Mike Selvey is right

*Everyone* apart from Adam Mountfield knows it. Job done.

[If anyone does wonder why it's gone pretty quiet here, it the usual workload excuses. Normal service should be resumed in about a month, maybe.]

Ahhh Stuey Stuey woahh ahh ahhh ahh ahhhh

Everyone hates Social Services right? Every so often some poor child dies due to alleged ineptitude within the home inspections and what not that they do. Missing some key signs. There's also the stories where there's some poor soul, normally about 13 years old, who single handedly looks after his / her sick / disabled mother, his little sister and still takes themselves off to school most days to get an education. And this sort of thing is allowed to go un-meddled with by Social Services as despite how totally amoral it is that a government organisation lets such a burden rest upon such small shoulders, doing so much that they shouldn't do. And it goes on because it's seen to "work" and costs an awful lot less than those in power actually doing something to improve the families situation.

A young developing bowler with a test batting average of 41.22 seems like a good candidate to be quietly ignored for all the wrong reasons. Until he's meaty enough to get that precious enameled All Rounder badge pinned to his shirt, he has to be protected more and be selected as a bowler and nothing more. Unless he wants to reinvent himself to a middle order batsman again. At present he has an awesome batting average as above, but has a bowling average of 49, so if you do the raw maths he is sadly not being "worth" it in the long run. Similar to many of the stats about Prior being too costly with the gloves, Broad is currently being too costly with the ball - in the narrow view at least. All that blocking up one end stuff has been useful, sure.

So look after him you bunch of incontinent money grabbing, Texan worships goons. If you don't destroy him by demanding runs, he'll win the ashes in 5 years, no probs.

I'd been meaning to write about the boy wonder since before the last test, and was still expecting him to play. Now he, and his batting average, did skip the 3rd test there's certainly some more confidence about his treatment. Such an odd change that did seem though. Broad for Colly - weakening your batting lineup by picking another batsman.

Obligatory Vaughan / KP post

Still got a blog remember... come on... you might be working at silly o'clock, doesn't mean you can ignore your public.

So Vaughan goes now, well OK I guess. Odd timing in many peoples eyes but it does give a "free" test to do all sorts of things like actually pick the right players in the first place. Over the year so far it's all been doubt on the ginges but when the captain's mantle is removed he was clearly in there too. People commented on Bell being a fair weather batsman which holds up well against stats, Vaughan seemed to have become a poor weather batsman. Rather than being able to get to 3 figures when someone else already had, if someone had just got out, he seemed to find it strangely easy to do the same shortly afterwards. If it was technically possible that he could arrive at the crease about 2 hours after the last wicket fell then I'm sure he would have reverted to his previous form and stuck around. Just needed an impromptu plate spinning extravaganza from Monty or Smith and Kallis to have a pie eating contest for a few hours on the square immediately after Eyeliner edges one and he could have been fine.

Can't see Vaughan coming back apart from someone really looking an arse in the middle of their own accord. Boycott is clearly livid at the idea of Virgil coming back to Yorkshire and using up one of their batting spots. He never used to get runs in county, and if he ever wants to be picked again surely that has to change.

Insofar as KP coming in, you hear a rule of picking the team and then the captain which seems like a logical thing to do, but then the reality kicks in and you think "but.... who???". The selectors were unanimous in voting for KP, well no shit sherlock, have a medal AND a biscuit. what other options *within* the usual suspects are there? KP, Bell (only still usual due to his recent 203*), Eyeliner (Maybe... only maybe), Freddie (Until he forgets to fill in a popping crease hole one over and *never* recovers), and Strauss (and that's giving a spot back in the short form, which shouldn't happen). It's hardly inspiring in terms of leadership. I just hope he keeps batting like a loon through this all.

I can see so many opportunities for the England side to step up to the marketing mens ideas. I bet there are plenty of Take On Me-like pencil sketches of KP and his new fashionable and very very beautiful squad hitting sixes with sexy slogans daubed all over them. I'm sure Cook will get his own brand of Manscara in the mix at some point.

Clarkes Casualty Cwiz 4!

Following the 2nd South Africa vs England test match in 2008 Giles Clarke went on the rampage again. He managed to escape his jail made of papier mache bricks of old unsold copies of All Out Cricket (what a rag) and with the addition of mere twigs and spit formed the mush into a highly effective flame thrower / crossbow combination, and set out to get revenge.

As shown opposite, it's very possible for severely maimed and mutliated organs to perform a role in society and hold down a real job, rather than scrounge off of our benefit system. I blame the parents.

5 dudes. No silly clues. Who's the odd one out?

And yes it has been a while. New jobs do that to people.

Moore's and Vaughan's realisation

"Yeah, not quite the same effect, huh Virgil?"
"No Mr Peter. If I may be so bold sir... Bugger."
"Well yes. Indeed."
"Was Chris Lewis still up for it?"
"No, he took that dolly grip job on Gladiators."
"Hmm... Harmison?"
(both collapse on floor laughing)

[graph inspired by indexed]

CS Martin c Kartik b Murtagh 0 9 6 0 0 0.00

And there I was thinking it was all some clever ploy, being consistently awful for New Zealand for 19 years solid, with the plan being to get a nice little contract with T'Bears and coming out to bat for the first time in about 15 matches of contractdom, and no, he still is a shitty batsman. Who'd have thought it?

