Sunday, 29 June 2008

Jim Troughton: NOT a serial killer

Jim Troughton is NOT a serial killer, despite visual evidence to the contrary. And the wire.

He has never been found guilty of even one single murder allegation, let alone all 12 of them.

Indeed no legal charges have ever been bought at any level of the law, and it is a vicious and wholly unfounded and libellous slur to suggest that he was the one that did it in any way whatsoever.

it wouldn't stick anyway he's far too clever, and a law from 1814 says that it didn't count in the first place as it was on the Sabbath and he had a badger under his arm.

And they were probably asking for it... bloody nuns.

Saturday, 28 June 2008

So long NZ, so long Tim

Bar a few deprived third world nations, the New Zealand tour is finally over!!!!

[ This space intentionally left blank for thoughts of ticker tape parades, fanfairs and biscuits (biscuits are good, why not?) ]

Coupled with the England tour to Middle Earth, it's been a long long long 6 months. Over that time we've seen England scrape through in the long stuff, and generally under perform in the short stuff. Most wins actually seemed to be down to one side losing, rather than the others winning. I'll soon forget all about it I'm sure though, only to be left with memories of that tooth and Jesse Ryder being a prat. The one other thing that will be left in my mind is also to be the coming one and going of two more wicket keepers.

Mustard was cast aside because Peter Moores found yet another a new toy, but that new toy's batteries seem to be made by Duraseal, Evenready or Energreaser and ran out as soon as the turbo button was pressed. Sorry to drag on that metaphor, but I guess it's possible that the batteries may be replaced, but even when they when they were new out the box, 21 catches in 24 innings doesn't set the world alight, and today's obscene drop of How seemed to be something of a nail in Tim's ODI coffin after an utterly dismal series with the bat. I reckon we're going to see someone change at least for the ODI's, and it doesn't seem that a keeper should need to be changed between formats.

And what did poor old Chris Read do wrong in the first place? He was sent away to improve with the bat and he jolly well did, and then ust dissapeared again. The Colonel also has a similar epitaph, but he can wait his turn while the best glove man in the country gets brought back into the fold. Please?

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

My Way

I hate that song. It's rubbish. Everyone thinks it's a great song by old blue toes or whatever he was called about and old guy about to pop his clogs looking back over his life with pride. Which it is, but it doesn't take a genius to see his life was rubbish. Basically he did things everyone thought were stupid, and then failed at them, and no matter what other people suggested / recommended / begged / pleaded he do instead he ignored them and kept cocking up. Who would want to be that person? You? Well fine, you do that, don't say I didn't warn you. You should hate that song too, everyone should.

[This post is not about the song "My Way", as popularised by Frank Sinatra.]

Radio delays

Is anyone able to shed any light on why there is such a painfully long delay on TMS / 5liveSX online? It's the best part of an over behind most text commentaries, let alone the real live stuff. Is there a fear that CMJ's tourettes will come back all of a sudden?

"And up comes Mills R******! pitches short and A**** pulled away and a wonderful J*****! catch by Taylor! G*****! Q***! K****! And Wright is P******** and gone for 18"

Probably for the best. And what if it was Aggers? He says much more than just stars and exclamation marks.

Friday, 20 June 2008

Rules about laws about regulations

Yesterday a group of wise old fellows from the ICC got together and after about 3.142 seconds of discussion agreed to change the rules relating to the length of ODI intervals. Great so that's one rule patched up, and next time it's horribly rain delayed then it won't be as much of an issue (assuming the rule is commited permanently not just the duration of the ODI series) then the umpire will not be powerless to muck around and use duh duh duhhhhh Common Sense.

But that's just one rule. I've not looked at these rules because, whilst I did spend some time this morning printing of some scoresheets, I'm not actually that boring. But *IF* I were to I'd be betting a lot of English pounds that there are countless more rules which are just waiting to screw up another match and create more headlines involving the word "farce". So why not look to just allow umpire (umpirical?) discretion above everything else? If BOTH teams and ALL officials agree to a change, why should anything at all stand in it's way? On Wednesday the ODI should have been subjected to reduced innings, that action be formally relayed to Dubai on the back of unicorns being carried by diamond encrusted condors, (Picture please Ceci & Mel) and then in their own time let the ICC change the rules for definite.

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz 3!

"So there I was back round at Shilpa's from the radio talky fing having a nice little slap up feast like dey used to in da Beano and then this other geezer starts getting all lairy wiv us, y'know, shoving 'is mug right in me face, he's like "selection policy" this and "underperforming centrally contracted players" that, "IPL" the uver, so I finks about it and then I lay out right out, one punch, real horrorshow. Teach him, the little scroat. Lovely."

Thanks for that Giles.

Four delightful players of the fine game here, I somehow managed a clue to the odd one out in their initials again.

