4.5 inches of wood

2011-11-11T15:41:00.001Z

Ponting batters balls

2009-07-09T21:35:00.002+01:00

That's nothing. I've got a batting average of 100. We are talking in binary, right?

Congrats to Um(a|e)r

2009-06-13T19:05:00.002+01:00

Mr Gul, who can't seem to decide how to spell his name, just took 5 for 6 off of 3 overs, the first michelle in international T20s, and also the most economical figures in the format of the game (and probably ever, what with it being the shortest form too).

These figures are undeniably the best, I'm fairly sure no one would put anything else above those 3 overs, but at the same time, what really makes one set of figures better than another?

Classically I think that it's very rare that the more wickets the more valuable the performance when spread over a longer format, but not always, and even less so within the super mega short formats.

As a captain would you rather see wickets or maidens? Initially that's probably a reasonably equality to make, 1 wicket = 1 maiden. In T20, maidens are much rarer than wickets, but in terms of the impact, roughly the same maybe.

Of course, if the details outside of this go awry then either achievement is quickly forgotten... would a captain care about his favourite middle overs dobbler taking 3 wickets if he went at 16 an over? Or, to complete the analogy, bowled 2 maidens and then was slogged for 8 sixes and 3 fours in the other 2 overs?

So moving on from maidens, and dot balls along with them (as nice a stat as it can be in T20, props to Sky for adding them to the players summaries), the blindly obvious alternative is of course economy rate.

As it turns out, Um(a|e)r's economy was similarily amazing, going at 2rpo, BUT if he had also been slapped around, the "best ever" bowling analysis in T20i could well be 5-32, which compared to the newy relegated 4-7 (Mark Gillespire vs Keny, 2007 World T20) wouldn't be considered better. Yet there it would of been, sitting atop the table.

So using magic imaginary numbers, complete the equation -- 5 for 30 == 4 for X

20? 10? If there was an equation, I'm sure it'd be hated as much as D/L. If I crawled over statsguru long enough I could probably have a stab at a magic ratio, but that sounds like hard work for zero return.

The big arse pain about stats is always that they miss the realities of the match, who was the opposition, was it the openers falling, or a drab skittling of a sorry tail end? Those annoyances aside, there's surely a point, especially in the short game when all the commentators seem to talk about are dot balls being golddust, where "best" can't always mean "most wickets".

Cactus time... ICC tournament structures

2009-06-06T19:56:00.005+01:00

England lost to the Netherlands. Can't be arse to comment on that, as it's too interesting. Instead I was thinking about things which are dryer than a moisture lacking entity in an environment generally known for it's lack of water content.

This loss could cause a problem for the ICC, just like it did in the ODI World Cup when Ireland went through against all odds and ended up playing 7 more matches than they should. If England don't go through that will then be 7 matches with lower viewing figures, 7 matches with lower gate takings, 7 "worse" matches.

I can see the appeal of the league formats, from a cynical and genuine perspective, more matches, more money, more team exposure etc. But that leaves the problem of an exciting end. The IPL format seems odd with a big long hard fought league to ditch half the teams and then just 3 matches to sort out the top 4... weird, and unattractive.

Here in the World T20 this stupid "Super 8" thing is such a bad idea for the same reasons. In addition, going from 12 to 8 with just two matches per side clearly shows that those 4 getting the chop are not meant to make it in the first place. They are supposed to be token gestures, every one of them. If you look at how many matches are played by each level of progression we get:

4 teams play twice
4 teams play 9 times
2 teams play 10 times
2 teams play 11 times

Total matches - 86

Seems odd. The whole thing looks ugly and unbalanced. how about this...

Firstly, 16 teams instead of 12, and in that first group there are more games, meaning that the two teams going through from each group have more right to go through, so less shocks in theory.

Secondly any shocks that do happen are (probably) only going to last 3 more matches, not 7. After that round, you'd be really quite confident that normality should of been restored, and if not, then whoever it is clearly deserves to be there after all.

Thirdly there is a good balance between knock out and round robin leagues - it's a triangle. Everyone loves triangles accordingly to Dairylea.

Tallying up matches again:

8 teams play 3 matches
4 teams play 6 matches
2 teams play 9 matches
2 teams play 10 matches

Total matches - 86. You could not make this stuff up! Well you could, as I did the maths in my head and i'm tired... was I right?

I reckon this looks much much nicer. Less matches per team at most stages, but for the better I think. How many matches in any of these groups is going to be pointless for a team that progresses to the next round? Depends on numerous things really, but ultimately there would be less than the super 8 matches for sure.

I reckon this is fair. Does anyone else?

Mirror mirror on the wall...

2009-05-14T22:15:00.004+01:00

...Who's the blandest of them all?

Which county side is the most drab and forgettable? Who's club mascot should be a glass of tap water or a bag of plain flour (non of that crazy self raising mumbo jumbo around here please)? Which opponents are you so utterly indifferent about that when your side plays them you find yourself thinking about interesting things like how many sheets of paper are actually in your printer at the moment, or if the levels of precipitation are indeed higher in the flatter areas of Spain as opposed to those with a more dynamic geography?

It's Derbyshire, isn't it? It is, right? Yeah?

The Chris Read New Hat Appeal - Success!!!

2009-05-05T12:34:00.003+01:00

After literally no response whatsoever, least of all any donations towards it what posted last year, and the total lack of further thought on the subject until watching the FP match on Sky at the weekend, I'm thrilled to announce that the Chris Read Needs A New Hat appeal is a full and unqualified success.

Look at his semi-toothful grin. Doesn't he look both fully rejuvinated and more like Gollum at the same time, in his nice new headwear?

Maybe what we should all be really pleased about after the successful completion of the appeal is just that I've got a new LCD TV and Sky HD since then. Success for me at least.

How rubbish do Sky think your county is?

2009-05-03T10:19:00.006+01:00

In the time honoured tradition of throwing statistics at just about anything related to willow planks, when feeling annoyed how few Warwickshire games are being televised this year I thought I'd create a chart!

Why do Sky clearly hate Derb... Leices...Nort... Durham? No idea, nothing blidnly obvious as far as I know, unlike some. Maybe Murdoch had his money on Notts for the LVCC last year? it's not like we'll win anything this year, and probably not get to be written in the box currently containing "TBC" much either, so maybe we'd get one extra match televised? Meanwhile Notts counties like Lancs will probably pick up a sack load of extras...

I'm trying to see an anti-north thing here, Somerset get a truck full, including their recent humiliation by Durham over 4 days. but Lancs get loads, with Yorkiedoodles close behind, so sadly I don't think I can say that they're *that* racist. Does look like they're trying to get the moneys worth within the big city though, with Middlesex and Surrey coming up well. Are they officially prettier sides?

Does this mean that I actually have to go to Edgbaston in person?? Oh the humanity!

Anyway. Have a chart on a nice Sunday morning.

Warks vs Somerset, FP Trophy

2009-04-21T09:15:00.003+01:00

Sooooo, I managed to make it to the first FP match at Edgbaston on the weekend. Beautiful lovely super mega awesome sunny day, so I took the boy along to watch T'Bears bat reasonably well and fail with the ball. He's not 4 yet, and not really interested in the game in the slightest, but on the way up the M6 he remembered that there were bears, and that one had a bow. Bless him. Plan was to take him and bring him back home when he got bored, and hopefully return alone later. Expecting this to be leaving after 10 overs, the dude managed 47 overs in the end. That's my guy.

Actual player reviewy bits...

Bell did well. His ton came at a rate around 90, but with plenty of signs that he was there to prove form for England rather than win the match. He perished for 108. I have to assume that once he did get the ton he immediately hit out and got caught. I have to assume this as the little man needed the loo, and whilst I managed to drag out the route to the toilets while Bell painfully slowly went from 96 to 100, I didn't dare delay him any longer..! More evidence of him trying to prove form was that when Bears were fielding he dissapeared a little over half way through, with Miller replacing him as a sub for the rest of the match.

Woakes also had a reasonable day. At least as reasonable as any bowler on the side which only took 2 wickets in 45 overs. He and Ant Botha responsible for converting a probably average 240ish score to 271, both of them going at over 150. Nice to see that after a slow middle due to a collapse containing a duck for Maddy and a single for Tiny Tim.

Also good to see was the new boy Keith Barker. On debut from the 2nd XI (with Carter being crook) he hit a nice 28 and then bowled a really tidy 1/47 off of his full 10 overs. Maybe we'll see more of him in the future. Nice one.

So outside of my attempt at being serious, how's this...

We're in the pavilion in the first innings, because the little man wanted to get inside and have a snack. He loves fiddling with things and kept asking to open the sliding doors there, to which I say no so he doesn't annoy people. Now after a bit a nice little old lady comes along the front and goes to open the door, and I suggest Jake might like to help her. He's a shy little dude, so politely declines. Meanwhile the lady has come in, and is aware that he didn't want to help her. With a really nice smile and a soft gentle voice she says:

"They never do want to help do they? Children these days, I don't know. Oh well. It's how you lot bring them up, you know."

Anyone else been the subject of such a massive sweeping insult but be so amazed at the time to even realise it until the moment's gone?

Oh and there's a lovely new hover cover there. Rock on.

Andy Foreigner FTW!!!!!11

2009-04-16T12:43:00.002+01:00

Andy Flower is, as expected, the new England Coach. Seems that Strauss didn't want a Coach role at all, more a team manager, but daren't say so to the press. Either way, good luck to him. Please.

This appointment is important, right? It's a widely held belief that the coach is responsible for form and results to a level where he (or she, or it) is held more accountable for failures in a team than the goons holding the lumps of willow themselves.

So with that established, how is it logical that that person is allowed to not be of the nationality of the team? If it's so critical then that surely means that it is significantly representative of the country in question, so how can Johnny foreigner be allowed that job?

Seems to be even more so the case with Association Football, where out national team had a Swede, then a Brit (for national pride to be restored) and then when national pride was seen to be a sack of poop, he was given the elbow and replaced with an... Italian? Or is he Spanish? Not sure. When England failed to get in that Euro tournament the other year, the manager got the boot, not the players.

Anyway, seems I'm just saying the same thing again and again so I'll stop.. but isn't it just a little weird logically??

Pink bobby gets ready for the new season

2009-04-14T14:35:00.008+01:00

I was trying to work out how I ended up following one of the disputed greats of English cricket in Coventry last week.

Then I realised that he must have come up the M1, off at Junction 14 to the M45 and then along the A45, B4113, A429, A4053 and then 4th exit to Croft Road to get to the new IKEA there.

How anyone could not take advantage of the discounted Ringo barstools I have no idea. They'll look just great in the new Rob Key bar in the Rob Key pavilion, at the north end of the Rob Key ground in his back garden. He had to cut a hole in the side of the ~~shed~~ pavilion to fit the back of the ALBA TV through to get that "flat panel" look, and once he's covered the sticky out bit with a tarpaulin, jobs a good 'un.

Formal dedication next Tuesday, limit of 2 mini sausage rolls per person, BYOB.

I'm not playing

2009-04-10T19:49:00.002+01:00

I'm sportin rings and things, that's what money brings
If you act like you know I'll put you under my wing
If you act otherwise, and try to demise me
Take me for granted, then try to surprise me
I'm not a dreg, I'll break your legs
Because you're yellow, just like the yolk of an egg
He's DJ Diamond D, and I'm the Master Rob
MC's bitin my rhymes like they were corn on the cob
Or should I say cake, from the bites you take
Know what I'm sayin? I'm not playin

Thanks for that, Ultimate Force. Whoever you are. Wise words I think you'll all agree.

But I'm not playing. Not this year. My kit bag with my 70% off helmet, 70% off pads and full price, mid range thigh pad aren't seeing the light of day until at least next year.

When I moved out of the middle of Limpsville [also known as Coventry] to a nice small villagey towny place I thought it'd be a great way to get involved with the community by tracking down the local cricket club and having a go. I went to net sessions at Edgbaston an the likes, spending many many days in considerable pain due to rock bottom fitness levels and the likes. But after a hell of a lot of good intentions and availability I've been asked to play one measley match in 2 years, successfully blocking out the last 3 overs of a dead match and standing at long leg the rest of the time.