EPL, we've been expecting you. Pro40 RIP (about time)

Hurrah, Pro40 is going to die. About time too. Intended to be a "double Twenty20" the scores on the doors were seldom 20-30% higher with twice as many balls to face. It didn't work it was just a slightly shorter FP match.

In other news, this window is to be used for a 2x10 team T20 league lasting oooh forever in the second half of the year. The EPL WILL exist! I think this does make some sense, first half is FP, 2nd half is T20. Yeah I like that. You'd think with all those matches there might be room to have those funny "bundles" that I think happens with Association Football, allowing blocks of matches to be bought by other leagues. There are SO many kids (and adults) who don't know what Twenty20 is who would love it if they could see some of it on freeview.

Slightly worrying is the statement "Spectators want to watch Twenty20 cricket on Friday nights [...], and the county championship in midweek." So 1) poor old County Championship. What did it ever do wrong? and 2) Since when did the UK have a 5 day week? What about Saturday and Sunday? Guess there is scope to pull some county stuff back to a Sunday or maybe Saturday start but that's not hinted at in the slightest. That'd be a decent thing to do though. Then people would whine about consistent match schedules.

GUARD TAKING FAIL!

Graeme Swann thought it'd run down to the 3rd man boundary. The ball had other ideas, such as getting jiggy with the leg stump. Someone must have moved the stumps TWO FEET TO THE LEFT. There's no way someone of his calibre would screw up so badly. Unless...

A certain elegant lady female blogger on Cricket With Balls has already accused Swanny of match fixing, so clearly his international career is as good as over...

That bloody follow-on debacle

With my finest schoolboy cap on, the one with the clever graphical calculator pocket stitched into the back so I could always graph sinh x at the drop of a hat, I've been trying to see why the majority of those paid for their thoughts think the follow on was past obvious whilst those who I'd like to think of as my contemporaries say it was a stupidly crass and dumb move on Vaughans part.

Initially we have the state of play as of late Saturday afternoon. ENG 597/7d, RSA 247/10. Ntini and Steyn had been struggling to make the batsmen play with their balls and only 3 of their recognised batsman made double figures. Had it not been for Prince the Saffers could only have dreamt about 200+ runs.

From this point it surely looks like they are down and out, and England are in the position they are due to skill and form on both sides of the fence. Last 6 Lords tests have been drawn which should have been in Virgil's mind when he did the deed, but the raw figures say that this isn't just luck or an accident on Englands part. They deserve to be where they are and there is going to be one hell of a victory here.

So by Sunday the state of play has changed a lot and ending up only losing 3 wickets by Monday evening looks like something went wrong somewhere, but I can't see that that was the case in reality. By this time in the match the it seems that 247 was a freakish total and the pitch was actually worringly good, and maybe Morkel and co shouldn't have been lambasted as muchas they were. No one was really blaming our bowlers to the extreme like theirs were on the first few days.

This follow on in itself then. Sidders had a wonky night sleep and wasn't too hot, and it's only a 4 man attack. Would letting them sit in the pavillion for 1 1/2 or 2 sessions have changed anything? Well sure they'd have been more rested, and by Monday evening they were in a sorry state and worrying it could hang over to this coming Friday, but that's pure refined hindsight surely?

What was the alternative? England send Mssrs Cook and Strauss out again and by the end of Diagnosis Murder they're at 200/4 and give South Africa a day and a half to get a stupid total at 5rpo. They were already not going to manage it with the follow on, other than a net session and a few extra cups of Earl Grey for the lower order and a Penguin or two for Broad, it just doesn't seem worth it. And what if they DID do it? They do have the batting power to get the job done and then there would be so many beying for blood in the media...

Ultimately it just doesn't seem to matter. The match would never have had a result either way, but there still seems to have been a chance with the follow on, aching backs or not. It's not a clear cut as I thought it was, but still seems like the right decision to me.

Vaughans thoughts for the follow on

A - I don't want to get clean bowled again. People might start talking. Think I've got away with it so far.
B - If I get Monty to bowl for 14 hours he'll never be able to fight for the last Fruit Corner later.
C - Wonder if Baby Strauss could keep better than Tiny Tim
D - Well at least a defunct Sidebottom makes picking Jones easier
E - Hey, we could win this!

What's Graeme Smiths problem?

Any clues? After a having a nice long long time to get to grips with Vettori, McCullum and Oram, the wife was going along nicely. But now they've only gone and deserted her the bastards, so she needs to received wisdom, quick. We've covered Amla and the use of "beard" as a verb. Just got the rest of the squad to cover now...

Little help, please?

For starters, she knows she hates Smith quite a lot already, but just doesn't know why.

Other than the face.

Of course.