Clarkes Casualty Cwiz 4!

Following the 2nd South Africa vs England test match in 2008 Giles Clarke went on the rampage again. He managed to escape his jail made of papier mache bricks of old unsold copies of All Out Cricket (what a rag) and with the addition of mere twigs and spit formed the mush into a highly effective flame thrower / crossbow combination, and set out to get revenge.

As shown opposite, it's very possible for severely maimed and mutliated organs to perform a role in society and hold down a real job, rather than scrounge off of our benefit system. I blame the parents.

5 dudes. No silly clues. Who's the odd one out?

And yes it has been a while. New jobs do that to people.

Moore's and Vaughan's realisation

"Yeah, not quite the same effect, huh Virgil?"
"No Mr Peter. If I may be so bold sir... Bugger."
"Well yes. Indeed."
"Was Chris Lewis still up for it?"
"No, he took that dolly grip job on Gladiators."
"Hmm... Harmison?"
(both collapse on floor laughing)

[graph inspired by indexed]

CS Martin c Kartik b Murtagh 0 9 6 0 0 0.00

And there I was thinking it was all some clever ploy, being consistently awful for New Zealand for 19 years solid, with the plan being to get a nice little contract with T'Bears and coming out to bat for the first time in about 15 matches of contractdom, and no, he still is a shitty batsman. Who'd have thought it?

EPL, we've been expecting you. Pro40 RIP (about time)

Hurrah, Pro40 is going to die. About time too. Intended to be a "double Twenty20" the scores on the doors were seldom 20-30% higher with twice as many balls to face. It didn't work it was just a slightly shorter FP match.

In other news, this window is to be used for a 2x10 team T20 league lasting oooh forever in the second half of the year. The EPL WILL exist! I think this does make some sense, first half is FP, 2nd half is T20. Yeah I like that. You'd think with all those matches there might be room to have those funny "bundles" that I think happens with Association Football, allowing blocks of matches to be bought by other leagues. There are SO many kids (and adults) who don't know what Twenty20 is who would love it if they could see some of it on freeview.

Slightly worrying is the statement "Spectators want to watch Twenty20 cricket on Friday nights [...], and the county championship in midweek." So 1) poor old County Championship. What did it ever do wrong? and 2) Since when did the UK have a 5 day week? What about Saturday and Sunday? Guess there is scope to pull some county stuff back to a Sunday or maybe Saturday start but that's not hinted at in the slightest. That'd be a decent thing to do though. Then people would whine about consistent match schedules.

GUARD TAKING FAIL!

Graeme Swann thought it'd run down to the 3rd man boundary. The ball had other ideas, such as getting jiggy with the leg stump. Someone must have moved the stumps TWO FEET TO THE LEFT. There's no way someone of his calibre would screw up so badly. Unless...

A certain elegant lady female blogger on Cricket With Balls has already accused Swanny of match fixing, so clearly his international career is as good as over...

That bloody follow-on debacle

With my finest schoolboy cap on, the one with the clever graphical calculator pocket stitched into the back so I could always graph sinh x at the drop of a hat, I've been trying to see why the majority of those paid for their thoughts think the follow on was past obvious whilst those who I'd like to think of as my contemporaries say it was a stupidly crass and dumb move on Vaughans part.

Initially we have the state of play as of late Saturday afternoon. ENG 597/7d, RSA 247/10. Ntini and Steyn had been struggling to make the batsmen play with their balls and only 3 of their recognised batsman made double figures. Had it not been for Prince the Saffers could only have dreamt about 200+ runs.

From this point it surely looks like they are down and out, and England are in the position they are due to skill and form on both sides of the fence. Last 6 Lords tests have been drawn which should have been in Virgil's mind when he did the deed, but the raw figures say that this isn't just luck or an accident on Englands part. They deserve to be where they are and there is going to be one hell of a victory here.

So by Sunday the state of play has changed a lot and ending up only losing 3 wickets by Monday evening looks like something went wrong somewhere, but I can't see that that was the case in reality. By this time in the match the it seems that 247 was a freakish total and the pitch was actually worringly good, and maybe Morkel and co shouldn't have been lambasted as muchas they were. No one was really blaming our bowlers to the extreme like theirs were on the first few days.

This follow on in itself then. Sidders had a wonky night sleep and wasn't too hot, and it's only a 4 man attack. Would letting them sit in the pavillion for 1 1/2 or 2 sessions have changed anything? Well sure they'd have been more rested, and by Monday evening they were in a sorry state and worrying it could hang over to this coming Friday, but that's pure refined hindsight surely?

What was the alternative? England send Mssrs Cook and Strauss out again and by the end of Diagnosis Murder they're at 200/4 and give South Africa a day and a half to get a stupid total at 5rpo. They were already not going to manage it with the follow on, other than a net session and a few extra cups of Earl Grey for the lower order and a Penguin or two for Broad, it just doesn't seem worth it. And what if they DID do it? They do have the batting power to get the job done and then there would be so many beying for blood in the media...