I've got bitter, oh yeah you bet. I want to be up there painting the pavilion and shifting piles of loam, but if I'm not even wanted unless *ALL* the 12 year old kids are ill in bed then maybe I'll just take the hint, huh?

With a bit of luck by this time next year I'll be living in a different villagey town type thing as a home owner and I'll try again by golly gosh. Few years down the line my little boy will hopefully be interested in playing in the kids matches, and I'd like to think I'd happily be turning up to put out the pointy flags 20 metres inside the boundary line for them. We'll see.

More WTF happened?

2009-03-27T19:29:00.004Z

Since the 51 all out I'm still lost as to how an entire team sucks bottom. A team which is, undeniably, good. Not excellent. Not remarkable. Possibly not even all that memorable. But still... good.

Now there was, as was demonstrated handsomely by the man Gayle, no nasties in the pitch, yet there are certain scorecards which would initially say otherwise.

Are there not questions to be asked about how, for example, Pietersen allowed himself to be so brash and bold and get out for 3 off of 15? There's always so much comment saying that that's the point of him. That's his genius, and if you try to contain him, you'll ruin him. That's surely just drivel. As a responsible player, one who was in that very squad getting the 51, he should have something in his mind to watch out for a potential collapse.

Dimi did well considered, 36 off of 76. Now that must have been reasonably painful for a dude with an ODI strike rate over 120. But he did it, whatever "it" was. Shouldn't these world class super hero mega god batsman be able to see what might happen if they were to end up with similar stats to those already departed?

More and more I'm inclined to think I'm missing something. That if I had my way my England squads would be drab, miserable and would lose. But then I'd tried to think that about Amjad Khan, and I'm more than convinced I was right all along.

[btw, please note Lemmings are, in honour of the occasion, resplendent in England replica kits]

IPL all over the place

2009-03-23T13:35:00.006Z

Strange times for one of, if not THE, most respected and world renown sporting contests this plant has ever witnessed.

To move the IPL from India after it's legendary 6 week history, which is truly etched into the very bedrock of anyone who would describe themselves to be a member of the human race is truly shocking.

Or at least poor little Lalit mightn't make quite so much money if he has to take reasonable measures to actually address major safety concerns.

Up until about 30 minutes ago, I was assuming the chance of the IPL moving to England this year as opposed to letting the Saffers have it was just laughable. I don't know too much about domestic cricket down there, but the waves of apathy I'd expect to swamp an average IPL match between then Dehli Dongles and the Mumbai Mushrooms at Edgabaston on a cold Thursday mid-afternoon would really be quite sizeable. No one would be hanging from the scafolding, and playing the matches in full daylight also would take a massive amount of atmosphere away to boot. But now due to those pesky logistics, it seems that the South Africans powers that be seem to think even less of their "chances" of playing host than I do of ours.

At the current rate, will the IPL ever settle into a sane steady format? Or is it always going to be this bizarre pile of greed, legal action and bitter bitter resentment? Are other sporting tournaments this shambolic? I know that the Preiemer League, 6 Nations etc... certainly aren't, but is it common for other shabby tournaments to be as badly handled as, well, just about *EVERY* major event in world cricket?

Ixnay on the Straussay

2009-03-23T10:39:00.004Z

Can we - by which I mean Bob "Looks like one of those Germans from Eurotrash who dress up as babies" Willis - please now stop slagging off Strauss in the short form for a while now? He's clearly not the future world saviour leader of men, but he's... OK. Or at least, he always was "OK" and so far as captain, he's been excellent, by way of responsible, with the bat. Who else has stats anything remotely resembling his? The Lord Megachief of Gold, of course. Judge a man by the company he keeps.

105 yesterday doesn't prove that much all on it's lonesone, but even the long view says he's fine, and no one need have replaced him personally. Of the currently feasible players, only KP, Fred, Bell, Shah and Colly have a better average. Yes, yes, I know that could basically say that everyone else in the squad is better than him, but well... Look, he has an average above 30. Prior hasn't, Mustard hasn't, Bopara hasn't, Wright hasn't. Bopara doesn't even have as good a strike rate.

As an aside, Cook also *statistically* fits in to everything said about Strauss there too... Please let me have statsguru. Right or wrong it's all I've got to base an opinion on most of the time.

I don't know quite what has happened to Bob recently, but it's pretty pathetic. Did it start with those pathetic Bobby's Dazzlers links on Cricket AM? That was fscking awful, and I think some scroat of a producer (does Adam Mountfield moonlight for Sky?) decided to bring more personality into his pundit persona. Certainly no one else there capable of having a controversial opinion. Rather him say that that Colville I guess. Makes my skin crawl.

Am I unwittingly advocating a team which is exactly what's been wrong with ODI for the last however many years? I'd have thought starting with good batsman and just encouraging them to be a little more positive would be better than continually telling a bunch of sloggers to stop getting out. Might be duller to watch, but more chance of a respectable defeat at least.

Windies make mockery of cricket. Yet again.

2009-03-21T07:17:00.005Z

England seemed to be heading in the right direction, by the very reason that pushed D/L in our favour once Ramdin was out, so it wasn't too unreasonable to think that they were going to win. As such I won't say that John Dyson's screw up with primary school mathematics changed much. It's such a shame to see the rules being so selfishly applied though.

In a similar way to the groundsman blatant preparing dead pitches during the test series to ensure draws, this is a horrible way to twist things to your advantage. As has already been pointed out in so many places, they are by no means the first to do this, and technically they are entitled to do so, but what happens to the Spirit of the Game in situations like this?

Whilst he seldom seems to know what day it is Bumble was right with his continual chanting of "Play the game! Play the game!" and maybe this will teach the Windies, and indeed, other teams, a thing about sportsmanship. Unfortunately it'll probably just teach them not to let a pensioner read a newfangled spreadsheet.

Is there nothing that can be done about this sort of behaviour? Obviously with something as basic as a shitty pitch nothing realistically can be done to save the match at the time, but when a team is just being a big old spoil sport can the umpires (oh shit, dodgy ground already) not have the final say? I don't think there are many people who wouldn't, if they were put into a darkened room and told to think carefully at the risk of unleashing the badgers, confess they'd rather see a good fair match than their own team win by default.

Letting umpires use their own version of common sense was shown to be a very dubious thing with the referral trials, but surely letting them say "Look, there are a floodlights... just turn them on." can't be a bad thing, with only tired stuffiness getting in the way of simple logic like this happening.

Either way, let's not think about poaching Dyson any more, huh?

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him

2009-03-15T22:06:00.002Z

How chuffed was I to see Amjad Bloody Khan in the T20 XI??

Not.

At.

All.

For when it mattered a toss, he bowled shit, and dropped a painfully easy catch off of Dimi. He picked up 2 wickets when it couldn't matter less, with Sarwan fancying finishing it off in glory and coming up short to no real concenquence, and just about the same rationale for Bravo's catch.

So now after sucking TWICE, can we please please put this sorry little waste of space back where be belongs in the KCCC 2nd XI?

And elsewhere... Why wasn't Rashid playing?? Why bother with Batty as the solo spinner when everyone expects Rashid to be the incumbent spinner in all forms of the game within 3 years.

And finally... Why all the grief to Strauss? He tonked the ball during the tests as if he was playing ODI, why was there so little faith in him? I said out loud to my assembled audience (wife, cat, dog) that he wouldn't be the worst performing batsman, and by buggery he wasn't. He wasn't great, sure, but then no one was, and whilst *he* wasn't setting the world on fire, there was no one else waiting for their chance to sort it out.

Clarkes Casualty Cwiz 5!

2009-02-26T11:32:00.005Z

HAHA! I ESCAPED! I'm back baby! Who's the daddy?! They said I should have quit, but I'm still standing. Who ever so dare stand against me in the ECB elections would have got one serious kicking. But no one did, did they? Isn't that strange? Maybe it's something to do with a friend I introduced them to. I made, erm... met, this charming fellow the other day around the back of the offices, in amongst the rusty filing cabinets and burnt out Merlin machines. Looks a bit like Danny Dyer I think, and he sure takes a punch to the gut like the host of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men, Danny Dyer. You oppose me? You end up like him. Or at least 1/5 of him...

Gotta stop typing now, the blisters on my fingers are killing me. Typing 9,000 emails (with a little help from Mummsy) really takes its toll on the hands... Just remember. Right?

So. 5 delightful players of the game, but one doesn't belong... Who and why?

Amjad? Who the f*** is Amjad?

2009-02-24T08:53:00.012Z

So this dude I've never heard of is Fedexed overnight from New Zealand to Barbados to possibly cover for Freddie, saviour of the human race. Who's he then? According to Google Images, he looks like this...

I'm first to admit that I'm not infallable in my knowledge of crap county players, but I'd honestly never heard of this guy ever ever ever. But now he's called up for a possible test cap. Another Pattinson? Well, not really as he's been carrying drinks and playing 2nd XI's for Kent for ages.

Last year he played 3 - THREE - county matches for kent. He returned figures of 14-28-2, 5-13-0, 14-27-3, 8-27-0, 9-10-3 (oooh!) and 12-53-3. He provided 4 runs with the bat.

What am I not seeing that makes this guy even remotely worth thinking about? Why pick him?

WHY??!??!?!!

What about Tremlett, Plunket, Onions, Mahmood even!

In addition to this guy being nothing, he's also almost as old as me. What is the point in trying yet another guy that's almost over the hill? Sure he's younger than Sidebottom and Harmison, but he's clearly not going to be around in 5 years, let alone 10.

Who would be around in 10 years? Chris Woakes would, for example.

With a purely impartial hat on, my cute little bear cub returned figures of ooh loads better than Khan:

	Woakes	Khan
Matches	13	63
Economy	3.17	3.89
Average	22.73	31.39
Best	6/68	6/52
Michelles	3	6
10 Haul	1	0

With FIFTY less matches to his name, Woakes is surely a better option right here right now. in 5 years, no idea. But right now...

Now I'd not want him to play yet, he's too busy with the Lions kicking royal ass, and developing properly, but it just goes to put Amjad Khan into perspective.

So I guess I need to ask what his this guy done that I'm utterly ignorant to? There *MUST* be something!

And anyway, he won't play. I reckon Bell will oddly get the nod back in in the gap, Bopara coming a close second but not being proven with either bat or ball to be called on as a test all rounder yet.

More wicketkeeper drivel

2009-02-23T12:07:00.002Z

So from the current tour match against the BCA XI...

TR Ambrose c Yearwood b Chase 74 0 109 13 0 67.88
MJ Prior c Brathwaite b Stoute 0 0 3 0 0 0.00

Hmm, and Priors came back in to get runs... I know, I know it's just one match and statistically means just about nothing, but after nutmeg deductions Prior contributed 16 runs in the 3rd test, 54 before. Fool him one time shame on the pitch, fool him twice or more shame on that bald muppet who should be replaced with a REAL keeper like Read or Foster. I'm happy for Tiny Tim to come back to Warks for a while, now Frost is just batting next season, and little dudes like Broad can usually help out with a couple of runs, let the keeper keep!

"Bopara relieved after marathon flight journey"

2009-02-23T09:25:00.002Z

They shouldn't have served the fish. If it's not done right, it goes straight through you and if you're not first in the queue for the loo...

Additionally in the cricinfo article there's a great insight into how and why an entire team can collapse on it's arse without the right person to guide them...

"I got a bit sleepy at the start of the game, but the physio told me to stay awake and sleep later tonight."

Yes Ravi. Sleeping in the outfield is BAD. I would have thought you'd know this for yourself without having to receive these nuggets of wisdom from the massage table.

Stanford. A complete history. Abridged.

2009-02-18T20:06:00.005Z

Please leave a comment... this took me FAR too long to not have a single one...