Happy squinting. Just looks exactly like Luke Wilson off of Legally Blonde to me.

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Edgbaston Spectator: My Story.

VERY VERY VERY VERY DARK AND RAINYAs I have a real picture which I really took myself I feel duty bound to add to the column inches about the mess that I watched yesterday as the exact fan that was hard done by.

It was miserable in general. I spent a good half hour waiting in a taxi queue to get down to the ground, then at least 15 stuck in traffic getting there and all this time I was still trying to be hopeful that they'd have a go at starting in the morning. When I, in full kid in a candy store mode, bounded up the steps of the priory stand hoping my personal hope would flow forth onto the pitch I still felt lucky, but obviously it wasn't to be.

From that initial dissapointment it's then 3.5 hours of nada, zip, nothing. no, sorry Ross Taylor and A N Other surfaced out of the marina and held a rugby ball and then walked off again.

Covers come off. That's a good thing. Finally 2:21 comes (oh yes, that acurate) and with a nice clear pitch infront of us they announce that a TwentyNine29 will start in 39 minutes time. 39 minutes? it's ready. 15 minutes of running about the field maybe, then get on with it. Already they clearly could have got at least 15 minutes more play right there and then, and as reported it kept in that vein.

It kept on like that it seemed until the powers that be realise that they've only played 24 overs so far today. And if they don't get out soon (by 6:06 at 5:45) then the match statistically can't get a result, therefore... and here's the killer... they're still in 50% refund territory. WOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOsh out the come in record time for the NZ innings and as if my magic there's 25 overs. Goodbye refund by 4 minutes. Hello justified but still whining Kiwi's and collywobbles pretending it wasn't timewasting.

One of the things I will now remember for ever was hearing Jeremy Coney talking about rule 43 on my Sky/TMS earpieces (s = I had two and a sports radio with me. Be prepared) was that day one of being an umpire is rule 43 - common sense. How can formally agreed regulations not be overruled if ALL officials AND BOTH TEAMS agree to do so? Cobblers to formal regulations if no one involved agrees with them given the factors affecting them.

So as the very fan Botham and Boycs continually try to stand up for, whatever their playing days may give away about their real opinions, I was annoyed. This was the ONE full day of cricket I could afford to go to this year. just the one, and I was going to be a great day. And whilst the weather is no ones fault apart from the Swiss, so so much more could have been done to mitigate it.

Monday, 16 June 2008

Pietersen on an inventing roll...

Fresh from inventing the reverse hit switch drive over long off / on with fries, KP was so excited about his new found ingenuity that he rushed home to his shed to see what else he could come up with.

Hopes are high that he can also find a way to combine Phil Mustards keeping, Graeme Onions bowling and Kola Burgers batting to help eliminate the drinks break and lunch intervals altogether.

[And back on topic, good for KP nothing wrong with what he did in the slightest and also nothing sweeping about either shots, but as Vettori remarked (after overhearing me think it) leg side wides shouldn't apply if the hand is switched changed, and status quo would be preserved]

Sunday, 15 June 2008

The abridged version: duck

A recent investigation by the UK government ECB and the Metropolitan Police those old farts with the red and yellow ties into knife crime batting helmets within the young male [cricketing] community has shown that your are statistically more likely to be involved in serious incidents if you elect to carry a knife wear a helmet in the first instance. Indeed, as widely reported in the media sub-par cricket blogs prior to its publication, the report goes so far as to highlight the fact that you are more likely to be wounded by your own knife helmet than that of one carried by an assailant Jimmy Anderson.

The full text of the report can be found here.

Friday, 13 June 2008

How to fix this mess. Part 3, subsection 9c

The issue of Tests Vs Twenty20 (and billy no mates ODI in the corner on facebook mobile) is naturally everywhere, thanks to those two greedy scroats Stanford and Modi. One massive thing that I believe would shore a lot of it up is Martin Crowe's idea of the Triple Treble which he floated in his Cowdrey lecture for moderately different reasons at the time.

  • Three tests
  • Three ODIs
  • Three T20s
This would do a whole heap of things to stabilize the game
  1. Standardising a tour - Before the IPL India were ODI mad, insisting of 7 ODI's in a tour, purely to get the money. Greedy scroats again, this time leaving an ugly and often boring series past the 5th match with potentially nothing to play for.

  2. Shortening a tour - The formal structure would reduce the number of tests played per country per season by 1, from 7 to 6. there's 9 days knocked off a tour without anything being half arsed

  3. Overall victory - Each individual match is a finite entity you can win. That's with a nice big fullstop at the end. With 3 different disciplines in equal measures you can then have a very clear winner of an entire series. Might want to do some points weighting in favour of the tests, but that's just fiddling.

