Andy Foreigner FTW!!!!!11

Andy Flower is, as expected, the new England Coach. Seems that Strauss didn't want a Coach role at all, more a team manager, but daren't say so to the press. Either way, good luck to him. Please.

This appointment is important, right? It's a widely held belief that the coach is responsible for form and results to a level where he (or she, or it) is held more accountable for failures in a team than the goons holding the lumps of willow themselves.

So with that established, how is it logical that that person is allowed to not be of the nationality of the team? If it's so critical then that surely means that it is significantly representative of the country in question, so how can Johnny foreigner be allowed that job?

Seems to be even more so the case with Association Football, where out national team had a Swede, then a Brit (for national pride to be restored) and then when national pride was seen to be a sack of poop, he was given the elbow and replaced with an... Italian? Or is he Spanish? Not sure. When England failed to get in that Euro tournament the other year, the manager got the boot, not the players.

Anyway, seems I'm just saying the same thing again and again so I'll stop.. but isn't it just a little weird logically??

More WTF happened?

Since the 51 all out I'm still lost as to how an entire team sucks bottom. A team which is, undeniably, good. Not excellent. Not remarkable. Possibly not even all that memorable. But still... good.

Now there was, as was demonstrated handsomely by the man Gayle, no nasties in the pitch, yet there are certain scorecards which would initially say otherwise.

Are there not questions to be asked about how, for example, Pietersen allowed himself to be so brash and bold and get out for 3 off of 15? There's always so much comment saying that that's the point of him. That's his genius, and if you try to contain him, you'll ruin him. That's surely just drivel. As a responsible player, one who was in that very squad getting the 51, he should have something in his mind to watch out for a potential collapse.

Dimi did well considered, 36 off of 76. Now that must have been reasonably painful for a dude with an ODI strike rate over 120. But he did it, whatever "it" was. Shouldn't these world class super hero mega god batsman be able to see what might happen if they were to end up with similar stats to those already departed?

More and more I'm inclined to think I'm missing something. That if I had my way my England squads would be drab, miserable and would lose. But then I'd tried to think that about Amjad Khan, and I'm more than convinced I was right all along.

[btw, please note Lemmings are, in honour of the occasion, resplendent in England replica kits]

What the hell happened??

Seriously... what?

Whilst Taylor and co. did indeed bowl their socks off, how does an entire team just not turn up with the bat.

Did their periods all suddenly start at the same time?

Clearly there is the issue of having no coach, something that Strauss approved of. And in a similar vein there was the comments from Strauss about how he wanted to make all the players take more personal responsibility for their own preparation. What happened to that?

I can't put forward much of a theory myself, but it does seem similar to what I heard happening to Totnes Hot Tubs in the association football. They were sucking with one manager, so they got someone else to shout at their overpaid pansies and somehow it worked...

Ultimately though one has to take the longview, it's just one match, just one and a half fscking sessions... life goes on, and there are still 3 tests. Having said that though, I'm looking forward to my Ashes tickets a little less than I was this morning.

One thing that did change during that humiliating time was that whilst when Bell went for 4 he looked totally finally doomed in favour of Shah, by the end of the match, his figures were technically above average, so no longer expect Shah next time!

Referral ballsups already

Three england referrals in the 2nd innings of the first test of the new Windies series. One went well, one was stupid, one went bad. Two made Tony Hill look like a prat, one did so for Strauss

So the first one - Smith goes LBW after Hill says not out. Hawkeye replays confirm facts that the ball pitched inline, and hit him inline, very low. I'm not sure why it wasn't given out in the first place. To me I think it looked like due to the way Smith hopped back, that the ball appeared to be going down leg. Back on hawkeye this was blatantly not the case. So after following some clear evidence, there was the need to over rule a *BAD* call by the umpire. Strike one for the referral system.

Middle one - Strauss, don't be a fool.

Third one - So here's the real contention. Sarwan given out with the ball appearing to be clipping top of middle and leg. The Windies referral shows that the ball is completely legit, and is going reasonably high. Without the predicted part of Hawkeye, who knows where it's going. But Harper decided that if he was standing at the non-strikers end, he would probably have had enough doubt to say not out. And that's where the system fell apart. It's not his place to say there was enough doubt. It's his job to over ride *blatant* errors. Whilst the ball may not have hit, it was a reasonable decision from the on-field umpire, correct or not. Harper should have upheld the decision based on how both me and Nasser have read the system. Even if the ball was going over by half an inch, it still should have been upheld on principle. And even more galling was that Hawkeye said it WOULD have hit anyway, so the overrule was probably wrong anyway. What a shambles!

