on keeping this tatty old thing going? Maybe it's lucky? Not that they won anything for a while. Maybe it helps keep Swann at arms length with some mystical powers... Something tells me I'll never find out the answer to this, one of the worlds most pressing issues.

4.5 Inches of wood

Well then, another cricket blog. Why a cricket blog? Well I like cricket. Unfortunately I generally know very little about the thing. I know a beamer from a bouncer and I know Muttiah Muralitharan from Mutya from The Sugababes. Past that though things largely tend to slide. Difference between a pull shot and a hook shot? No idea TBH. Hopefully others will maybe whop me into shape.


I get bored very quickly. And stop. I'm not the greatest writer, but this sounds like a laugh. if the other bloggers will play.