  4. Stop the rot - The most important one really, in that this is it. BAM! you'll always play the same number of games each time. there's no wriggle room to say, well how about 4 T20s, 2 ODIs and 2 Tests? how about 9 T20s? Clearly not possible, meaning that whilst the longer formats do get reduced it's to a very clear position which has no reason to move any further.

  5. Prevent NZ only being given 2 Test series soon. (Here's looking at you kid)

  6. Less humiliating Ashes losses - No more 5-0 whitewashes!
Well that's one tiny tiny bit of the problem sorted. Next I'm going to recommend this whole Iraq thing would be a bit fixed if they called it iRaq instead and got Steve Jobs to promote it.

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Kolpak yer bags

There is finally looking like there will be some clarity of all the kolpak nonsense, not least the revelation that the EU regulations have been flouted horrifically - they should have been called Cotonou players all this time after all.

From my perspective the novelty of "kolpak" in itself is implicitly a bad thing, it's just stupid and is a theoretical legal loophole that was never even tested (unless I'm more ignorant than I thought). So the ECB was just too scared to even get anywhere near anything that might get near a court (although i think Miriam would have been able to nobble it if the need arised) and in fact they could always have just said no from day one, or at least year one, but no, like X through a Y they just let things degenerate.

The thing about this news (btw the news is that the EU commision said it's up to each country to interpret the Cotonou treaty as they jolly well see fit) is that David Smith of Kolpakshire (who else!?) said "I believe Kolpaks have added value to the county game." when he should clearly have said "I believe extra overseas have added value to the county game. And I like Celine Dion" as the base point is the players are simply not england qualified, nothing more nothing less, apart from a lawyer or two.

So if it is seen to be the case that all the Saffers have improved the quality of cricket as well as the Grace Road gate takings, then that's a reason to petition for more overseas players to be permitted in an 11, not to whine about a silly quasi-loophole that never even existed in the first place.

And anyway, this Kolpak guy... he's a handball player. What kind of a daft game is that when their goalie has a good day if he keeps 1/3 of the shots out of the net?!?!

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz 2!

Word got out to Clarke that he was in danger of being an anti-hero and set about to make sure that was not going to happen by doing a really substandard and tenuous job on his next FOUR victims. The rocket surgeon didn't stand a chance.

Same again, remember for now the surname initials are a clue, but it seems that's an unlikely feature in the long run going by this one!

BTW, If anyone wants to suggest a "prize" for this drivel, please do so...

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Pillocks pointing in pictures

Before I started this very blog that you are reading now with your own eyes (unless you are being read it, or they aren't your own eyes - maybe you found some spare ones) I'd frequently thought about a blog recording photos of people pointing at their mate. That combination of face and finger that say "hey hey, this is my mate the beer monster, he's mental!!!!!" or some such drivel. I no longer need to bother, as the ultimate photo has been found, featuring a complete pillock and a West Indian man in a dress.

"Oh hey, there's a native looking stupid! That'll make a great photo opportunity to make me look even more of the voice of the working man. Not sure if this layabout works though. I wouldn't employ him, that's for sure. Anyway, my photographer's ready now so I suppose I have to touch him. Smile. Don't stop smiling, I'll just hold my breath until it's over."


Clarke's Casualties Cwiz!

Following on from the revelation that Giles Clarke is an axe wielding psychopath, It has now come to light that Stephen Brenkley wasn't the first casualty.

Thanks to modern science, his previous victims have been saved by their only recognisable parts being attached under the supervision of a top rocket surgeon.

For your chance to win a date with this fine specimen of manliness, here's what to do.

Firstly work out all the 5 victims original identities and tell me which one is the odd one out and why. Additionally, their surname initials spell out a clue to the connection.

Convoluted but achievable. No bums and no cryptic gibberish what I saw on a BBC Four documentary neither.

This genuinely DID keep me awake in bed last night... please be gentle!

T20 Champions league

Those cunning young ladies at Little Otford Girl Guides have been able to take the press release regarding the new ICC Twenty20 Champtions league and distill it into it's constituent parts...

B) Lalit Modi
C) Rupees. lots of them.
D) Misguided ICL vitriol
E) Those other teams, whoever they are, you know, they ones who will lose

Thanks girls, that's great. Also a reminder that next thursday evenings visit to the farm has been postponed until next month, so wear normal shoes next week! no muddy footprints in the main hall!

Monday, 9 June 2008

What's worse? Failing or being unrequired?

...gland win.... luck... 7-43... batting at 3... gain bad light has... Taylor 154... ntle drizzl....

So a 2-0 win, just about what was expected, but as ever against the odds at many times in the middle. Danny boy picked up 2 gongs, with Strauss as the other man player of the series and Jimmy and Monty a man player of the match each. Well done good people, except anyone at all called James Michael Anderson (Born July 30, 1982, Burnley, Lancashire). You know who you are.