So first off the system worked because of FACTS. LOVELY BEAUTIFUL FACTS. in the second time there was F.U.D! Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt!

Shouldn't the system only deal with undeniable truths? If so, that also means there's surely no need to actually have a third umpire watching it.

Give the on-field umpire some sort of audio feed from Hawkeye...

Bowler runs up and... Bowls.
BEEP! - No front foot no ball.
LAAA! - Ball pitched in line.
BONG! - Ball hit in line.
PING! - Microwave popcorn is ready.

Give the umpire instantly processed audible facts about what has definitlely happened direct form hawkeye. With the right noises within a second or so, the first referral would have never happened, as Hill would have KNOWN what happened for sure. And the third would also never have happened as you'd have not been allowed to refer it as it was a fair decision.

Sorted. Respect due.

Monty and Modi sitting in a tree...

So... This whole IPL thing is finally going to happen to the brits. Well, actually to the English and theoretically to the Welsh, and who cares about the others?

Anywho, Pietersen is gonna go for a cool gazillion kerjiggers and Stuart Broad has already run off home crying. Both make sense, but in case no one else has noticed, Monty's keys are still very much in the bowl.

That's just daft.

Everyone has seen how great test players can make seriously shitty T20 players... Dravid, Ponting etc. Yet their names were so big, no one cared in the first year of IPL, and no one put enough gravity on the T20 internationals for them to be sidelined.

Monty.

Really?? Last year I saw Warwickshire host a T20 against North Hants. The Steelbacks wouldn't even pick Monty despite him being available. No wonder really. Who seriously thinks that Monty, who is a distant memory from the England ODI squad, and Only played 11 T20 matches ever (of which one international, in Ozzville), is a going concern for the IPL?

This isn't even a case of lining up against the wall in P.E. and getting picked last... No one is there to make up the numbers... Poor sod.

Shahly you can't be serious

In what outwardly seems a pretty logical and reasonable move, England are playing practise matches with a proper 11 man line-up. Whilst there's obviously less practise across the board, playing a warm up as close to the real thing as possible.

Goodo. That's that sorted then.

Well, two largely unexpected changes - Shah in for Collywobbles and Rashid in for well... whoever really. It would certainly seem that Shah is ultimately there to knock on Bell's door. Poor old Ian (who, after all these years, I am *still* older than - who'd have thought it??) has had no form for ages, but then as it only takes one bad ball per innings (every chuffing time recently) it looks very much that the two of them are just being straight squared off against one another here. Best performance takes #3 methinks.

Looks again like a real similar situation for Adil, but quite who they think he's being paired off against I dunno. I'd say Swanny but then it's Monty who's been so doubtful in India. If only I had a clue what I was talking about.

This is a pretty bittersweet story for me. It gives me the chance to finally post my Shah Wars picture outside of Facebook, but also be shown up by just how out of date the picture already is since I did it a month back. Bugger.

ZOMFG!!!!1 KP GONE!

A mere 5 months and already another one bites the dust. Yesterday I was thinking how funny it would be if that happened, which it clearly wouldn't. This morning all the bloody discussions will start all over again. KP has quit as England captain (both forms of course) and unless the ECB appoint someone pretty chuffing quickly, then all the nominations of Rob Key and other has-beens will start again.

Ashes, it was nice thinking we might know you.

Most people would be inclined to go for Andrew "Cricket saved me from becoming an accountant" Strauss, which on the test side seems a pretty fair bet. Someone nice and dull who's doing OK. That would though raise that bloody awful split captaincy gubbins again though, and prior to Colly getting the nod, the only other dude in the frame was KP anyway. Let's go for oooh Prior.. yeah that's a great idea, let's stop all possible discussions of shitty keeping coming back by forcing a selection of a keeper regardless of form.

Sorted. Respect due.

But you know what hurts most? I had to find out from Sarah From Canterbury's Facebook status. Teach me to play mp3's in the car on the way to work for the first time in a year. (Kings of Leon - Only by the night btw...)