Vaughan Free, Part 3

2009-02-13T09:12:00.003Z

Our chief scientist, Ronan Keating (no relation), has posted back exciting developments about our much acclaimed release of a test tube Vaughan back in to the wild. Word appears to have reached the rolling plains of Clapham that there may be an opening for someone able to not edge to slip 10 innings in a row. With the ability to only do this *half* the time, and gracefully lose off stump instead to fill the rest of the quota, our little hero seems to think there might be a chance for him.

Defend Vaughan specimen 23.1b, Defend!

What the hell happened??

2009-02-07T21:32:00.003Z

Seriously... what?

Whilst Taylor and co. did indeed bowl their socks off, how does an entire team just not turn up with the bat.

Did their periods all suddenly start at the same time?

Clearly there is the issue of having no coach, something that Strauss approved of. And in a similar vein there was the comments from Strauss about how he wanted to make all the players take more personal responsibility for their own preparation. What happened to that?

I can't put forward much of a theory myself, but it does seem similar to what I heard happening to Totnes Hot Tubs in the association football. They were sucking with one manager, so they got someone else to shout at their overpaid pansies and somehow it worked...

Ultimately though one has to take the longview, it's just one match, just one and a half fscking sessions... life goes on, and there are still 3 tests. Having said that though, I'm looking forward to my Ashes tickets a little less than I was this morning.

One thing that did change during that humiliating time was that whilst when Bell went for 4 he looked totally finally doomed in favour of Shah, by the end of the match, his figures were technically above average, so no longer expect Shah next time!

Referral ballsups already

2009-02-06T11:48:00.003Z

Three england referrals in the 2nd innings of the first test of the new Windies series. One went well, one was stupid, one went bad. Two made Tony Hill look like a prat, one did so for Strauss

So the first one - Smith goes LBW after Hill says not out. Hawkeye replays confirm facts that the ball pitched inline, and hit him inline, very low. I'm not sure why it wasn't given out in the first place. To me I think it looked like due to the way Smith hopped back, that the ball appeared to be going down leg. Back on hawkeye this was blatantly not the case. So after following some clear evidence, there was the need to over rule a *BAD* call by the umpire. Strike one for the referral system.

Middle one - Strauss, don't be a fool.

Third one - So here's the real contention. Sarwan given out with the ball appearing to be clipping top of middle and leg. The Windies referral shows that the ball is completely legit, and is going reasonably high. Without the predicted part of Hawkeye, who knows where it's going. But Harper decided that if he was standing at the non-strikers end, he would probably have had enough doubt to say not out. And that's where the system fell apart. It's not his place to say there was enough doubt. It's his job to over ride *blatant* errors. Whilst the ball may not have hit, it was a reasonable decision from the on-field umpire, correct or not. Harper should have upheld the decision based on how both me and Nasser have read the system. Even if the ball was going over by half an inch, it still should have been upheld on principle. And even more galling was that Hawkeye said it WOULD have hit anyway, so the overrule was probably wrong anyway. What a shambles!

So first off the system worked because of FACTS. LOVELY BEAUTIFUL FACTS. in the second time there was F.U.D! Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt!

Shouldn't the system only deal with undeniable truths? If so, that also means there's surely no need to actually have a third umpire watching it.

Give the on-field umpire some sort of audio feed from Hawkeye...

Bowler runs up and... Bowls.
BEEP! - No front foot no ball.
LAAA! - Ball pitched in line.
BONG! - Ball hit in line.
PING! - Microwave popcorn is ready.

Give the umpire instantly processed audible facts about what has definitlely happened direct form hawkeye. With the right noises within a second or so, the first referral would have never happened, as Hill would have KNOWN what happened for sure. And the third would also never have happened as you'd have not been allowed to refer it as it was a fair decision.

Sorted. Respect due.

Haiiiiiircutttt

2009-02-02T20:05:00.007Z

So who exactly is Pontings new hair muse?

a) Jimmy Neutron
b) Pikmin
c) Pointy McPointPoint from Pointland

Bearded Wonder, RIP

2009-01-30T19:39:00.004Z

Bill Frindall died today after a short battle with Legionnaires disease, leaving TMS and the rest of Cricket the worse for it. I'm pretty late to this whole cricket game, I'll happily admit, but the TMS old boys are certainly one of the things that has really made be a real enthusiast for the whole culture rather than just a fan of the game. I would give, well not "anything", but a certain small quantity of it to know what TMS really was like in the days of fruitcake, or even chocolate cake, and with Bill's death that part of TMS goes even further back into history, with Adam Chuffing Mountfield cheapening the show month by month.

Listening to Aggers on 5Live on the drive home talk about him, he was naturally full of praise, but did seem to slip a little, stating that Bill was named the Bearded Wonder by Johnners due to his ability to recall and derive any cricket statistics on demand whilst keeping score near flawlessly. Technically, at 7 letters to 6, it's more because he had a beard. Never mind, ehh?

Monty and Modi sitting in a tree...

2009-01-29T19:28:00.002Z

So... This whole IPL thing is finally going to happen to the brits. Well, actually to the English and theoretically to the Welsh, and who cares about the others?

Anywho, Pietersen is gonna go for a cool gazillion kerjiggers and Stuart Broad has already run off home crying. Both make sense, but in case no one else has noticed, Monty's keys are still very much in the bowl.

That's just daft.

Everyone has seen how great test players can make seriously shitty T20 players... Dravid, Ponting etc. Yet their names were so big, no one cared in the first year of IPL, and no one put enough gravity on the T20 internationals for them to be sidelined.

Monty.

Really?? Last year I saw Warwickshire host a T20 against North Hants. The Steelbacks wouldn't even pick Monty despite him being available. No wonder really. Who seriously thinks that Monty, who is a distant memory from the England ODI squad, and Only played 11 T20 matches ever (of which one international, in Ozzville), is a going concern for the IPL?

This isn't even a case of lining up against the wall in P.E. and getting picked last... No one is there to make up the numbers... Poor sod.

The St Kitts 1st Warmup aftermath

2009-01-28T21:31:00.002Z

So what have we learnt from the cutesy novelty 3 day warmup match against St Kitts?

Firstly, neither side could count to XI. During the match England grew to a XIII and St Kitts a bloated XIV.

As for the players de jour....

Shah vs Bell. Not Roe v Wade, but a heated contest nonetheless. Bell seems to have lost a chunk of ground here with the bat. Not only to Shah but to Harmy Warmy too... Seeing the way the match went even if Shah had laid off the eye gravel he'd not have batted again, having done all that was asked of him for the no. 3 spot.

Adil Rashid. Presumably his only glimpse of an outing... Not bad stats for an international debut, but then this wasn't an international debut, just a shitty little match against an outlying island. No sign of any real batting form and average with the bat, especially compared to Monty, and as we all know what he's been providing recently, says more to me about St. Kitts than Monty himself. Does Swanny get trotted out for the next one?

Shahly you can't be serious

2009-01-24T22:48:00.004Z

In what outwardly seems a pretty logical and reasonable move, England are playing practise matches with a proper 11 man line-up. Whilst there's obviously less practise across the board, playing a warm up as close to the real thing as possible.

Goodo. That's that sorted then.

Well, two largely unexpected changes - Shah in for Collywobbles and Rashid in for well... whoever really. It would certainly seem that Shah is ultimately there to knock on Bell's door. Poor old Ian (who, after all these years, I am *still* older than - who'd have thought it??) has had no form for ages, but then as it only takes one bad ball per innings (every chuffing time recently) it looks very much that the two of them are just being straight squared off against one another here. Best performance takes #3 methinks.

Looks again like a real similar situation for Adil, but quite who they think he's being paired off against I dunno. I'd say Swanny but then it's Monty who's been so doubtful in India. If only I had a clue what I was talking about.

This is a pretty bittersweet story for me. It gives me the chance to finally post my Shah Wars picture outside of Facebook, but also be shown up by just how out of date the picture already is since I did it a month back. Bugger.

Tradition for traditions sake

2009-01-23T13:00:00.004Z

One thing that's long frustrated me is the concept of tradition. So many people live their lives without necessarily questioning why they are doing what they are, instead just accepting because it's traditional.

Non-religious couples marrying in churches with the flouncy white wedding dress because it's traditional. Personally I got married at a theme park, but I still wore the white dress.

Mourning the death of the "traditional" steam railway, which itself put a huge nail in the coffin of the previously "traditional" canal network of Britain, which itself was controversial enough in many ways.

Tutting at the demise of the "traditional" high street stores like Woolworths, which was a large chain in it's hayday, happily putting many local stores out of business.

One of the best examples of all though has to be that of the Test series. This months Wisden Cricketer has two references to its demise. Not the Test match in itself but the constructs of the Future Tours program and such.

We can't get rid of the Future Tours program, and surely not tours in themselves? It's so traditional!!!

Doesn't take a genius to know that tours exist as, believe it or not, it used to be chuffing hard work getting to Australia or India 80 years ago. Not exactly a simple commute was it? Hampshire Chairman, Rod Bransgrove is one of the latest voices to have advocated the scrapping of tours to be replaced with a direct test league. 2 divisions of 6 teams (numbers 11 and 12 anyone? - Kenya and Ireland based on the ODI rankings), playing 10 tests a year home and away. That'd be a drop of 4 tests a year, which is not insignificant for sure, but the underlying logic was pretty convincing. Other suggestions were a 3 yearly championship based on the current points table, but that seems pretty pointless, just a noddy layer over the top of the current system, too far apart for anyone to really care.

It's odd enough to have a single match last 5 days, but when that's just a fifth of the series over 2 months plus, it is really pretty bizarre compared to the rest of the sporting world. I know that one of those funny squashed football games also does test series, but it's still not on the same scale.

The only thing in my mind that does make the breaks squeal is that sodding little urn. I can handle not not watching us playing in New Zealand in the middle of the night, but the idea of no Ashes does seem odd. Would it make amends to maybe turn that into the prize for the league winners? Probably not, and I'd expect a whole heap of arguments against scrapping tours to sit on it's little handles.

Again though, tours came to exist for practical reasons. Cold hard logistics, and if you stop questioning the reasoningbehind that and just sit there with rose tinted specs on, nothing will stop the slide of falling attendances and the likes.

ZOMFG!!!!1 KP GONE!

2009-01-07T09:33:00.006Z

A mere 5 months and already another one bites the dust. Yesterday I was thinking how funny it would be if that happened, which it clearly wouldn't. This morning all the bloody discussions will start all over again. KP has quit as England captain (both forms of course) and unless the ECB appoint someone pretty chuffing quickly, then all the nominations of Rob Key and other has-beens will start again.

Ashes, it was nice thinking we might know you.

Most people would be inclined to go for Andrew "Cricket saved me from becoming an accountant" Strauss, which on the test side seems a pretty fair bet. Someone nice and dull who's doing OK. That would though raise that bloody awful split captaincy gubbins again though, and prior to Colly getting the nod, the only other dude in the frame was KP anyway. Let's go for oooh Prior.. yeah that's a great idea, let's stop all possible discussions of shitty keeping coming back by forcing a selection of a keeper regardless of form.

Sorted. Respect due.

But you know what hurts most? I had to find out from Sarah From Canterbury's Facebook status. Teach me to play mp3's in the car on the way to work for the first time in a year. (Kings of Leon - Only by the night btw...)

Everyone wants to be the spinner

2008-12-30T09:21:00.004Z

Fresh from Monty being seriously shown up by Swann / Swanny / The Swannster / Swannarooney / Swanndabidozie in India, the Windies squad is announced with yet another sure fire mega hit for the future in the form of Adil Rashid. All I can see in this selection by the old farts in the ICC is just a nod to other vaguely respected old farts elsewhere that, yes, yes, they do still expect big things from the lad, despite him moving on very very little over the summer just gone. When was the last time 3 spinners were in a single squad that was meant to be taken seriously? What a waste of time. Presuming that only 1 spinner will actually play, 1 will carry drinks and one will not even be told in person that he's not getting on the plane in the first place, why bother? Elsewhere in the squad assuming we're also playing 3 dedicated pace men, there's 1 spare wicky, a spare bowler and a spare batsman (please let it be Bell...) but 2 spare spinners is apparently the order of the day?