Almost as much discussion (on TMS at least) has fallen around the ginges, and as a fellow ginge I generally feel the guilt and therefore the urge to stick the knife in too. But given that so often it's only a couple of players who define the match in either direction, when you are clearly not one of them, what's worse: to have failed when possibly that could have been you, or to just never get a chance either way. In terms of the latter, Monty in the third test sadly wasn't allowed to say anything. He just got a bad LBW call against him to close Englands innings and then stood at long leg for the rest of the time, save for 11 measley overs for little more than sympathy from Vaughan.

At least Bell and Collingwood both had numerous chances to do something, they were involved, and noted and discussed (albeit for only 4 innings, not 6, which I'm sure annoyed them - bet they'd have preferred to be spending tomorrow putting on a 150 partnership to win the match). They were tested, they failed, the SORN is in the post. Monty just stood there, not needed, not useful. Obviously he stopped some runs. A given that he should have stopped more, but that goes for everyone. Clearly he was the absolute man in the 2nd test, but that was almost a fortnight ago. Nearly long enough for echo from his appeals to have faded. Nearly.

So how would you react if you were monty had had basically just punched a clock for three and a half days? Maybe there's nothing of substance there at all, but I think I'd have felt cheated or dejected for never being needed.

As for the ginges, give Bell back to Warwickshire please. Just to get them back into CC Div 1 again, and he's all Moores again.

Over cow corner

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Wrong Sport?

That'll be the well known Turkish sport of Coney-Bally then. Avid followers of the game will, of course, have already observed his controverial usage of the Hanning formation combined with a doppler tuck. It's so notable how the shorter form of the game (first to 9 globbets per sequence) is pushing so many boundaries.

Friday, 6 June 2008

Anderson continues to be consistently inconsistent

Well what a conundrum. Some real lacklustre performances in so many tests, and today he gets a PB with the bat and currently sitting on a very impressive 5-37 with NZ at 71-5...

Why can't he just decide? Either be good and stay good like Sidebottom, or be bad, and wallow in it Like erm... Neil Carter, bless him.

I'm still going to attempt to stick to my guns and recommend Hoggard replacing him against South Africa. I really feel sorry for Hoggy if he's aware of this spell, the poor money grabbing, official sponsor name dropping floppy little puppy dog he is.

Cooo and there's another wicket...

Things heat up ahead of the final test

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Nuff Said

Walking Wicket at Warwickshire

Chris Martin stays in Blighty to play for us (the royal "us" of course) for the rest of the season, replacing Monde Zondeki.

The overseas player* has largely performed well within his potential and been unable to capture the form and consequently the results which are well within his grasp being distinctly underwhelming with the ball and wholly without merit with the bat. Despite this the place in the national side seems to not be up for debate at this moment in time.

* Readers are requested to choose which player they wish to be referred to here...

New kecks for New Zealand

Oh, they just couldn't resist it could they? Having been simultaneously dazzled and put in the shade by the new England Daz test kit they have to try and spoil the party with their own super special trousers. Nice to see they genuinely did decide to drop the "abrasive patch" (read sandpaper) on one side of them.

Also these new trousers secrete painkillers to keep Oram upright, and a lightweight exoskeleton as previously trialled by Wallace to help Vettori make his ground on time.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

New research re: James Anderson

Fresh from (me imagining him) being dropped for the 3rd against NZ, Columbus Area youth club (Ohio) have published their new statistical study into James Anderson's charm, wit and charisma. They noted a distinct lack of anything to remotely empathise with during his interview on Cricket A.M this weekend.

A. James Anderson

B. That strange smell in the fridge, maybe it's that couscous from Easter.

C. Gout

They also noted that he managed to show no sense of humour or likability in the 6 minute section of the show, being woefully shown up my a chatty, thoughtful and highly likable Chris Read. Finally concluding that he's not even got a vaguely interesting nickname listed on Cricinfo, making the label for this article suitably uninteresting. Thought provoking reading I'm sure you'll agree. Not sure how they managed to catch the show from Ohio, but I'm sure they caught it better than Ian O'Brien.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Bears: Proud to keep losing

Phew, it turns out that Warwickshire are currently meant to be losing one day matches, it's all part of the plan according to the King of Spain. They refuse to go to ProteasMart and get a trolley full of Kolpak players to do their hard work for them. He does seem to be in a bit of a delicate position himself being both an England selector and head of coaching for the Bears, actually having to walk the walk.

I saw a program about neighbours (not "Neighbours" - Harold DID die) last night featuring a house with a back garden full of South Africans drinking round the clock. I guess Warwickshire have managed to keep Broad Street a secret from them or they'd be all over Edgbaston by now getting wickets, taking catches, scoring runs. Phew.