Everyone wants to be the spinner

Fresh from Monty being seriously shown up by Swann / Swanny / The Swannster / Swannarooney / Swanndabidozie in India, the Windies squad is announced with yet another sure fire mega hit for the future in the form of Adil Rashid. All I can see in this selection by the old farts in the ICC is just a nod to other vaguely respected old farts elsewhere that, yes, yes, they do still expect big things from the lad, despite him moving on very very little over the summer just gone. When was the last time 3 spinners were in a single squad that was meant to be taken seriously? What a waste of time. Presuming that only 1 spinner will actually play, 1 will carry drinks and one will not even be told in person that he's not getting on the plane in the first place, why bother? Elsewhere in the squad assuming we're also playing 3 dedicated pace men, there's 1 spare wicky, a spare bowler and a spare batsman (please let it be Bell...) but 2 spare spinners is apparently the order of the day?

If there's no room for Vaughan, why get Rashid's hopes up? Pointless.

Swannywoowoo's dayboo

Swann gets his dayboo in the wee small hours tomorrow. England will have a whole 1.75 spinners tomorrow, which is the most since Old Man Udal helped Monty out in India 2006*. They'd been doing reasonably well with the usual 1.25 spinners or occasionally with an extra .1 when Vaughan fancied a bash at it, but that extra half will hopefully make a pleasant difference.

* I can use statsguru, me.

Too many Daves

5-0 down, with 2 more to lose. And it really does seem like an odd squad in general. An opener who you happily put down to bat at 9 the next match. flip flopping between your no. 3 and 4... There have been many cries in the press for bringing back in guys like Bresnan and Macarena. The more I see the squad the more I see why they are not in the line up.

Their name isn't Dave.

Peter Moores seems to like Daves. Everyone likes Dave. Everyone needs a mate called Dave to help "sort things" and drink them under the table. Since he's filled Norman Stanley Fletcher's shoes there have been many new additions, particuarly to the ODI lineup:

Dave Prior - Knows this guy who can get you some cheap DVD's by the Aldi carrier bag full.
Dave Bopara - Well we all know he can bosh up a sweet little shed in no time.
Dave Wright - Innit.
Dave Shah - Please, it's actually David. But erm, yes, I admit I am aware of other fellows with which to converse about canines.
Dave Swann - Ahh I was down Chimpys wiv Bongo and Nudge the other day, man what a geezer... middle of the joint he pulls out his........
Dave Patel - Geeeeeeezer!

Ever felt a face just didn't fit regardless of performance? Definitely a case of too many Daves and no real idea of what to do with them. A squad that seems to be built out of individuals and their county stats rather than a cohesive team with clear roles. I never liked seeing Bresnan, Mahmood or James Arbuthnot Dalrymple in an England, what with them being general wet blankets. But a whole heap of Dave's surely isn't working out.

And I get to link to this too. Because I say so.

That bloody follow-on debacle

With my finest schoolboy cap on, the one with the clever graphical calculator pocket stitched into the back so I could always graph sinh x at the drop of a hat, I've been trying to see why the majority of those paid for their thoughts think the follow on was past obvious whilst those who I'd like to think of as my contemporaries say it was a stupidly crass and dumb move on Vaughans part.

Initially we have the state of play as of late Saturday afternoon. ENG 597/7d, RSA 247/10. Ntini and Steyn had been struggling to make the batsmen play with their balls and only 3 of their recognised batsman made double figures. Had it not been for Prince the Saffers could only have dreamt about 200+ runs.

From this point it surely looks like they are down and out, and England are in the position they are due to skill and form on both sides of the fence. Last 6 Lords tests have been drawn which should have been in Virgil's mind when he did the deed, but the raw figures say that this isn't just luck or an accident on Englands part. They deserve to be where they are and there is going to be one hell of a victory here.

So by Sunday the state of play has changed a lot and ending up only losing 3 wickets by Monday evening looks like something went wrong somewhere, but I can't see that that was the case in reality. By this time in the match the it seems that 247 was a freakish total and the pitch was actually worringly good, and maybe Morkel and co shouldn't have been lambasted as muchas they were. No one was really blaming our bowlers to the extreme like theirs were on the first few days.