If there's no room for Vaughan, why get Rashid's hopes up? Pointless.

Vaughan Free, Part 2

2008-12-19T11:29:00.002Z

Welcome back to the Vaughan Free project. After a successful release back in to the wild (the video footage of which seems to have got lost somewhere in Dave the Shoe's Lada, but may well resurface when the Domino's boxes are removed) a glimpse of the first Vaughan released into the desperately bleak wilderness of what might be Exeter has made its way into the public domain.

You can see that he/she (never did get the sexing thing sussed) must have shed his skin* recently due to the bright sheen on it's coat. The little critter seems to have found some sort of large rodent which it has mauled into a bloody mess. Isn't that cute?

* Vaughan skins, and other shed pelts are occasionally available for sale at www.skins.net if you're that way inclined. Weirdo.

DANGER: THAR BE FALSE IDOLS!

2008-12-18T19:13:00.003Z

Dear Cricket fans. It has come to my attention about an unpleasant happening slowly strengthening it's grip on the impressionable working classes. Details are still thin on the ground, but we have agents RS and SB (who may or may not used to have been a batsman, - it is a confidential matter), but a number of pieces of this jigsaw representing this seedy underworld have come to light:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

If you do notice anything untoward please please let me know. Maybe you work in tie rack and notice an increased sales levels of head scarves. Maybe you see people talking about how their favourite international cricket team actually won something. We're in this together.

Sign up!

2008-12-16T21:07:00.006Z

Today I did two things, both of which seemed, at the time, to be a matter of life and death, due to the rest of the day being on an IT training course I wanted to escape. These two things were:

1) Bought Warwickshire CCC membership for 2009
2) Bought T20 finals day tickets

I would suggest that you, yes you, should do something similar soon too. Warwickshire have introduced a chuffing handy membership level this year of an "associate", which is basically for house bound old boys or well... me this year.

Having just acquired a second child I have little chance to go to many matches this year, but as I had already bought Ashes members tickets I had to be a member still in order to use the things! As it turns out though £50 gives be membership with no included entry to Bears domestic fixtures but all the rest of the shiny things such as Beyond The Boundary! This is one seriously classy magazine, as you can clearly see for yourself. It's shiny, and very occasionally the articles in it aren't amazingly thinly veiled adverts for their sponsors.

The sexiest bit of all of this though, is that with the good lady wife and myself going to the Ashes and T20 finals day mean that I've already saved £60 on ticket prices. Woaaahhhh there Leslie! Oh yeah, you heard me... but... That's *already* a £10 return on the membership fees! I could go into business with this tasty little thing I've found. The club finance dudes are going to flip when they find out! Hope this doesn't affect the redevelopment plans that the Tory counsellors are pouring scorn over.

Have you done the same with your near by grotty northern, or snooty southern, clubs? If you actually ARE me, then yes you have. If not, I don't know. Go find out!

40W21W - Call ME bland will you, Alison Mitchell?

2008-12-13T20:19:00.004Z

Yesterday Grayahamemem Swann became the second human person in all of humanity in the universe of intergalactic hyperspace to take 2 wickets in their first test over. He was the 1st person for about 40 minutes, then TMS remembered Richard Johnson (but then that was at home to the Zimbabwegians, so hardly counts) Certainly a very impressive feat, especially from a spinner who has been the over looked second spinner for a number of years, principally through the actions of Duncan Fletcher. It's been many a person who has said that Swann just isn't cut out for the test arena, being too bits-and-pieces-y, and it'll be interesting to see what will happen after the next test and the sub-continent is a memory again. With Pieterson seemingly liking the idea of bowling himself as a 2nd spinner once in a while it's hard to see how he will justify his place. Indeed, he's *officially* in for Broad in the first India test, what happens if he's back for the 2nd one? Personally I'd reckon on Jimmy sitting out instead...

In the mean time... Caption competition anyone?*

* Excluding Ceci... you know what to do...

Swannywoowoo's dayboo

2008-12-10T20:10:00.006Z

Swann gets his dayboo in the wee small hours tomorrow. England will have a whole 1.75 spinners tomorrow, which is the most since Old Man Udal helped Monty out in India 2006*. They'd been doing reasonably well with the usual 1.25 spinners or occasionally with an extra .1 when Vaughan fancied a bash at it, but that extra half will hopefully make a pleasant difference.

* I can use statsguru, me.

Know your teams. FAIL.

2008-12-10T15:17:00.007Z

Looking through the plans for Warwickshire's new developments due to be goin' dahn at Edgbaston soon. All very pretty, wouldn't you say?

Whilst it's possibly something of an omen to call the image file "new_ground_2_small.jpg", we have slightly more pressing issues if the new scoreboard is going to be no bloody better than the old one.

Vaughan Free, Part 1

2008-11-27T20:20:00.009Z

Followers of the plight of the lesser spotted Vaughan, should be warmed by the updates we can provide. With very few recent sightings in the wild of late, concerns had been raised with regards to the majestic if slightly stupid looking creatures health. Over the last few days a few glimpses were reported of the once King of the crease within the sub-continent, along with a Panesaur and a Straussling.

Whilst these give some new hope for it's survival, there is more good news from the Vaughan Free foundation, who are looking to release their first breeding single into the wild. As the species does, of course, reproduce asexually many new challenges are presented to the conservation specialists, who are traditionally just used to sticking one of whatever pointlessly dreary mammal it is with each set of bits into a cage and going behind a one way mirror with some popcorn and a La-Z-Boy each. First pictures have now been published of the first specimen bred in captivity.

Hopes are high that the snivelling little runt will be able to be soon be able to be reintroduced into its natural habitat. Unfortunately, since all specimens so far were reared in public school, no one seems to have a clue where that is, so it'll probably be as far away from the labs in Putney as the Vaughan Free foundation can afford. As such all work efforts have now switched from the laboratory to the topless car washes and Asda checkouts.

Too many Daves

2008-11-26T19:17:00.003Z

5-0 down, with 2 more to lose. And it really does seem like an odd squad in general. An opener who you happily put down to bat at 9 the next match. flip flopping between your no. 3 and 4... There have been many cries in the press for bringing back in guys like Bresnan and Macarena. The more I see the squad the more I see why they are not in the line up.

Their name isn't Dave.

Peter Moores seems to like Daves. Everyone likes Dave. Everyone needs a mate called Dave to help "sort things" and drink them under the table. Since he's filled Norman Stanley Fletcher's shoes there have been many new additions, particuarly to the ODI lineup:

Dave Prior - Knows this guy who can get you some cheap DVD's by the Aldi carrier bag full.
Dave Bopara - Well we all know he can bosh up a sweet little shed in no time.
Dave Wright - Innit.
Dave Shah - Please, it's actually David. But erm, yes, I admit I am aware of other fellows with which to converse about canines.
Dave Swann - Ahh I was down Chimpys wiv Bongo and Nudge the other day, man what a geezer... middle of the joint he pulls out his........
Dave Patel - Geeeeeeezer!

Ever felt a face just didn't fit regardless of performance? Definitely a case of too many Daves and no real idea of what to do with them. A squad that seems to be built out of individuals and their county stats rather than a cohesive team with clear roles. I never liked seeing Bresnan, Mahmood or James Arbuthnot Dalrymple in an England, what with them being general wet blankets. But a whole heap of Dave's surely isn't working out.

And I get to link to this too. Because I say so.

Old gits vs new technology

2008-11-18T19:32:00.000Z

My blogging has been lax these last few months, but there's one thing I've wanted to write about for a while but never had the __________ to do it. But thanks to Ceci and Suave I've another angle on TV rights that's finally making me do it.

Earlier this year there was the hahoo about the BBC not bothering to put a bid to the ECB for the TV rights for the England matches and there was this disappointed sighing, mumbling cursing stream from Aggers, Boycott etc... They feel that it's ultimately damaging to the game because of the reduced number of people with access to Sky Sports etc. All that sort of discussion seems fine in the here and now, but as these are rights for a few years down the line, they really start to fall apart the less they seem to understand about the (probable) future of broadcasting.

As above, thanks to Ceci and Suave, I ended up watching the 3rd ICL final today. It was a bunch of old has-beens and no-hopers and all of Kents overseas players, but any port in a storm. So I ended up on Sky channel 789, Zee music, which I didn't know existed and certainly didn't know broadcast ICL. It's a Sky channel, but fundamentally it's free on that gear, and only isn't on freeview itself because they couldn't get a slot or something.

So here this Terrestrial Vs Satellite argument doesn't exist, and more and more it's not going to exist. With the increase in IPTV (and projects like BT's 21CN shennigans) it's really not long before there really is no such thing as "Terrestrial" TV - and no Satellite either I'll bet. Freeview is a waste of time of course, just a political marketting yeeha - by the time the last transmitter is turned off Freeview will already be obsolete technically. With all broadcasting inevitably edging towards online and on demand viewing, Sky Sports, BBC 1 and Zee Music will all just be entries on a big old list that everyone will view over the net.

What's meant to happen when this playing field is levelled out (shortly after the Stanford Stadium pitch is also properly rolled)? When everything has converged down to a standard access method of infinite capacity and 1/infinity quality how are the BBC meant to keep competing for something like a Test match which is officially a specialist interest and very chuffing long?

Essentially I find it frustrating when various people with MCC ties live in the past due to their lack of knowledge. I know computers are scary things, but well tough titties to you. Take an interest and use it in your views for the future of broadcasting, or die trying.

oh yeah. I am that dull. Want those last two minutes of your life back? me too.

BREAKTHROUGH!!!!

2008-11-17T20:45:00.004Z

I hear many people say it, but it's nice to pick on whoever you think is a prat and also guilty, so clearly that man should always be Botham, the Nestle advertising goon, and as he said it last then that's even more reason...

Botham you tit, stop saying "They've got the breakthrough" every single poxy wicket anyone gets. Today, 8th ball of the match Broad (WHO USED TO BE A BATSMAN) got Sehwag to edge on to his stumps and, oh yes, he got the breakthrough!!! After 7 balls of abject desperation, literally crawling through a literally literal desert for almost 4 literal minutes the unthinkable finally happens. That once in a lifetime last chance salon (he shouldn't have had the haircut) of a wicket. What a breakthrough!!

Numb nuts.

He's also a dangerous fool to be around with a loaded Dangerman too.

I'm a man, yes I am. But only just.

2008-11-16T08:58:00.005Z

Well I just scraped through but (at least as of this moment in time) I'm offically male according to genderanalyzer.com.

Straight point - 98%
Cricket With Balls - 92%
King Cricket - 85%
Spun out - 80%
Republique Cricket - 77%
Miss Field - 55%
Erm... me - 50%

Originally Miss Field came out at 98%, which seemed about right, but I missed the - out of the address (and actually Class 3F's blog, which makes it even odder).

I was feeling pretty ashamed of my rating here until...

"We guess http://leftarmchinaman.blogspot.com/ is written by a woman (55%), however it's quite gender neutral."

Phew, I didn't come last.

Boy Least Likely To

2008-10-29T17:19:00.003Z

Right, cobblers to all this Stanford nonsense....

I knew it was so within the ranks but it wasn't until I read this months Wisden Cricketer (not that other rag that people read, the one that gives away bat stickers and shrink wrapper retired pakistani seamers each month) that Tony Frost had the highest batting average of THE ENTIRE BLOODY COUNTRY last year in t'championship. Now i'm pretty darned ignorant of history, but surely this is pretty much something. Old Man Udal might have his cute little story about ditching his new carrer whupping up and down the M1 with a boot full of Union Flag design cricket boxes to go and captain for a probably nominal share of £256,918.43 (as of 17:24 27/10/08) [oops, wasn't talking about that...] . But the boy Frost had already happily packed away his kit long ago before being brought back into the fold as Tiny Tim went off to make his fortune. And came back again pretty quickly.

Tony did superbly. Slightly drab in places, a little conservative at times, but to have ended up with a season average of 78.squiggle including a career best and putting-the-rest-of-the-players-to-shame total of 242 in the last match of the season against Essex.