Ultimately it just doesn't seem to matter. The match would never have had a result either way, but there still seems to have been a chance with the follow on, aching backs or not. It's not a clear cut as I thought it was, but still seems like the right decision to me.

Vaughans thoughts for the follow on

A - I don't want to get clean bowled again. People might start talking. Think I've got away with it so far.
B - If I get Monty to bowl for 14 hours he'll never be able to fight for the last Fruit Corner later.
C - Wonder if Baby Strauss could keep better than Tiny Tim
D - Well at least a defunct Sidebottom makes picking Jones easier
E - Hey, we could win this!

What's Graeme Smiths problem?

Any clues? After a having a nice long long time to get to grips with Vettori, McCullum and Oram, the wife was going along nicely. But now they've only gone and deserted her the bastards, so she needs to received wisdom, quick. We've covered Amla and the use of "beard" as a verb. Just got the rest of the squad to cover now...

Little help, please?

For starters, she knows she hates Smith quite a lot already, but just doesn't know why.

Other than the face.

Of course.

Bell puts clear water between him and the other ginge

So Bells devious scheme of disappearing off to a county match to rack up 215 worked wonders. Maybe it was in the mind, maybe it was in the Muppet but it worked as England finished the 1st innings of the first Saffers test at Lords on 203 not out.

After two rain intervals and some whinging moron with a stupid face continually having a go at the umpires just because it was raining heavily bell faced Harris and 2nd ball pushed one just past his fingers and down to the boundary, bringing up his first international double ton and then declaring on 597 for 7.

This innings clearly means that he is in no way on shaky ground for a good while yet. Whilst for sadly obvious reasons his 203* interests the media less than KP's 152, and Colly was clearly very hard done by and Amla will pay for being a bearded git, the two ginges are no longer an item. On the ECB selection panels agenda that is. Probably.

So Freddie is still slated for a comeback and thanks to exhibit A AND Broads superb 76 the only name in the frame is Capn Colly. This will allow a 5 man bowling attack, which wasn't something that seemed feasible a few months back, but as naughty and irresponsible as it is, there is no way you can ignore a bowler like Broad with the runs he's got. And it would surely have been Chris Stuart Broad WHO USED TO BE A BATSMAN having to make way due to his less impressive bowling figures compared to the others. Indeed for now his batting would even be able to cover up for Tiny Tim's shortcomings for a little longer, and *IF* Freddie gets among the runs too then England could be in a seriously good position. And *WHEN* he doesn't well we still should have lost very little if anything.

Back to Bell it's really nice seeing one of the "other" batsman really put the enemy to the sword. One of the players that's just there in the background. I always liked him. I didn't join the "Beat Ian Bell around the head with his own bat then stick stumps up his bum" group on Facebook. Not me. That's the wife.

STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN!!!!

Before Stuart Broad became the gangly bowling kiddywinkle he is today he was originally a reasonable batsman at cricket school. FACT!

Why a fact? sorry, FACT!? Because it must be true because I hear this EVERY BLOODY DAY on TMS and Sky.

For anyone else still not fully up to speed with this continual revelation:

STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN

C4 Ident lyrics found in Cape Town cellar

Our chief scientist / surgeon / archeologist / omlette chef has recently made a fascinating discovery in a cellar in deepest Cape Town, during an expedition to Farawayland. All together...



Those missing lyrics in full, by J.D Whetherspoon:
MORRRRR
NEEEEE

MORR
KELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Hopefully at least one other person might get this stuck in their head for a day...

Once more unto the breach

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more for the sixth time for no good reason*,
Or close the wall up with our English dead wicket keepers!
In peace there's nothing so becomes a northern captain with a stick right up his arse
As modest forward defensives and being then bowled for 12. Again;
But when the blast of Boucher blows in KP's ears,
Then imitate the action of the Tenessee Scare Goat:
Stiffen the entire body, and take one on the pads as hawkeye shows it going on to hit top of off.

All this negativity! No No No! I will not assume it's all gone to hell in a hand cart just because 3 of their top 6 have got tons. I'll wait until England are skittled for 81 before assuming it.

* It's not even as it Norris McWhirter is still alive.