This follow on in itself then. Sidders had a wonky night sleep and wasn't too hot, and it's only a 4 man attack. Would letting them sit in the pavillion for 1 1/2 or 2 sessions have changed anything? Well sure they'd have been more rested, and by Monday evening they were in a sorry state and worrying it could hang over to this coming Friday, but that's pure refined hindsight surely?

What was the alternative? England send Mssrs Cook and Strauss out again and by the end of Diagnosis Murder they're at 200/4 and give South Africa a day and a half to get a stupid total at 5rpo. They were already not going to manage it with the follow on, other than a net session and a few extra cups of Earl Grey for the lower order and a Penguin or two for Broad, it just doesn't seem worth it. And what if they DID do it? They do have the batting power to get the job done and then there would be so many beying for blood in the media...

Ultimately it just doesn't seem to matter. The match would never have had a result either way, but there still seems to have been a chance with the follow on, aching backs or not. It's not a clear cut as I thought it was, but still seems like the right decision to me.

Vaughans thoughts for the follow on

A - I don't want to get clean bowled again. People might start talking. Think I've got away with it so far.
B - If I get Monty to bowl for 14 hours he'll never be able to fight for the last Fruit Corner later.
C - Wonder if Baby Strauss could keep better than Tiny Tim
D - Well at least a defunct Sidebottom makes picking Jones easier
E - Hey, we could win this!

Once more unto the breach

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more for the sixth time for no good reason*,
Or close the wall up with our English dead wicket keepers!
In peace there's nothing so becomes a northern captain with a stick right up his arse
As modest forward defensives and being then bowled for 12. Again;
But when the blast of Boucher blows in KP's ears,
Then imitate the action of the Tenessee Scare Goat:
Stiffen the entire body, and take one on the pads as hawkeye shows it going on to hit top of off.

All this negativity! No No No! I will not assume it's all gone to hell in a hand cart just because 3 of their top 6 have got tons. I'll wait until England are skittled for 81 before assuming it.

* It's not even as it Norris McWhirter is still alive.

So long NZ, so long Tim

Bar a few deprived third world nations, the New Zealand tour is finally over!!!!

[ This space intentionally left blank for thoughts of ticker tape parades, fanfairs and biscuits (biscuits are good, why not?) ]

Coupled with the England tour to Middle Earth, it's been a long long long 6 months. Over that time we've seen England scrape through in the long stuff, and generally under perform in the short stuff. Most wins actually seemed to be down to one side losing, rather than the others winning. I'll soon forget all about it I'm sure though, only to be left with memories of that tooth and Jesse Ryder being a prat. The one other thing that will be left in my mind is also to be the coming one and going of two more wicket keepers.

Mustard was cast aside because Peter Moores found yet another a new toy, but that new toy's batteries seem to be made by Duraseal, Evenready or Energreaser and ran out as soon as the turbo button was pressed. Sorry to drag on that metaphor, but I guess it's possible that the batteries may be replaced, but even when they when they were new out the box, 21 catches in 24 innings doesn't set the world alight, and today's obscene drop of How seemed to be something of a nail in Tim's ODI coffin after an utterly dismal series with the bat. I reckon we're going to see someone change at least for the ODI's, and it doesn't seem that a keeper should need to be changed between formats.

And what did poor old Chris Read do wrong in the first place? He was sent away to improve with the bat and he jolly well did, and then ust dissapeared again. The Colonel also has a similar epitaph, but he can wait his turn while the best glove man in the country gets brought back into the fold. Please?

Edgbaston Spectator: My Story.

As I have a real picture which I really took myself I feel duty bound to add to the column inches about the mess that I watched yesterday as the exact fan that was hard done by.

It was miserable in general. I spent a good half hour waiting in a taxi queue to get down to the ground, then at least 15 stuck in traffic getting there and all this time I was still trying to be hopeful that they'd have a go at starting in the morning. When I, in full kid in a candy store mode, bounded up the steps of the priory stand hoping my personal hope would flow forth onto the pitch I still felt lucky, but obviously it wasn't to be.

From that initial dissapointment it's then 3.5 hours of nada, zip, nothing. no, sorry Ross Taylor and A N Other surfaced out of the marina and held a rugby ball and then walked off again.