Obviously he was officially back to being a keeper, and he's been pretty tidy there, but even when Timmy did come back all that happened was that Frost was pushed up the order to kick ass properly.

Seems he's back next year, and based on his form with bat alone he's now filling in for absolutely nobody.

And all that from a dude with those glasses. and that hair. and that joke about the nuns on the motorbike. and that party trick with the monkeynuts.

But then he's said this...

“We’ve had a preliminary chat about me playing on as a batsman next season but the talks are at an early stage. There are a lot of things to weigh up, most importantly what impact playing on might have on my career as a groundsman.”

Talk about aiming to the skies. When my little boy grows up I hope he wants to be a deputy assistant groundsman's understudy. That or a Saggarmakers bottom knocker.

KP and Harmy sitting in a tree

2008-10-27T17:11:00.003Z

During the nice little knock around in that old mans back garden last night I mentioned to Mrs Spigot how odd it seems that Harmison is now a shoe-in for the T20 squad when his runny tummy clears up, despite him previous running from the white ball and generally being a miserable git for the last 18 months. She reasoned it must have come from KP's dynamic new captaincy. I think the exact words were "Harmison probably said 'I'll play long as I can do you in the changing rooms first'".

Out of the mouths of... somethings.

She mightn't know a beamer from a full toss, but she's certainly latched on to something in her head, all coming from KP saying Miserable Steve is "my man".

Promotion gubbins

2008-09-24T09:48:00.003+01:00

Warwickshire are going back up to Div1 after just one season of standing in the corner staring at the floor! Well done boys, especially the Frosty, who's gone from deputy assistant bucket holder to Steve Rouse to standing in with the gloves for Tiny Tim, and ending up a very very attractive #3 for the rest of the season, with a 242* last week helping to outright secure promotion.

But should they actually be promoted? Is there really a need for a default promotion and relegation between the divisions? With all these points being thrown around, should they not be being used to decide on promotions and relegation, rather than outright positions? Looking at the tables with some teams still yet to finish all their matches we have...

Surrey. Poor buggers. Now they were, going by the official metrics rather than Jrod's opinions, shabby. They are going to probably 30 points adrift of the next worst team. They clearly deserve to go down. If only for that terrifying picture of Ramps painted up like something that belongs in formaldehyde at Christies. No wonder he's looking to jump ship now.

The two WCCC's. Similarily, they have ended with genuine clear air between themselves and the rest. Northants still might close that gap to around 10 points if they win, but Warwickshire are just so nailed on to add at least 10 more of their own, they'll still look great. Worcestershire meaning have bagised 2nd to themselves, but maybe not by quite as much as they'd like.

Just about everyone else in Div1. Here's the main issue as I see it. There's only 5 points between #5 and #8. That looks like a fairly close competition, and as such does any one of those teams actually deserve to go down? I'd expect whoever that is to bounce up again next year (in exchange for Worcs hopefully.)

So shouldn't there be something more intelligent, something more David Barry shaped to define how many teams should go up or down? Indeed if each divisions only had 20 points from top to bottom, why promote anyone at all?

Mike Selvey is right

2008-08-25T10:10:00.002+01:00

*Everyone* apart from Adam Mountfield knows it. Job done.

[If anyone does wonder why it's gone pretty quiet here, it the usual workload excuses. Normal service should be resumed in about a month, maybe.]

Ahhh Stuey Stuey woahh ahh ahhh ahh ahhhh

2008-08-07T05:49:00.002+01:00

Everyone hates Social Services right? Every so often some poor child dies due to alleged ineptitude within the home inspections and what not that they do. Missing some key signs. There's also the stories where there's some poor soul, normally about 13 years old, who single handedly looks after his / her sick / disabled mother, his little sister and still takes themselves off to school most days to get an education. And this sort of thing is allowed to go un-meddled with by Social Services as despite how totally amoral it is that a government organisation lets such a burden rest upon such small shoulders, doing so much that they shouldn't do. And it goes on because it's seen to "work" and costs an awful lot less than those in power actually doing something to improve the families situation.

A young developing bowler with a test batting average of 41.22 seems like a good candidate to be quietly ignored for all the wrong reasons. Until he's meaty enough to get that precious enameled All Rounder badge pinned to his shirt, he has to be protected more and be selected as a bowler and nothing more. Unless he wants to reinvent himself to a middle order batsman again. At present he has an awesome batting average as above, but has a bowling average of 49, so if you do the raw maths he is sadly not being "worth" it in the long run. Similar to many of the stats about Prior being too costly with the gloves, Broad is currently being too costly with the ball - in the narrow view at least. All that blocking up one end stuff has been useful, sure.

So look after him you bunch of incontinent money grabbing, Texan worships goons. If you don't destroy him by demanding runs, he'll win the ashes in 5 years, no probs.

I'd been meaning to write about the boy wonder since before the last test, and was still expecting him to play. Now he, and his batting average, did skip the 3rd test there's certainly some more confidence about his treatment. Such an odd change that did seem though. Broad for Colly - weakening your batting lineup by picking another batsman.

Obligatory Vaughan / KP post

2008-08-05T05:32:00.003+01:00

Still got a blog remember... come on... you might be working at silly o'clock, doesn't mean you can ignore your public.

So Vaughan goes now, well OK I guess. Odd timing in many peoples eyes but it does give a "free" test to do all sorts of things like actually pick the right players in the first place. Over the year so far it's all been doubt on the ginges but when the captain's mantle is removed he was clearly in there too. People commented on Bell being a fair weather batsman which holds up well against stats, Vaughan seemed to have become a poor weather batsman. Rather than being able to get to 3 figures when someone else already had, if someone had just got out, he seemed to find it strangely easy to do the same shortly afterwards. If it was technically possible that he could arrive at the crease about 2 hours after the last wicket fell then I'm sure he would have reverted to his previous form and stuck around. Just needed an impromptu plate spinning extravaganza from Monty or Smith and Kallis to have a pie eating contest for a few hours on the square immediately after Eyeliner edges one and he could have been fine.

Can't see Vaughan coming back apart from someone really looking an arse in the middle of their own accord. Boycott is clearly livid at the idea of Virgil coming back to Yorkshire and using up one of their batting spots. He never used to get runs in county, and if he ever wants to be picked again surely that has to change.

Insofar as KP coming in, you hear a rule of picking the team and then the captain which seems like a logical thing to do, but then the reality kicks in and you think "but.... who???". The selectors were unanimous in voting for KP, well no shit sherlock, have a medal AND a biscuit. what other options *within* the usual suspects are there? KP, Bell (only still usual due to his recent 203*), Eyeliner (Maybe... only maybe), Freddie (Until he forgets to fill in a popping crease hole one over and *never* recovers), and Strauss (and that's giving a spot back in the short form, which shouldn't happen). It's hardly inspiring in terms of leadership. I just hope he keeps batting like a loon through this all.

I can see so many opportunities for the England side to step up to the marketing mens ideas. I bet there are plenty of Take On Me-like pencil sketches of KP and his new fashionable and very very beautiful squad hitting sixes with sexy slogans daubed all over them. I'm sure Cook will get his own brand of Manscara in the mix at some point.

Clarkes Casualty Cwiz 4!

2008-07-19T21:37:00.004+01:00

Following the 2nd South Africa vs England test match in 2008 Giles Clarke went on the rampage again. He managed to escape his jail made of papier mache bricks of old unsold copies of All Out Cricket (what a rag) and with the addition of mere twigs and spit formed the mush into a highly effective flame thrower / crossbow combination, and set out to get revenge.

As shown opposite, it's very possible for severely maimed and mutliated organs to perform a role in society and hold down a real job, rather than scrounge off of our benefit system. I blame the parents.

5 dudes. No silly clues. Who's the odd one out?

And yes it has been a while. New jobs do that to people.

Moore's and Vaughan's realisation

2008-07-18T19:20:00.004+01:00

"Yeah, not quite the same effect, huh Virgil?"
"No Mr Peter. If I may be so bold sir... Bugger."
"Well yes. Indeed."
"Was Chris Lewis still up for it?"
"No, he took that dolly grip job on Gladiators."
"Hmm... Harmison?"
(both collapse on floor laughing)

[graph inspired by indexed]

CS Martin c Kartik b Murtagh 0 9 6 0 0 0.00

2008-07-18T13:41:00.003+01:00

And there I was thinking it was all some clever ploy, being consistently awful for New Zealand for 19 years solid, with the plan being to get a nice little contract with T'Bears and coming out to bat for the first time in about 15 matches of contractdom, and no, he still is a shitty batsman. Who'd have thought it?

EPL, we've been expecting you. Pro40 RIP (about time)

2008-07-16T16:14:00.005+01:00

Hurrah, Pro40 is going to die. About time too. Intended to be a "double Twenty20" the scores on the doors were seldom 20-30% higher with twice as many balls to face. It didn't work it was just a slightly shorter FP match.

In other news, this window is to be used for a 2x10 team T20 league lasting oooh forever in the second half of the year. The EPL WILL exist! I think this does make some sense, first half is FP, 2nd half is T20. Yeah I like that. You'd think with all those matches there might be room to have those funny "bundles" that I think happens with Association Football, allowing blocks of matches to be bought by other leagues. There are SO many kids (and adults) who don't know what Twenty20 is who would love it if they could see some of it on freeview.

Slightly worrying is the statement "Spectators want to watch Twenty20 cricket on Friday nights [...], and the county championship in midweek." So 1) poor old County Championship. What did it ever do wrong? and 2) Since when did the UK have a 5 day week? What about Saturday and Sunday? Guess there is scope to pull some county stuff back to a Sunday or maybe Saturday start but that's not hinted at in the slightest. That'd be a decent thing to do though. Then people would whine about consistent match schedules.

GUARD TAKING FAIL!

2008-07-15T20:45:00.007+01:00

Graeme Swann thought it'd run down to the 3rd man boundary. The ball had other ideas, such as getting jiggy with the leg stump. Someone must have moved the stumps TWO FEET TO THE LEFT. There's no way someone of his calibre would screw up so badly. Unless...

A certain elegant lady female blogger on Cricket With Balls has already accused Swanny of match fixing, so clearly his international career is as good as over...

That bloody follow-on debacle

2008-07-15T10:05:00.005+01:00

With my finest schoolboy cap on, the one with the clever graphical calculator pocket stitched into the back so I could always graph sinh x at the drop of a hat, I've been trying to see why the majority of those paid for their thoughts think the follow on was past obvious whilst those who I'd like to think of as my contemporaries say it was a stupidly crass and dumb move on Vaughans part.

Initially we have the state of play as of late Saturday afternoon. ENG 597/7d, RSA 247/10. Ntini and Steyn had been struggling to make the batsmen play with their balls and only 3 of their recognised batsman made double figures. Had it not been for Prince the Saffers could only have dreamt about 200+ runs.

From this point it surely looks like they are down and out, and England are in the position they are due to skill and form on both sides of the fence. Last 6 Lords tests have been drawn which should have been in Virgil's mind when he did the deed, but the raw figures say that this isn't just luck or an accident on Englands part. They deserve to be where they are and there is going to be one hell of a victory here.

So by Sunday the state of play has changed a lot and ending up only losing 3 wickets by Monday evening looks like something went wrong somewhere, but I can't see that that was the case in reality. By this time in the match the it seems that 247 was a freakish total and the pitch was actually worringly good, and maybe Morkel and co shouldn't have been lambasted as muchas they were. No one was really blaming our bowlers to the extreme like theirs were on the first few days.

This follow on in itself then. Sidders had a wonky night sleep and wasn't too hot, and it's only a 4 man attack. Would letting them sit in the pavillion for 1 1/2 or 2 sessions have changed anything? Well sure they'd have been more rested, and by Monday evening they were in a sorry state and worrying it could hang over to this coming Friday, but that's pure refined hindsight surely?

