The abridged version: duck

A recent investigation by the UK government ECB and the Metropolitan Police those old farts with the red and yellow ties into knife crime batting helmets within the young male [cricketing] community has shown that your are statistically more likely to be involved in serious incidents if you elect to carry a knife wear a helmet in the first instance. Indeed, as widely reported in the media sub-par cricket blogs prior to its publication, the report goes so far as to highlight the fact that you are more likely to be wounded by your own knife helmet than that of one carried by an assailant Jimmy Anderson.

The full text of the report can be found here.