Covers come off. That's a good thing. Finally 2:21 comes (oh yes, that acurate) and with a nice clear pitch infront of us they announce that a TwentyNine29 will start in 39 minutes time. 39 minutes? it's ready. 15 minutes of running about the field maybe, then get on with it. Already they clearly could have got at least 15 minutes more play right there and then, and as reported it kept in that vein.

It kept on like that it seemed until the powers that be realise that they've only played 24 overs so far today. And if they don't get out soon (by 6:06 at 5:45) then the match statistically can't get a result, therefore... and here's the killer... they're still in 50% refund territory. WOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOsh out the come in record time for the NZ innings and as if my magic there's 25 overs. Goodbye refund by 4 minutes. Hello justified but still whining Kiwi's and collywobbles pretending it wasn't timewasting.

One of the things I will now remember for ever was hearing Jeremy Coney talking about rule 43 on my Sky/TMS earpieces (s = I had two and a sports radio with me. Be prepared) was that day one of being an umpire is rule 43 - common sense. How can formally agreed regulations not be overruled if ALL officials AND BOTH TEAMS agree to do so? Cobblers to formal regulations if no one involved agrees with them given the factors affecting them.

So as the very fan Botham and Boycs continually try to stand up for, whatever their playing days may give away about their real opinions, I was annoyed. This was the ONE full day of cricket I could afford to go to this year. just the one, and I was going to be a great day. And whilst the weather is no ones fault apart from the Swiss, so so much more could have been done to mitigate it.

What's worse? Failing or being unrequired?

...gland win.... luck... 7-43... batting at 3... gain bad light has... Taylor 154... ntle drizzl....

So a 2-0 win, just about what was expected, but as ever against the odds at many times in the middle. Danny boy picked up 2 gongs, with Strauss as the other man player of the series and Jimmy and Monty a man player of the match each. Well done good people, except anyone at all called James Michael Anderson (Born July 30, 1982, Burnley, Lancashire). You know who you are.

Almost as much discussion (on TMS at least) has fallen around the ginges, and as a fellow ginge I generally feel the guilt and therefore the urge to stick the knife in too. But given that so often it's only a couple of players who define the match in either direction, when you are clearly not one of them, what's worse: to have failed when possibly that could have been you, or to just never get a chance either way. In terms of the latter, Monty in the third test sadly wasn't allowed to say anything. He just got a bad LBW call against him to close Englands innings and then stood at long leg for the rest of the time, save for 11 measley overs for little more than sympathy from Vaughan.

At least Bell and Collingwood both had numerous chances to do something, they were involved, and noted and discussed (albeit for only 4 innings, not 6, which I'm sure annoyed them - bet they'd have preferred to be spending tomorrow putting on a 150 partnership to win the match). They were tested, they failed, the SORN is in the post. Monty just stood there, not needed, not useful. Obviously he stopped some runs. A given that he should have stopped more, but that goes for everyone. Clearly he was the absolute man in the 2nd test, but that was almost a fortnight ago. Nearly long enough for echo from his appeals to have faded. Nearly.

So how would you react if you were monty had had basically just punched a clock for three and a half days? Maybe there's nothing of substance there at all, but I think I'd have felt cheated or dejected for never being needed.

As for the ginges, give Bell back to Warwickshire please. Just to get them back into CC Div 1 again, and he's all Moores again.

New kecks for New Zealand

Oh, they just couldn't resist it could they? Having been simultaneously dazzled and put in the shade by the new England Daz test kit they have to try and spoil the party with their own super special trousers. Nice to see they genuinely did decide to drop the "abrasive patch" (read sandpaper) on one side of them.

Also these new trousers secrete painkillers to keep Oram upright, and a lightweight exoskeleton as previously trialled by Wallace to help Vettori make his ground on time.

So the stats have come in for the 2nd ENG vs NZ test. In summary:




A - Luck
B - Sheer dumb luck
C - O'Brien drops
D - Bad calls against Monty's bowling
E - Dentistry

Swollen balls?

Only 20odd overs into the 2nd innings on Monday morning England manage to get the non-swinging ball swapped for another one, apparently on the ground that it's swollen and wet. This was then conspired to by Steve Bucknor with his little metal ring thing. Pansies. You try playing with a ball 10 minutes after taking guard against my dog Wicket...

I didn't have a cantaloupe melon handy for comparison...