What was the alternative? England send Mssrs Cook and Strauss out again and by the end of Diagnosis Murder they're at 200/4 and give South Africa a day and a half to get a stupid total at 5rpo. They were already not going to manage it with the follow on, other than a net session and a few extra cups of Earl Grey for the lower order and a Penguin or two for Broad, it just doesn't seem worth it. And what if they DID do it? They do have the batting power to get the job done and then there would be so many beying for blood in the media...

Ultimately it just doesn't seem to matter. The match would never have had a result either way, but there still seems to have been a chance with the follow on, aching backs or not. It's not a clear cut as I thought it was, but still seems like the right decision to me.

Vaughans thoughts for the follow on

A - I don't want to get clean bowled again. People might start talking. Think I've got away with it so far.
B - If I get Monty to bowl for 14 hours he'll never be able to fight for the last Fruit Corner later.
C - Wonder if Baby Strauss could keep better than Tiny Tim
D - Well at least a defunct Sidebottom makes picking Jones easier
E - Hey, we could win this!

What's Graeme Smiths problem?

2008-07-13T19:20:00.007+01:00

Any clues? After a having a nice long long time to get to grips with Vettori, McCullum and Oram, the wife was going along nicely. But now they've only gone and deserted her the bastards, so she needs to received wisdom, quick. We've covered Amla and the use of "beard" as a verb. Just got the rest of the squad to cover now...

Little help, please?

For starters, she knows she hates Smith quite a lot already, but just doesn't know why.

Other than the face.

Of course.

Bell puts clear water between him and the other ginge

2008-07-11T22:20:00.004+01:00

So Bells devious scheme of disappearing off to a county match to rack up 215 worked wonders. Maybe it was in the mind, maybe it was in the Muppet but it worked as England finished the 1st innings of the first Saffers test at Lords on 203 not out.

After two rain intervals and some whinging moron with a stupid face continually having a go at the umpires just because it was raining heavily bell faced Harris and 2nd ball pushed one just past his fingers and down to the boundary, bringing up his first international double ton and then declaring on 597 for 7.

This innings clearly means that he is in no way on shaky ground for a good while yet. Whilst for sadly obvious reasons his 203* interests the media less than KP's 152, and Colly was clearly very hard done by and Amla will pay for being a bearded git, the two ginges are no longer an item. On the ECB selection panels agenda that is. Probably.

So Freddie is still slated for a comeback and thanks to exhibit A AND Broads superb 76 the only name in the frame is Capn Colly. This will allow a 5 man bowling attack, which wasn't something that seemed feasible a few months back, but as naughty and irresponsible as it is, there is no way you can ignore a bowler like Broad with the runs he's got. And it would surely have been ~~Chris~~ Stuart Broad WHO USED TO BE A BATSMAN having to make way due to his less impressive bowling figures compared to the others. Indeed for now his batting would even be able to cover up for Tiny Tim's shortcomings for a little longer, and *IF* Freddie gets among the runs too then England could be in a seriously good position. And *WHEN* he doesn't well we still should have lost very little if anything.

Back to Bell it's really nice seeing one of the "other" batsman really put the enemy to the sword. One of the players that's just there in the background. I always liked him. I didn't join the "Beat Ian Bell around the head with his own bat then stick stumps up his bum" group on Facebook. Not me. That's the wife.

STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN!!!!

2008-07-11T14:19:00.008+01:00

Before Stuart Broad became the gangly bowling kiddywinkle he is today he was originally a reasonable batsman at cricket school. FACT!

Why a fact? sorry, FACT!? Because it must be true because I hear this EVERY BLOODY DAY on TMS and Sky.

For anyone else still not fully up to speed with this continual revelation:

STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN
STUART BROAD USED TO BE A BATSMAN

C4 Ident lyrics found in Cape Town cellar

2008-07-11T08:57:00.003+01:00

Our chief scientist / surgeon / archeologist / omlette chef has recently made a fascinating discovery in a cellar in deepest Cape Town, during an expedition to Farawayland. All together...

Those missing lyrics in full, by J.D Whetherspoon:
MORRRRR
NEEEEE

MORR
KELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Hopefully at least one other person might get this stuck in their head for a day...

Once more unto the breach

2008-07-09T21:56:00.005+01:00

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more for the sixth time for no good reason*,
Or close the wall up with our English dead wicket keepers!
In peace there's nothing so becomes a northern captain with a stick right up his arse
As modest forward defensives and being then bowled for 12. Again;
But when the blast of Boucher blows in KP's ears,
Then imitate the action of the Tenessee Scare Goat:
Stiffen the entire body, and take one on the pads as hawkeye shows it going on to hit top of off.

All this negativity! No No No! I will not assume it's all gone to hell in a hand cart just because 3 of their top 6 have got tons. I'll wait until England are skittled for 81 before assuming it.

* It's not even as it Norris McWhirter is still alive.

Stuffy old gits wreck T20 semi

2008-07-09T14:49:00.004+01:00

So this young dude, Rafeeq, doesn't have a UK passport. As such the first semi on Monday was called off. Don't get it. Why didn't they just play anyway and worry about the consequences later? If Yorkshite are let off then the result stands whatever, if they are guilty and chucked out, then either Durham get a bye or they replay against Notts or Taff Utd. Either way a game would have taken place, probably of a very high quality, and all fans, especially those who made the trip, would have got their monies worth. Instead we got an empty northern hovel to look at (pictured)

Postponing just before start was surely *THE* worst outcome save for a live spanking of the guilty board members. In the dodgy match the nipper bowled 2 overs @ 9 in an innings that average 6.8rpo. Took no catches. Didn't bat. Presumably stood on the point boundary and got cold. He was, by all accounts, a hindrance, not a help in any real way.

This again seems to be an example of old gits not having a clue how to deal with real life scenario's... Sure it's against the rules, but a bit of pragmatism wouldn't hurt once in a while would it? Ack!

ICC vs world government

2008-07-08T19:34:00.003+01:00

Today the G8 group of countries collectively met and formally rejected the legitimacy of the newly re-elected Mugabe regime in Zimbabwe. Since the meeting adjourned there have been further statements from the UK and other countries pushing forward the desire to impose financial sanctions upon him, his government and that absurdly narrow tache thing on his top lip. Maybe he has an obscenely deep and hard to groom philtrum. Maybe he things the ladies like it. I expect Ceci does. Either way it currently seems actively likely that such sanctions may be implemented by the end of next week.

Prior to this, the Incontinent Cretin Club got together to discuss how best to not rock any metaphorical boats in any metaphorical harbours, especially the BCCI's what with how they run the place. Thanks to being archaic it was, unlike the real world, workably impossible for them to impose anything upon ZC, not even going straight to bed without warm milk, or having to play in their pants an vests. Had they previously filed a motion the previous year to the effect of excluding them then they would have been in serious doo doo as they'd have had to dig really really REALLY deep into the old codes to find a rule that stops them doing what everyone else wants them to do.

Big people 519/8d, ICC 13/10

Breaking News! Graham Napier might be kind of special one day!

2008-07-08T19:18:00.005+01:00

SO... last night he was a touch above the norm with bat and ball, and some pretty good work in the deep to boot. It's this consistency after the big stuff that makes him possibly glow in the dark after all. 3 for 10 and 40 @ 200 was great. Very great. But he'll need to actually affect his averages for a while before he surely deserves to be taken seriously.

Mind you Northants where their impressively bland self. What is it with them and Derby that makes me continually forget they exist?

On the way to get Pizza this evening (well, it is the wife's birthday... no expense spared) they were again talking about him and the bloody Stanford match. Should the ECB pick him?? Well why should they? it's an unofficial game that means nothing other than for the money the winners should receive. There's no wider benefit in actually winning the game at all is there? So why should you put aside the long serving (and admittedly already stinking rich) players for a bunch of different ones who might never otherwise be considered so that they can get too much money for too little work instead of someone else? Shouldn't the players in that godforsaken match get their place through long term international commitments an performance *instead* of actual skill??

Breaking News! Graham Napier is human!

2008-07-05T19:05:00.008+01:00

2008 season so far
FP Trophy: 1*, 4, 7, 1, 61
Twenty20 Cup: 31, 37, 9, 17, 1, 152, 17, 18

6 poor scores, 3 average, 3 good and 1 amazing one. Outside of a single 45 minute period Graham Napier has been fine. OK. Normal. Over his 11 year career he averages 16.84 in List A matches. Fair to that's fine for a bowler, which he's meant to be, and with figures of 148 @ 24.93 he's been worth having in the squad most of the time.

He's been a journeyman for a long time now, but since June 24th you'd think he learnt to shit gold bars.

The whole countries media has taken every leaf available from Cricket AM's book and no live show has gone to air without the 5 minute, 3 minute, 1 minute, 30 second and 15 second versions of his innings highlights all queued up and ready to roll and my God they've had their money's worth out of them.

Maybe it's because everyone wants to believe he's our McCullum or something. But when Nassar and Willis and everyone else can't stop talking about him, it just seems they're whipping each other into a frenzy which really doesn't exist outside of their directors feed into their ear.

This cheeky chappy has got the rest of the season to show he's got long term talent as a ball twatter, a good show in the FP final and a confident Pro40 season and maybe this hysteria will be able to become something more solid but for now, he just got lucky. Actually let's make that "Lucky" with air fingers, as I bet there was no drug testing at the match that day...

Bell makes double, no, triple figures!

2008-07-01T20:42:00.003+01:00

Canny young man / rodent faced gimp that IR Bell. He probably had a few disturbed nights worrying about his place in the test squad next week, so asks permission to go away and practise in a county match against Gloucester. What good did that do? 3? Nope. 24? Nope. 68? Nope, but closer. 124? Keep going! 215? Yes that's the one, have a biscuit. Bizarrely only his 5th ton at Edgbaston and a double at that. What excellent timing that was. Seems no chance of him not starting next week now.

He loves it when a plan comes together.

He also loves it when that woman on that video falls over and gets carried off on the luggage carousel on You've Been Framed, but then he is from Coventry, so you've got to let him has his little problems.

Oh and Trotty got 160 not out too. Kick, and indeed, Ass.

Jim Troughton: NOT a serial killer

2008-06-29T17:55:00.006+01:00

Jim Troughton is NOT a serial killer, despite visual evidence to the contrary. And the wire.

He has never been found guilty of even one single murder allegation, let alone all 12 of them.

Indeed no legal charges have ever been bought at any level of the law, and it is a vicious and wholly unfounded and libellous slur to suggest that he was the one that did it in any way whatsoever.

it wouldn't stick anyway he's far too clever, and a law from 1814 says that it didn't count in the first place as it was on the Sabbath and he had a badger under his arm.

And they were probably asking for it... bloody nuns.

So long NZ, so long Tim

2008-06-28T19:50:00.003+01:00

Bar a few deprived third world nations, the New Zealand tour is finally over!!!!

[ This space intentionally left blank for thoughts of ticker tape parades, fanfairs and biscuits (biscuits are good, why not?) ]

Coupled with the England tour to Middle Earth, it's been a long long long 6 months. Over that time we've seen England scrape through in the long stuff, and generally under perform in the short stuff. Most wins actually seemed to be down to one side losing, rather than the others winning. I'll soon forget all about it I'm sure though, only to be left with memories of that tooth and Jesse Ryder being a prat. The one other thing that will be left in my mind is also to be the coming one and going of two more wicket keepers.

Mustard was cast aside because Peter Moores found yet another a new toy, but that new toy's batteries seem to be made by Duraseal, Evenready or Energreaser and ran out as soon as the turbo button was pressed. Sorry to drag on that metaphor, but I guess it's possible that the batteries may be replaced, but even when they when they were new out the box, 21 catches in 24 innings doesn't set the world alight, and today's obscene drop of How seemed to be something of a nail in Tim's ODI coffin after an utterly dismal series with the bat. I reckon we're going to see someone change at least for the ODI's, and it doesn't seem that a keeper should need to be changed between formats.

And what did poor old Chris Read do wrong in the first place? He was sent away to improve with the bat and he jolly well did, and then ust dissapeared again. The Colonel also has a similar epitaph, but he can wait his turn while the best glove man in the country gets brought back into the fold. Please?