Stuffy old gits wreck T20 semi

So this young dude, Rafeeq, doesn't have a UK passport. As such the first semi on Monday was called off. Don't get it. Why didn't they just play anyway and worry about the consequences later? If Yorkshite are let off then the result stands whatever, if they are guilty and chucked out, then either Durham get a bye or they replay against Notts or Taff Utd. Either way a game would have taken place, probably of a very high quality, and all fans, especially those who made the trip, would have got their monies worth. Instead we got an empty northern hovel to look at (pictured)

Postponing just before start was surely *THE* worst outcome save for a live spanking of the guilty board members. In the dodgy match the nipper bowled 2 overs @ 9 in an innings that average 6.8rpo. Took no catches. Didn't bat. Presumably stood on the point boundary and got cold. He was, by all accounts, a hindrance, not a help in any real way.

This again seems to be an example of old gits not having a clue how to deal with real life scenario's... Sure it's against the rules, but a bit of pragmatism wouldn't hurt once in a while would it? Ack!

ICC vs world government

Today the G8 group of countries collectively met and formally rejected the legitimacy of the newly re-elected Mugabe regime in Zimbabwe. Since the meeting adjourned there have been further statements from the UK and other countries pushing forward the desire to impose financial sanctions upon him, his government and that absurdly narrow tache thing on his top lip. Maybe he has an obscenely deep and hard to groom philtrum. Maybe he things the ladies like it. I expect Ceci does. Either way it currently seems actively likely that such sanctions may be implemented by the end of next week.

Prior to this, the Incontinent Cretin Club got together to discuss how best to not rock any metaphorical boats in any metaphorical harbours, especially the BCCI's what with how they run the place. Thanks to being archaic it was, unlike the real world, workably impossible for them to impose anything upon ZC, not even going straight to bed without warm milk, or having to play in their pants an vests. Had they previously filed a motion the previous year to the effect of excluding them then they would have been in serious doo doo as they'd have had to dig really really REALLY deep into the old codes to find a rule that stops them doing what everyone else wants them to do.

Big people 519/8d, ICC 13/10

Breaking News! Graham Napier might be kind of special one day!

SO... last night he was a touch above the norm with bat and ball, and some pretty good work in the deep to boot. It's this consistency after the big stuff that makes him possibly glow in the dark after all. 3 for 10 and 40 @ 200 was great. Very great. But he'll need to actually affect his averages for a while before he surely deserves to be taken seriously.

Mind you Northants where their impressively bland self. What is it with them and Derby that makes me continually forget they exist?

On the way to get Pizza this evening (well, it is the wife's birthday... no expense spared) they were again talking about him and the bloody Stanford match. Should the ECB pick him?? Well why should they? it's an unofficial game that means nothing other than for the money the winners should receive. There's no wider benefit in actually winning the game at all is there? So why should you put aside the long serving (and admittedly already stinking rich) players for a bunch of different ones who might never otherwise be considered so that they can get too much money for too little work instead of someone else? Shouldn't the players in that godforsaken match get their place through long term international commitments an performance *instead* of actual skill??

Breaking News! Graham Napier is human!

2008 season so far
FP Trophy: 1*, 4, 7, 1, 61
Twenty20 Cup: 31, 37, 9, 17, 1, 152, 17, 18

6 poor scores, 3 average, 3 good and 1 amazing one. Outside of a single 45 minute period Graham Napier has been fine. OK. Normal. Over his 11 year career he averages 16.84 in List A matches. Fair to that's fine for a bowler, which he's meant to be, and with figures of 148 @ 24.93 he's been worth having in the squad most of the time.

He's been a journeyman for a long time now, but since June 24th you'd think he learnt to shit gold bars.

The whole countries media has taken every leaf available from Cricket AM's book and no live show has gone to air without the 5 minute, 3 minute, 1 minute, 30 second and 15 second versions of his innings highlights all queued up and ready to roll and my God they've had their money's worth out of them.

Maybe it's because everyone wants to believe he's our McCullum or something. But when Nassar and Willis and everyone else can't stop talking about him, it just seems they're whipping each other into a frenzy which really doesn't exist outside of their directors feed into their ear.

This cheeky chappy has got the rest of the season to show he's got long term talent as a ball twatter, a good show in the FP final and a confident Pro40 season and maybe this hysteria will be able to become something more solid but for now, he just got lucky. Actually let's make that "Lucky" with air fingers, as I bet there was no drug testing at the match that day...

Bell makes double, no, triple figures!

Canny young man / rodent faced gimp that IR Bell. He probably had a few disturbed nights worrying about his place in the test squad next week, so asks permission to go away and practise in a county match against Gloucester. What good did that do? 3? Nope. 24? Nope. 68? Nope, but closer. 124? Keep going! 215? Yes that's the one, have a biscuit. Bizarrely only his 5th ton at Edgbaston and a double at that. What excellent timing that was. Seems no chance of him not starting next week now.

He loves it when a plan comes together.

He also loves it when that woman on that video falls over and gets carried off on the luggage carousel on You've Been Framed, but then he is from Coventry, so you've got to let him has his little problems.

Oh and Trotty got 160 not out too. Kick, and indeed, Ass.