Thursday, 26 February 2009

Clarkes Casualty Cwiz 5!

HAHA! I ESCAPED! I'm back baby! Who's the daddy?! They said I should have quit, but I'm still standing. Who ever so dare stand against me in the ECB elections would have got one serious kicking. But no one did, did they? Isn't that strange? Maybe it's something to do with a friend I introduced them to. I made, erm... met, this charming fellow the other day around the back of the offices, in amongst the rusty filing cabinets and burnt out Merlin machines. Looks a bit like Danny Dyer I think, and he sure takes a punch to the gut like the host of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men, Danny Dyer. You oppose me? You end up like him. Or at least 1/5 of him...

Gotta stop typing now, the blisters on my fingers are killing me. Typing 9,000 emails (with a little help from Mummsy) really takes its toll on the hands... Just remember. Right?

So. 5 delightful players of the game, but one doesn't belong... Who and why?

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Amjad? Who the f*** is Amjad?

So this dude I've never heard of is Fedexed overnight from New Zealand to Barbados to possibly cover for Freddie, saviour of the human race. Who's he then? According to Google Images, he looks like this...

I'm first to admit that I'm not infallable in my knowledge of crap county players, but I'd honestly never heard of this guy ever ever ever. But now he's called up for a possible test cap. Another Pattinson? Well, not really as he's been carrying drinks and playing 2nd XI's for Kent for ages.

Last year he played 3 - THREE - county matches for kent. He returned figures of 14-28-2, 5-13-0, 14-27-3, 8-27-0, 9-10-3 (oooh!) and 12-53-3. He provided 4 runs with the bat.

What am I not seeing that makes this guy even remotely worth thinking about? Why pick him?


What about Tremlett, Plunket, Onions, Mahmood even!

In addition to this guy being nothing, he's also almost as old as me. What is the point in trying yet another guy that's almost over the hill? Sure he's younger than Sidebottom and Harmison, but he's clearly not going to be around in 5 years, let alone 10.

Who would be around in 10 years? Chris Woakes would, for example.

With a purely impartial hat on, my cute little bear cub returned figures of ooh loads better than Khan:

10 Haul10

With FIFTY less matches to his name, Woakes is surely a better option right here right now. in 5 years, no idea. But right now...

Now I'd not want him to play yet, he's too busy with the Lions kicking royal ass, and developing properly, but it just goes to put Amjad Khan into perspective.

So I guess I need to ask what his this guy done that I'm utterly ignorant to? There *MUST* be something!

And anyway, he won't play. I reckon Bell will oddly get the nod back in in the gap, Bopara coming a close second but not being proven with either bat or ball to be called on as a test all rounder yet.

Monday, 23 February 2009

More wicketkeeper drivel

So from the current tour match against the BCA XI...

TR Ambrose c Yearwood b Chase 74 0 109 13 0 67.88

MJ Prior c Brathwaite b Stoute 0 0 3 0 0 0.00

Hmm, and Priors came back in to get runs... I know, I know it's just one match and statistically means just about nothing, but after nutmeg deductions Prior contributed 16 runs in the 3rd test, 54 before. Fool him one time shame on the pitch, fool him twice or more shame on that bald muppet who should be replaced with a REAL keeper like Read or Foster. I'm happy for Tiny Tim to come back to Warks for a while, now Frost is just batting next season, and little dudes like Broad can usually help out with a couple of runs, let the keeper keep!

"Bopara relieved after marathon flight journey"

They shouldn't have served the fish. If it's not done right, it goes straight through you and if you're not first in the queue for the loo...

Additionally in the cricinfo article there's a great insight into how and why an entire team can collapse on it's arse without the right person to guide them...

"I got a bit sleepy at the start of the game, but the physio told me to stay awake and sleep later tonight."

Yes Ravi. Sleeping in the outfield is BAD. I would have thought you'd know this for yourself without having to receive these nuggets of wisdom from the massage table.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Stanford. A complete history. Abridged.