My Way

2008-06-25T15:57:00.005+01:00

I hate that song. It's rubbish. Everyone thinks it's a great song by old blue toes or whatever he was called about and old guy about to pop his clogs looking back over his life with pride. Which it is, but it doesn't take a genius to see his life was rubbish. Basically he did things everyone thought were stupid, and then failed at them, and no matter what other people suggested / recommended / begged / pleaded he do instead he ignored them and kept cocking up. Who would want to be that person? You? Well fine, you do that, don't say I didn't warn you. You should hate that song too, everyone should.

[This post is not about the song "My Way", as popularised by Frank Sinatra.]

Radio delays

2008-06-25T11:20:00.004+01:00

Is anyone able to shed any light on why there is such a painfully long delay on TMS / 5liveSX online? It's the best part of an over behind most text commentaries, let alone the real live stuff. Is there a fear that CMJ's tourettes will come back all of a sudden?

"And up comes Mills R******! pitches short and A**** pulled away and a wonderful J*****! catch by Taylor! G*****! Q***! K****! And Wright is P******** and gone for 18"

Probably for the best. And what if it was Aggers? He says much more than just stars and exclamation marks.

Rules about laws about regulations

2008-06-20T15:25:00.002+01:00

Yesterday a group of wise old fellows from the ICC got together and after about 3.142 seconds of discussion agreed to change the rules relating to the length of ODI intervals. Great so that's one rule patched up, and next time it's horribly rain delayed then it won't be as much of an issue (assuming the rule is commited permanently not just the duration of the ODI series) then the umpire will not be powerless to muck around and use duh duh duhhhhh Common Sense.

But that's just one rule. I've not looked at these rules because, whilst I did spend some time this morning printing of some scoresheets, I'm not actually that boring. But *IF* I were to I'd be betting a lot of English pounds that there are countless more rules which are just waiting to screw up another match and create more headlines involving the word "farce". So why not look to just allow umpire (umpirical?) discretion above everything else? If BOTH teams and ALL officials agree to a change, why should anything at all stand in it's way? On Wednesday the ODI should have been subjected to reduced innings, that action be formally relayed to Dubai on the back of unicorns being carried by diamond encrusted condors, (Picture please Ceci & Mel) and then in their own time let the ICC change the rules for definite.

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz 3!

2008-06-20T13:29:00.004+01:00

"So there I was back round at Shilpa's from the radio talky fing having a nice little slap up feast like dey used to in da Beano and then this other geezer starts getting all lairy wiv us, y'know, shoving 'is mug right in me face, he's like "selection policy" this and "underperforming centrally contracted players" that, "IPL" the uver, so I finks about it and then I lay out right out, one punch, real horrorshow. Teach him, the little scroat. Lovely."

Thanks for that Giles.

Four delightful players of the fine game here, I somehow managed a clue to the odd one out in their initials again.

Happy squinting. Just looks exactly like Luke Wilson off of Legally Blonde to me.

Edgbaston Spectator: My Story.

2008-06-19T15:48:00.005+01:00

As I have a real picture which I really took myself I feel duty bound to add to the column inches about the mess that I watched yesterday as the exact fan that was hard done by.

It was miserable in general. I spent a good half hour waiting in a taxi queue to get down to the ground, then at least 15 stuck in traffic getting there and all this time I was still trying to be hopeful that they'd have a go at starting in the morning. When I, in full kid in a candy store mode, bounded up the steps of the priory stand hoping my personal hope would flow forth onto the pitch I still felt lucky, but obviously it wasn't to be.

From that initial dissapointment it's then 3.5 hours of nada, zip, nothing. no, sorry Ross Taylor and A N Other surfaced out of the marina and held a rugby ball and then walked off again.

Covers come off. That's a good thing. Finally 2:21 comes (oh yes, that acurate) and with a nice clear pitch infront of us they announce that a TwentyNine29 will start in 39 minutes time. 39 minutes? it's ready. 15 minutes of running about the field maybe, then get on with it. Already they clearly could have got at least 15 minutes more play right there and then, and as reported it kept in that vein.

It kept on like that it seemed until the powers that be realise that they've only played 24 overs so far today. And if they don't get out soon (by 6:06 at 5:45) then the match statistically can't get a result, therefore... and here's the killer... they're still in 50% refund territory. WOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOsh out the come in record time for the NZ innings and as if my magic there's 25 overs. Goodbye refund by 4 minutes. Hello justified but still whining Kiwi's and collywobbles pretending it wasn't timewasting.

One of the things I will now remember for ever was hearing Jeremy Coney talking about rule 43 on my Sky/TMS earpieces (s = I had two and a sports radio with me. Be prepared) was that day one of being an umpire is rule 43 - common sense. How can formally agreed regulations not be overruled if ALL officials AND BOTH TEAMS agree to do so? Cobblers to formal regulations if no one involved agrees with them given the factors affecting them.

So as the very fan Botham and Boycs continually try to stand up for, whatever their playing days may give away about their real opinions, I was annoyed. This was the ONE full day of cricket I could afford to go to this year. just the one, and I was going to be a great day. And whilst the weather is no ones fault apart from the Swiss, so so much more could have been done to mitigate it.

Pietersen on an inventing roll...

2008-06-16T11:21:00.006+01:00

Fresh from inventing the reverse hit switch drive over long off / on with fries, KP was so excited about his new found ingenuity that he rushed home to his shed to see what else he could come up with.

Hopes are high that he can also find a way to combine Phil Mustards keeping, Graeme Onions bowling and Kola Burgers batting to help eliminate the drinks break and lunch intervals altogether.

[And back on topic, good for KP nothing wrong with what he did in the slightest and also nothing sweeping about either shots, but as Vettori remarked (after overhearing me think it) leg side wides shouldn't apply if the hand is switched changed, and status quo would be preserved]

The abridged version: duck

2008-06-15T19:29:00.018+01:00

A recent investigation by the ~~UK government~~ ECB and ~~the Metropolitan Police~~ those old farts with the red and yellow ties into kn~~ife crime~~ batting helmets within the young male [cricketing] community has shown that your are statistically more likely to be involved in serious incidents if you elect to ~~carry a knife~~ wear a helmet in the first instance. Indeed, as widely reported in ~~the media~~ sub-par cricket blogs prior to its publication, the report goes so far as to highlight the fact that you are more likely to be wounded by your own ~~knife~~ helmet than that of one carried by ~~an assailant~~ Jimmy Anderson.

The full text of the report can be found here.

How to fix this mess. Part 3, subsection 9c

2008-06-13T17:06:00.004+01:00

The issue of Tests Vs Twenty20 (and billy no mates ODI in the corner on facebook mobile) is naturally everywhere, thanks to those two greedy scroats Stanford and Modi. One massive thing that I believe would shore a lot of it up is Martin Crowe's idea of the Triple Treble which he floated in his Cowdrey lecture for moderately different reasons at the time.

Three tests
Three ODIs
Three T20s

This would do a whole heap of things to stabilize the game

Standardising a tour - Before the IPL India were ODI mad, insisting of 7 ODI's in a tour, purely to get the money. Greedy scroats again, this time leaving an ugly and often boring series past the 5th match with potentially nothing to play for.
Shortening a tour - The formal structure would reduce the number of tests played per country per season by 1, from 7 to 6. there's 9 days knocked off a tour without anything being half arsed
Overall victory - Each individual match is a finite entity you can win. That's with a nice big fullstop at the end. With 3 different disciplines in equal measures you can then have a very clear winner of an entire series. Might want to do some points weighting in favour of the tests, but that's just fiddling.
Stop the rot - The most important one really, in that this is it. BAM! you'll always play the same number of games each time. there's no wriggle room to say, well how about 4 T20s, 2 ODIs and 2 Tests? how about 9 T20s? Clearly not possible, meaning that whilst the longer formats do get reduced it's to a very clear position which has no reason to move any further.
Prevent NZ only being given 2 Test series soon. (Here's looking at you kid)
Less humiliating Ashes losses - No more 5-0 whitewashes!

Well that's one tiny tiny bit of the problem sorted. Next I'm going to recommend this whole Iraq thing would be a bit fixed if they called it iRaq instead and got Steve Jobs to promote it.

Kolpak yer bags

2008-06-12T13:59:00.005+01:00

There is finally looking like there will be some clarity of all the kolpak nonsense, not least the revelation that the EU regulations have been flouted horrifically - they should have been called Cotonou players all this time after all.

From my perspective the novelty of "kolpak" in itself is implicitly a bad thing, it's just stupid and is a theoretical legal loophole that was never even tested (unless I'm more ignorant than I thought). So the ECB was just too scared to even get anywhere near anything that might get near a court (although i think Miriam would have been able to nobble it if the need arised) and in fact they could always have just said no from day one, or at least year one, but no, like X through a Y they just let things degenerate.

The thing about this news (btw the news is that the EU commision said it's up to each country to interpret the Cotonou treaty as they jolly well see fit) is that David Smith of Kolpakshire (who else!?) said "I believe Kolpaks have added value to the county game." when he should clearly have said "I believe extra overseas have added value to the county game. And I like Celine Dion" as the base point is the players are simply not england qualified, nothing more nothing less, apart from a lawyer or two.

So if it is seen to be the case that all the Saffers have improved the quality of cricket as well as the Grace Road gate takings, then that's a reason to petition for more overseas players to be permitted in an 11, not to whine about a silly quasi-loophole that never even existed in the first place.

And anyway, this Kolpak guy... he's a handball player. What kind of a daft game is that when their goalie has a good day if he keeps 1/3 of the shots out of the net?!?!

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz 2!

2008-06-12T13:48:00.003+01:00

Word got out to Clarke that he was in danger of being an anti-hero and set about to make sure that was not going to happen by doing a really substandard and tenuous job on his next FOUR victims. The rocket surgeon didn't stand a chance.

Same again, remember for now the surname initials are a clue, but it seems that's an unlikely feature in the long run going by this one!

BTW, If anyone wants to suggest a "prize" for this drivel, please do so...

Pillocks pointing in pictures

2008-06-11T20:25:00.003+01:00

Before I started this very blog that you are reading now with your own eyes (unless you are being read it, or they aren't your own eyes - maybe you found some spare ones) I'd frequently thought about a blog recording photos of people pointing at their mate. That combination of face and finger that say "hey hey, this is my mate the beer monster, he's mental!!!!!" or some such drivel. I no longer need to bother, as the ultimate photo has been found, featuring a complete pillock and a West Indian man in a dress.

"Oh hey, there's a native looking stupid! That'll make a great photo opportunity to make me look even more of the voice of the working man. Not sure if this layabout works though. I wouldn't employ him, that's for sure. Anyway, my photographer's ready now so I suppose I have to touch him. Smile. Don't stop smiling, I'll just hold my breath until it's over."

*click*

Clarke's Casualties Cwiz!

2008-06-11T10:46:00.008+01:00

Following on from the revelation that Giles Clarke is an axe wielding psychopath, It has now come to light that Stephen Brenkley wasn't the first casualty.

Thanks to modern science, his previous victims have been saved by their only recognisable parts being attached under the supervision of a top rocket surgeon.

For your chance to win a date with this fine specimen of manliness, here's what to do.

Firstly work out all the 5 victims original identities and tell me which one is the odd one out and why. Additionally, their surname initials spell out a clue to the connection.

Convoluted but achievable. No bums and no cryptic gibberish what I saw on a BBC Four documentary neither.

This genuinely DID keep me awake in bed last night... please be gentle!

T20 Champions league

2008-06-11T08:52:00.001+01:00

Those cunning young ladies at Little Otford Girl Guides have been able to take the press release regarding the new ICC Twenty20 Champtions league and distill it into it's constituent parts...

A) BCCI
B) Lalit Modi
C) Rupees. lots of them.
D) Misguided ICL vitriol
E) Those other teams, whoever they are, you know, they ones who will lose

Thanks girls, that's great. Also a reminder that next thursday evenings visit to the farm has been postponed until next month, so wear normal shoes next week! no muddy footprints in the main hall!

What's worse? Failing or being unrequired?

2008-06-09T21:59:00.004+01:00

...gland win.... luck... 7-43... batting at 3... gain bad light has... Taylor 154... ntle drizzl....

So a 2-0 win, just about what was expected, but as ever against the odds at many times in the middle. Danny boy picked up 2 gongs, with Strauss as the other ~~man~~ player of the series and Jimmy and Monty a ~~man~~ player of the match each. Well done good people, except anyone at all called James Michael Anderson (Born July 30, 1982, Burnley, Lancashire). You know who you are.

Almost as much discussion (on TMS at least) has fallen around the ginges, and as a fellow ginge I generally feel the guilt and therefore the urge to stick the knife in too. But given that so often it's only a couple of players who define the match in either direction, when you are clearly not one of them, what's worse: to have failed when possibly that could have been you, or to just never get a chance either way. In terms of the latter, Monty in the third test sadly wasn't allowed to say anything. He just got a bad LBW call against him to close Englands innings and then stood at long leg for the rest of the time, save for 11 measley overs for little more than sympathy from Vaughan.

At least Bell and Collingwood both had numerous chances to do something, they were involved, and noted and discussed (albeit for only 4 innings, not 6, which I'm sure annoyed them - bet they'd have preferred to be spending tomorrow putting on a 150 partnership to win the match). They were tested, they failed, the SORN is in the post. Monty just stood there, not needed, not useful. Obviously he stopped some runs. A given that he should have stopped more, but that goes for everyone. Clearly he was the absolute man in the 2nd test, but that was almost a fortnight ago. Nearly long enough for echo from his appeals to have faded. Nearly.

So how would you react if you were monty had had basically just punched a clock for three and a half days? Maybe there's nothing of substance there at all, but I think I'd have felt cheated or dejected for never being needed.

As for the ginges, give Bell back to Warwickshire please. Just to get them back into CC Div 1 again, and he's all Moores again.

Over cow corner

2008-06-09T07:00:00.002+01:00

Wrong Sport?

2008-06-08T10:07:00.002+01:00

That'll be the well known Turkish sport of Coney-Bally then. Avid followers of the game will, of course, have already observed his controverial usage of the Hanning formation combined with a doppler tuck. It's so notable how the shorter form of the game (first to 9 globbets per sequence) is pushing so many boundaries.

Anderson continues to be consistently inconsistent

2008-06-06T16:44:00.006+01:00

Well what a conundrum. Some real lacklustre performances in so many tests, and today he gets a PB with the bat and currently sitting on a very impressive 5-37 with NZ at 71-5...

Why can't he just decide? Either be good and stay good like Sidebottom, or be bad, and wallow in it Like erm... Neil Carter, bless him.

I'm still going to attempt to stick to my guns and recommend Hoggard replacing him against South Africa. I really feel sorry for Hoggy if he's aware of this spell, the poor money grabbing, official sponsor name dropping floppy little puppy dog he is.

Cooo and there's another wicket...

Things heat up ahead of the final test

2008-06-06T09:29:00.002+01:00

Nuff Said

2008-06-04T21:42:00.000+01:00

Walking Wicket at Warwickshire

2008-06-04T11:42:00.004+01:00

Chris Martin stays in Blighty to play for us (the royal "us" of course) for the rest of the season, replacing Monde Zondeki.

The overseas player* has largely performed well within his potential and been unable to capture the form and consequently the results which are well within his grasp being distinctly underwhelming with the ball and wholly without merit with the bat. Despite this the place in the national side seems to not be up for debate at this moment in time.

* Readers are requested to choose which player they wish to be referred to here...

New kecks for New Zealand

2008-06-04T10:59:00.004+01:00

Oh, they just couldn't resist it could they? Having been simultaneously dazzled and put in the shade by the new England Daz test kit they have to try and spoil the party with their own super special trousers. Nice to see they genuinely did decide to drop the "abrasive patch" (read sandpaper) on one side of them.

Also these new trousers secrete painkillers to keep Oram upright, and a lightweight exoskeleton as previously trialled by Wallace to help Vettori make his ground on time.

New research re: James Anderson

2008-06-03T09:45:00.005+01:00

Fresh from (me imagining him) being dropped for the 3rd against NZ, Columbus Area youth club (Ohio) have published their new statistical study into James Anderson's charm, wit and charisma. They noted a distinct lack of anything to remotely empathise with during his interview on Cricket A.M this weekend.

A. James Anderson

B. That strange smell in the fridge, maybe it's that couscous from Easter.

C. Gout

They also noted that he managed to show no sense of humour or likability in the 6 minute section of the show, being woefully shown up my a chatty, thoughtful and highly likable Chris Read. Finally concluding that he's not even got a vaguely interesting nickname listed on Cricinfo, making the label for this article suitably uninteresting. Thought provoking reading I'm sure you'll agree. Not sure how they managed to catch the show from Ohio, but I'm sure they caught it better than Ian O'Brien.

Bears: Proud to keep losing

2008-06-02T10:12:00.005+01:00

Phew, it turns out that Warwickshire are currently meant to be losing one day matches, it's all part of the plan according to the King of Spain. They refuse to go to ProteasMart and get a trolley full of Kolpak players to do their hard work for them. He does seem to be in a bit of a delicate position himself being both an England selector and head of coaching for the Bears, actually having to walk the walk.

I saw a program about neighbours (not "Neighbours" - Harold DID die) last night featuring a house with a back garden full of South Africans drinking round the clock. I guess Warwickshire have managed to keep Broad Street a secret from them or they'd be all over Edgbaston by now getting wickets, taking catches, scoring runs. Phew.

2008-05-28T16:05:00.003+01:00

So the stats have come in for the 2nd ENG vs NZ test. In summary:

A - Luck
B - Sheer dumb luck
C - O'Brien drops
D - Bad calls against Monty's bowling
E - Dentistry

Regional County leagues?

2008-05-27T09:18:00.003+01:00

When I was at school I generally hated sport, and was picked last. Always. Unless Steven Bond (no relation of Shane's) was there too. I didn't like competing, and so now maybe I have found my calling by playing in the County Championship. Yes, who wants to have to compete after all? It's pretty ungentlemanly and also frowned upon by many a former bed wetting child psychologist.

Regional teams. Super, so it's no longer about getting the best at all, just about filling up time and doing theory. Reduce it back the tree days and you don't need to ever even have a result at all, let alone allow the best teams to compete against each other.

Three leagues could make sense, but not regionally. I mightn't have the slightest bit of respect for them, but footballers from over 100 teams regularly travel the length and breadth of the country to play just for 90 stinkin' minutes multiple times a week. Cricketers somehow can't even manage this?

If three leagues were to be used as a tool to reduce the amount of County cricket played for the EPL then that's a seperate story, and potentially also as bad, but if you want blocks of 6 teams, as opposed to the current 9's then surely those teams should be of equal quality nationally? Indeed wouldn't that be a way to get towards something like a 6 major team thing, a la city franchises? Give more money / support to the top league, and those teams should surely start to rise above the others and become counties for any england wannabe to try to get into. And once you have three leagues, why not allow other leagues, minor counties to tag on the bottom, for 6 national leagues in total?

It's pretty underhanded I admit, but hey, that's the ruthless world of Cricket. Cut throat business these days.

Anderson fornever

2008-05-25T10:43:00.005+01:00

I'm really struggling to understand why James Anderson keeps getting selected. He's become semi-incumbent, which seems like an odd place to be. When Harmison was still a regular pick there was, for a long time, no sway from the England camp in his pick, and now he's dropped and probably never coming back, but Anderson has always been in the same position but a few rungs down the ladder, so if there's no one instantly better, it's Jimmy without a second thought.

I don't get it.

I missed his first golden boy period around 2003, but since returning after the demise of Jones et al, the only thing he's been consistent at is being inconsistent. He reliably gets pasted for 10+ on a couple of overs each day of a test and even more so in an ODI.

His figures for the NZ first innings ended up OK on paper, but then he only cleaned up the tail really, I had to have a life yesterday with Jake, but the start of the first innings he was atrocious, compared to Sidebottom being superb... And I'm happily aware of that thing about one end getting the wickets, the other being discplined to apply pressure, but that's been Sidebottom and Broad each time that's been around.

Before the series started I picked Hoggard over Anderson and was dissapointed, if Harmison hadn't crippled Hoggard I reckon we'd have had a different line up this time. I'd have still probably picked Skeletor Tremlett anyway.

But then he did perform some savage dentistry...

My son is a traitor!

2008-05-23T15:49:00.009+01:00

Watching the first morning of the 2nd test reminds me of the fact that my 2yr old little boy seems to be an NZ supporter, largely as they have Hairy Maclary on their shirts as he cleverly observed during the overseas tests...

Personally I see more of a likeness to Jason Gillespie

Darrell Hair preparing for the 2nd test

2008-05-22T16:11:00.004+01:00

Nice to see Darrell Hair getting right back where he left off during and England net session...

My history with Darrell in person actually goes way way back to the very day before *that* day, and before his reputation was cut to shreds by his actions and then buried, dug on, spat on and then burned before being buried again by his request to be bribed to keep quite was largely along the lines of "meh." which was a pretty controversial opinion to hold in 2006 with the war effort, rationing and such.

Swollen balls?

2008-05-21T21:12:00.006+01:00

Only 20odd overs into the 2nd innings on Monday morning England manage to get the non-swinging ball swapped for another one, apparently on the ground that it's swollen and wet. This was then conspired to by Steve Bucknor with his little metal ring thing. Pansies. You try playing with a ball 10 minutes after taking guard against my dog Wicket...

I didn't have a cantaloupe melon handy for comparison...

Exclusive: Edgabaston moorings now available!

2008-05-20T21:32:00.005+01:00

Am I only one to find Edgbaston's pavilion and members stand just a little too... "marina-ry" for a test venue? Roll on regeneration / move to brand new megacomplex.

That's Ramps checking out a new sailing yacht he plans to buy with pure liquid smugness, Freddie relaxing / hiding in his power yacht with his blacked out windows (helps with the hangovers you know) and for unclear reasons, Hulk Hogan in the speedboat.

LBW out of your crease

2008-05-16T09:39:00.004+01:00

OK, anyone able to explain the logic for me here? Yesterday at Lords we had Brendan McCullum coming down the wicket to Broad and co, hitting a pair of sixes and a whole heap more before Monty bowled him for 97. Now he's happily coming down the track and out of his crease, not least because when he's that far down it's near impossible to be given LBW. Why is this? Fundamentally I know it's because it's so much further between his pads and the stumps, but surely this should give the benefit of the doubt to the bowler, not the batsman?!?! The batsman is the one being crazy and outlandish, surely if a ball hits him after pitching in line and all, then he should even *more* at risk of having the umpire say it would have gone on the hit, not less...

Seems like this would really address some more of the bat vs ball inequalities too.

Or conversely maybe stumpings should be changed to only allow you to be stumped if you're still in your crease...

What's a dayboo?

2008-05-15T13:29:00.002+01:00

Aaron Redmond just caught by Cook off of Anderson for 0. His first test innings in his life and also apparently he is on his "dayboo". Is that another word for Honeymoon? I've heard Vettori use it quite a few times too this year. Is anyone with more worldy knowledge than me able to interpret this strange other-side-of-the-world word?

Adrian back from the IPL

2008-05-14T21:52:00.000+01:00

So Adrian Macarena is back from the IPL. I really hope he's glad to have been able to have such a magic experience doing his allrounder magic in front of 55,0...

oh... really....?

So he didn't actually get a game. Not one. Did he even get to carry drinks? I know not, as I think I lost interest in actually watching the IPL commentary online at about game 19. But well, good on you Dimi, hope you get over the Delhi Belly soon enough. Only bowler to not take a Surrey wicket today, maybe you were too worried about getting carried away with the celebrations. All that white clothing and nowhere to hide...

-----

OK, so erm.. yeah seems he did play one - 9 runs, 2 wickets. *ahem* I think that means a am finding IPL even more boring than I thought without Setanta.