Please leave a comment... this took me FAR too long to not have a single one...

Friday, 13 February 2009

Vaughan Free, Part 3

Our chief scientist, Ronan Keating (no relation), has posted back exciting developments about our much acclaimed release of a test tube Vaughan back in to the wild. Word appears to have reached the rolling plains of Clapham that there may be an opening for someone able to not edge to slip 10 innings in a row. With the ability to only do this *half* the time, and gracefully lose off stump instead to fill the rest of the quota, our little hero seems to think there might be a chance for him.

Defend Vaughan specimen 23.1b, Defend!

Saturday, 7 February 2009

What the hell happened??

Seriously... what?

Whilst Taylor and co. did indeed bowl their socks off, how does an entire team just not turn up with the bat.

Did their periods all suddenly start at the same time?

Clearly there is the issue of having no coach, something that Strauss approved of. And in a similar vein there was the comments from Strauss about how he wanted to make all the players take more personal responsibility for their own preparation. What happened to that?

I can't put forward much of a theory myself, but it does seem similar to what I heard happening to Totnes Hot Tubs in the association football. They were sucking with one manager, so they got someone else to shout at their overpaid pansies and somehow it worked...

Ultimately though one has to take the longview, it's just one match, just one and a half fscking sessions... life goes on, and there are still 3 tests. Having said that though, I'm looking forward to my Ashes tickets a little less than I was this morning.

One thing that did change during that humiliating time was that whilst when Bell went for 4 he looked totally finally doomed in favour of Shah, by the end of the match, his figures were technically above average, so no longer expect Shah next time!

Friday, 6 February 2009

Referral ballsups already

Three england referrals in the 2nd innings of the first test of the new Windies series. One went well, one was stupid, one went bad. Two made Tony Hill look like a prat, one did so for Strauss

So the first one - Smith goes LBW after Hill says not out. Hawkeye replays confirm facts that the ball pitched inline, and hit him inline, very low. I'm not sure why it wasn't given out in the first place. To me I think it looked like due to the way Smith hopped back, that the ball appeared to be going down leg. Back on hawkeye this was blatantly not the case. So after following some clear evidence, there was the need to over rule a *BAD* call by the umpire. Strike one for the referral system.

Middle one - Strauss, don't be a fool.

Third one - So here's the real contention. Sarwan given out with the ball appearing to be clipping top of middle and leg. The Windies referral shows that the ball is completely legit, and is going reasonably high. Without the predicted part of Hawkeye, who knows where it's going. But Harper decided that if he was standing at the non-strikers end, he would probably have had enough doubt to say not out. And that's where the system fell apart. It's not his place to say there was enough doubt. It's his job to over ride *blatant* errors. Whilst the ball may not have hit, it was a reasonable decision from the on-field umpire, correct or not. Harper should have upheld the decision based on how both me and Nasser have read the system. Even if the ball was going over by half an inch, it still should have been upheld on principle. And even more galling was that Hawkeye said it WOULD have hit anyway, so the overrule was probably wrong anyway. What a shambles!

So first off the system worked because of FACTS. LOVELY BEAUTIFUL FACTS. in the second time there was F.U.D! Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt!

Shouldn't the system only deal with undeniable truths? If so, that also means there's surely no need to actually have a third umpire watching it.

Give the on-field umpire some sort of audio feed from Hawkeye...

Bowler runs up and... Bowls.
BEEP! - No front foot no ball.
LAAA! - Ball pitched in line.
BONG! - Ball hit in line.
PING! - Microwave popcorn is ready.

Give the umpire instantly processed audible facts about what has definitlely happened direct form hawkeye. With the right noises within a second or so, the first referral would have never happened, as Hill would have KNOWN what happened for sure. And the third would also never have happened as you'd have not been allowed to refer it as it was a fair decision.

Sorted. Respect due.

Monday, 2 February 2009


So who exactly is Pontings new hair muse?

a) Jimmy Neutron
b) Pikmin
c) Pointy McPointPoint from Pointland